Saturday, June 30, 2007

Saturday, June 30 in the news....

  • Police in London's bustling nightclub and theater district on Friday defused a bomb that could have killed hundreds after an ambulance crew spotted smoke coming from a Mercedes filled with a lethal mix of gasoline, propane and nails, authorities said. A second car found on a London street on Friday contained bomb materials too. And police sealed roads near Fleet Street in central London, the third area to be cordoned off after a potential threat was discovered there. Tony Blair has reportedly been asked by the new British Prime Minister to be the peace envoy to London as well as the Middle East. In related news, Baghdad has offered sister city status to London.

  • A Mickey Mouse lookalike called 'Farfour' who preached Islamic domination on a Hamas-affiliated children's television program was beaten to death by an Israeli in the show's final episode Friday. The Hamas scriptwriters were lauded for not pulling a Sopranos finale and actually showing what happened to the lovable mouse. Alternative endings will appear in the DVD version of the show - one where Farfour converted to Christianity and was beheaded by a Daffy Duck lookalike. And another where Farfour was mistaken for an American agent on his magical journey to Waziristan, consequently having his eyes gouged out genitals mutilated and then hung upside down at the entrance to the province with a warning sign stabbed into his chest with a sword.

  • Plans for next year's papal visit to Sydney were thrown into disarray yesterday, with the Australian Jockey Club refusing to sign off on its promise to host the Pope at Randwick racecourse. Punters have given it 8 to 1 odds while jockey's have noted how the Pope is overweight and his horse hasn't even been named so what's the point.

  • Apple launched its new iPhone in US retail stores Friday to brisk demand as some New Yorkers lined up to get their hands on the latest offering from the computer and gadget maker which packs a cell phone, music player and web browser. One customer was impressed at how fast the technology had advanced as the iPhone seemed 'way past what The Matrix offered humans'.

Friday, June 29, 2007

Friday, June 29 in the news....

  • Israel opened part of a major commercial crossing with Gaza on Thursday for the first time since the Islamist group Hamas seized control of the coastal strip two weeks ago, U.N. and Israeli officials said. Wheat was transferred weighing about 5,000 tonnes, and it will be processed in mills in Gaza. Some bags of wheat failed inspections at Hamas checkpoints and were consequently tied to the back of cars and dragged through the streets while Hamas militants shot at them.

  • Israeli troops imposed a curfew on downtown Nablus and clashed with Fatah militants as the army's activities moved Thursday from Gaza to the West Bank. The Nablus raid was an indication that Israel will not stop fighting militants linked to President Mahmoud Abbas' Fatah movement - even though Israel is supporting Abbas in his struggle against Hamas. After a dangerous day of skirmishes, both Israeli soldiers and Fatah members scanned out their clock cards, shook hands, and went home for the night.

  • With U.S.-Russia relations at their lowest point in years, stirring memories of the Cold War, Bush hopes to ease tensions when the two leaders hold informal talks on Sunday and Monday at the Bush family estate in Kennebunkport, Maine. Bush has already organised an ice cream truck to continually drive around the grounds when they go on walks and has just installed a giant foot-operated electronic keyboard on the patio.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Thursday, June 28 in the news.....

  • A power outage affected parts of Manhattan's Upper East Side on Wednesday, partially shutting down subway service, officials and witnesses said. Michael Moore denied it had anything to do with his newly installed custom made tanning booth.

  • Researchers said they have partially reversed in mice a common cause of mental retardