Monday, April 30 in the news....
- An Afghan tribesman with an uncanny resemblance to Osama bin Laden has now been arrested twice, both times following reported sightings and massive manhunts for the al Qaeda leader, Pakistani intelligence officials told an American news network. The look-a-like has voiced interest in performing at muslim birthday parties and hopes he can cash in before a bomb randomly drops out of the sky.
- A woman at the center of a sex scandal that has caused a deputy secretary of state to resign and has lawyers calling around town trying to keep their clients' names out of public view is causing a big stir in Washington DC. Federal prosecutors allege she was providing $300-an-hour prostitutes. In related news, Senator Ted Kennedy has denied he was being provided with $300-an-hour chefs.
- Celebrity Labor recruit Nicole Cornes yesterday asked to be spared any "tough questions" as she struggled with a backlash against her decision to stand for Federal Parliament. Her first press conference as the party's candidate for the seat of Boothby in Adelaide drew widespread criticism about her inexperience and lack of policy knowledge. Her second press conference is expected to involve crying.
Sunday, April 29 in the news.....
- A German phone thief led police right to his front door when they called the stolen mobile to say he had won some free beer and he willingly gave his address. He has been offered political asylum in Australia.
- A Saudi tribe has held a camel beauty pageant this week. The Qahtani tribe of western Saudi Arabia has been welcoming entrants to its Mazayen al-Ibl competition, a parade of the "most beautiful camels" in the desolate desert region of Guwei'iyya, 120 km (75 miles) west of Riyadh. Americans were so disgusted by their deviant ways there are fears they might fly planes into Saudi Arabian buildings. Bin Laden has called for 'reflection and peace' as camels are 'beautiful sexual beings'.
- Hugh Grant has been arrested and questioned by police after a photographer accused the actor of attacking him with a tub of baked beans. Not surprisingly, the photographer was one of the 15 British sailors Iran recently held.
- A mathematical formula can now predict how the frothy head on a beer changes over time, a finding that may have a wide range of commercial uses beyond pulling the perfect pint, U.S. researchers said on Wednesday. It is the first time that maths has pulled in a crowd during the announcement at pubs across Australia.
- Chinese tourism authorities are seeking investment to build a novel concept attraction -- the world's first "women's town," where men get punished for disobedience, an official said Thursday. It is the theme park Walt Disney would have built first if he was a communist.
Saturday, April 28 in the news....
- Ségolène Royal, the Socialist candidate in the French presidential election on May 6, accused Nicolas Sarkozy, her conservative opponent, on Wednesday of having 'apologized' to President Bush for France’s decision not to back the United States militarily in Iraq. Royal has been a vocal supporter of France's history of defeat and surrender.
- The sharp divide in Washington over Iraq became clearer this week as the Democrat-controlled Congress approved legislation to set a timetable for troop withdrawal. President Bush threatened to veto, the Democrats threatened another Michael Moore box office hit.
- The French dislike themselves even more than the Americans dislike them, according to an opinion poll published on Friday. The survey of six nations found that the Germans had the highest regard for their neighbors, with 73 percent saying they had a positive view of the French - some elderly Germans adding how they just loved the hospitality after they invaded the country.
- President Vladimir Putin on Friday renewed criticism of U.S. plans to deploy a missile shield in Eastern Europe, saying Russia would take "appropriate measures" to counter the system. Those plans included arming more Russian military higher ups with moonshine vodka to improve unpredictability.
- The New York governor plans to introduce a bill legalising gay marriage. Gay marriage being defined as any ceremony where both the Groom and Best Man are crying during the vows.
- Pope Benedict XVI is planning to visit New York City for a trip to the United Nations headquarters. Organisers are still figuring out how they are going to fit the Pope Mobile in the elevator.
- The U.S. Congress has approved a bill on Iraq linking troop withdrawals to war funding. One Iraqi on a street in Baghdad heard the news and responded: "That's great. So when can we vote out the guys kidnapping bombing and beheading us?"
Friday, April 27 in the news....
- Controversial US rapper Snoop Dogg is being denied entry to Australia after failing a character test. The cancellation of the rapper, record producer and actor's visa means he will not be able to appear at the MTV Australian Video Music Awards this weekend, as planned. A spokesman for Snoop Dogg was too busy robbing a liquor store to respond.
Thursday, April 26 in the news....
- The World Health Organization is considering building a stockpile of up to 60 million vaccine doses for bird flu in order to protect the world's poorest. In the event of an outbreak they will be passed on to them where they can either sell them to get something to eat or not get bird flu.
- Some cold medicines may become prescription-only in Britain to prevent criminal gangs using them to make crystal meth. Cold and flu prescriptions for men in their 30's and 40's who enjoy attending raves and clubs are expected to climb.
- The Taliban's use of a child to behead a man accused of being a US spy has been condemned as a war crime and a grotesque example of the abuse of children in armed conflict. US spies have been warned to avoid Taliban-controlled kindegartens.
Tuesday, April 24 in the news.....
- A pregnant cow caused 25,000 euros ($40,800) of damage on a three-hour rampage through the German city of Hanover. Rosie O'Donnell refused to confirm that she was pregnant or holidaying.
- In a series of interviews, a significant number of black officials say they are undecided about whether to back Mrs. Clinton or one of her main rivals for the Democratic nomination, Senator Barack Obama of Illinois, the only black politician in the race for the 2008 US Presidency. It is said to be a case of "Bros before hoes" for male black officials and for female black officials a case of "That Barack is fine, no, he's pretty, forget fine he's pretty, talkin' bout some good stuff girrlll....someone call 911 girl I'm on fire! Hey no 911 is a joke someone gotta call 411 to get to 911, you see what I'm sayin', you see what I'm sayin."
Monday, April 23 in the news.....
- Russia's largest independent radio news network has been forced by the managers to portray the USA as an enemy. It comes on the back of a new CEO being appointed for the organisation: Michael Moore.
- Taliban guerrillas on Friday gave France one week to withdraw its troops from Afghanistan and demanded the release of fighters held by the government to save two kidnapped French aid workers. The French are relieved the demands are easy to meet, as they were worried the Taliban would demand that they keep fighting.
- Thousands of shoppers packed more than two dozen gun shows across the United States on Saturday, as the domestic arms trade kept up a brisk pace after the worst shooting rampage in modern American history. Koreans attending the shows made sure to smile and talk pleasantly.
- A NASA worker took a handgun inside an office building Friday at the Johnson Space Center and fatally shot a hostage before killing himself, police said. A second hostage escaped with minor injuries. NASA tried to emphasise the positives by saying the Johnson Space Center has never lost a man in space.
Friday, April 20 in the news.....
- US Senator John McCain brought his "Straight Talk" tour to South Carolina Wednesday morning. At the campaign rally, McCain was asked if an attack on Iran is in the works. McCain began his answer by changing the words to a popular Beach Boys song. "Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran," he sang to the tune of Barbara Ann. He then proceeded onto more straight talk saying "You know, I'm a real dickhead with poor jokes and even worse conservatism credentials for the Republican faithful. I have no chance of becoming President, ever."
- The popular online hangout MySpace is entering the news business. This means headlines for breaking news will sound more like this: "OMG global warming a grave threat to humanity LOL WTF?"
- Iraq could hold almost twice as much oil in its reserves as had been thought, according to the most comprehensive independent study of its resources since the US-led invasion in 2003. This would put it second only to Saudi Arabia in world's largest sources of oil by nation. If the US withdraws China and India have put up their hand to occupy the country next.
Thursday, April 19 in the news.....
- Two men from the Detroit area have been charged with spying for Saddam Hussein's intelligence service, according to federal court documents. Najib Shemami and Ghazi Al-Awadi were indicted for giving the former Iraqi government information about its enemies in the US, and were freed on $10,000 bonds each after appearing in US District Court in Detroit on Tuesday. When asked what they planned to do while on bail, the men said they might discuss the charges with Saddam.
- Iran's army will "cut off the hand" of any attacker and is ready to fulfill its defensive duties, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said on Wednesday during an annual military parade. In response the US said it can 'design really cool bionic hands'. Iran has yet to reply to this response but it is expected they will steal the controls to the bionic hand.
- The head of an al-Qaeda-linked group in Iraq said the country had become a "university of terrorism", producing highly qualified warriors, since the 2003 U.S.-led invasion. Many subjects were tough though and meant graduates never received their diploma.
More Tuesday, April 15 in the news.....
- A Virginia Tech senior from South Korea was behind the massacre of at least 30 people locked inside a campus building in the deadliest shooting rampage in modern U.S. history, the university said Tuesday. There is some heated debate about how a South Korean found time away from the internet to commit such a massacre.
Tuesday, April 17 in the news.....
- At least 25 people are dead in what may be the biggest mass killing on a college campus in American history — and the death toll may rise. Police at Virginia Tech said that the shootings happened at a dormitory and a classroom on opposite sides of the university campus Monday morning in Blacksburg, Virginia. President Bush said he was 'shocked' at the news. Vice President Dick Cheney said he was 'alarmed' at the news, especially since early reports suggest the shooter has much better aim than him. Meanwhile, John Kerry is looking to pose for photos with a rifle at the campus to show he means business on supporting the Second Amendment and also announce his candidacy for the 2008 Presidential election.
- In the wake of the shooting it has been revealed that there have been two separate bomb threats in the past two weeks at Virginia Tech that targeted engineering buildings. Authorities are investigating a bunch of giggly school kids that have now fled across the Canandian border Monday afternoon.
- Aside from the bomb threats over the past two weeks authorities have also said the university campus received a few global warming threats as well.
- The university reported shootings at opposite sides of the 2,600-acre campus, beginning at about 7:15 a.m. at West Ambler Johnston, a co-ed residence hall that houses 895 people, and continuing about two hours later at Norris Hall, an engineering building. Don Imus stirred further controversy after he said on a radio show that 'The early nappy-headed bird gets the worm.'
- Up until Monday, the deadliest campus shooting in U.S. history took place in 1966 at the University of Texas, where Charles Whitman climbed to the 28th-floor observation deck of a clock tower and opened fire. He killed 16 people before he was gunned down by police. A spokesman for the deceased Mr. Whitman noted today that 'records are meant to be broken'.
- Witnesses said he was heavily armed and entered the college looking for his girlfriend. Local media are touting it as the messiest break-up ever.
Sunday, April 15 in the news....
- The German Defence Ministry is investigating an amateur video clip of a German army instructor ordering a recruit training with a machine gun to imagine he is firing at "African Americans" who are insulting his mother. When asked to elaborate, the Defence Minstry said the African Americans weren't really insulting the mother, they were just talking to her.
- A race hate film labelling Jews "pigs" and calling for the murder of non-believers is being sold in Australia. The PG-rated film, contained in exiled Muslim cleric Sheik Feiz Mohammed's DVD box set also calls for children to martyr themselves in Islam's war on the West. The box set also contains a bloopers DVD of beheadings gone wrong.
Wednesday, April 11 in the news.....
- China on Tuesday reacted harshly to a US decision to take it to the World Trade Organisation over piracy and copyright protection, saying it would 'seriously damage' bilateral co-operation and harm business ties. The statement from China’s commerce ministry was sent out by email on a computer burning DVD rips of Spider-Man 3.
- Russia is working on a space transport system that could eventually lead to the industrialisation of the moon. Which means Russia is aiming to turn the moon into a shitty country where hitmen are rampant.
Tuesday, April 10 in the news....
- Australia is sending 300 special forces commandos back to Afghanistan to hunt down the leaders of the resurgent Taliban as part of a doubling of Australia's troop numbers there, Prime Minister John Howard said on Tuesday. Which means the last thing many Taliban will see in the near future is King Gee shorts.
Monday, April 9 in the news.....
- Britain's Ministry of Defense faced fierce criticism on Monday for letting 15 sailors and marines held captive in Iran sell their stories to the media. '15 Short Stories of Surrender' will be available in both hard cover and paperback.
Saturday, April 7 in the news....
- Prince William was "deeply saddened" to learn that one of the female British soldiers killed in Iraq this week was his close friend and colleague, his office said. He will hold the memories close by though, which include numerous pictures of him groping her tits.
- Iraqi and U.S. forces clashed with Shi'ite militia loyal to the radical cleric Moqtada al-Sadr on Friday in a dawn operation aimed at returning the volatile city of Diwaniya to government control. Pamphlets dropped by U.S. helicopters warned police, who are suspected of being infiltrated by the militia, to stay off the streets. Any found carrying weapons would be shot. The pamphlet drop was criticised for not containing warnings about the threat of global warming too by Al Gore.
Thursday, April 5 in the news.....
- The 15 British military personnel freed by Iran after a two-week diplomatic stand-off arrived back in England on Thursday. One of the seaman talked to awaiting media: "Since we've arrived back from Iran our treatment has been very friendly. We have not been harmed at all. You have looked after us really well. I deeply thank you for allowing us to enter the airport."
- Syria has told US Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi it is ready for peace talks. Pelosi, in return, said she was ready for 'all the hot goss and a shopping stint in Dubai'.
- A British dentist has been found guilty of urinating in his surgery sink and using dental tools meant for patients to clean his fingernails and ears. Authorities have noted that while it may sound like poor practice it actually marks a great advancement in the pursuit of better British dental standards.
- New York City has given away 5 million condoms in its first month. The official NYC condom has been launched to reduce the city's rates of sexually transmitted diseases and unplanned pregnancies. Going by the mantra that any publicity is good publicity, Mayor Bloomberg did not forget to note that before Africa New York was 'arguably the birthplace of AIDS and formally known as AIDS Central'. He then thanked the city's homosexuals and crack whores for spurring this intitiative with their 'relentless pursuit of sexual disease excellence'.
- The African country Uganda scrapped an adultery law Thursday that campaigners said discriminated against women. The law involved the right of a man to eat food without telling his wife.
Tuesday, April 3 in the news.....
- Germany's Baltic Sea resort of Heiligendamm, which will host the G8 summit in June, has revoked the honorary citizenship it awarded to Adolf Hitler in 1932. When asked why it took so long, the sea resort said "Well, we held out for a Nazi victory as long as possible, looks like they really did lose."
- France's TGV fast train set a new world speed record on rails Tuesday, hitting 574.8 kilometres per hour (357.2 miles per hour) on a specially prepared stretch of track east of Paris. It was then set on fire by rioting youths.
- The reigning Mr. Universe faces assault and resisting arrest charges following a run-in with police who mistakenly believed the diabetic bodybuilder was intoxicated. Doug Burns, 43, was sprayed with Mace and wrestled to the ground by officers who were summoned to a movie theater Sunday night by a security guard, authorities said. Burns squatted two officers then bench pressed a third, it was only when he went for the lying triceps extensions on a fourth and fifth officer that he failed the reps and was subdued.
Monday, April 2 in the news....
- A man has set himself alight in protest as US and South Korean officials raced today to agree on a major free trade deal hours ahead of a new deadline. Not to be outdone, another man paraded around naked to show off his burns from the last trade protests.
- Supporters of David Hicks should remember he is an admitted terrorist supporter who fought against his countrymen, Treasurer Peter Costello said yesterday. Mr Costello's comments came as Hicks' lawyers said their client will attempt to live a normal existence on his return to Australia and release from jail. The supporters are looking forward to being regaled of the tales about terrorist camps and real-style America and Jew hating.
- A tsunami has smashed into the western province of the Solomon Islands early today after an earthquake and was between three and five metres high, wiping out entire communities, witnesses have reported. One singer of an Aussie band slammed his fist down blurting out in frustration "Our schedule is booked tight we don't have time to raise money again for these poor-arse Asian tsunami motherfuckers!"
- The EU has laid into the US and Australia, the only two major industrialised countries to reject the Kyoto Protocol, as UN scientists prepared a report likely to issue grim warnings about climate change. The US and Australia smiled and responded to the EU's criticism by labelling the intelligence as very shaky for a global warming of mass destruction and that curbs on industry should not go ahead.
- Los Angeles is going through its longest dry spell in at least 130 years, the National Weather Service said Sunday. Raincoats have been notably absent from evidence rooms in the aftermath of recent gang battles.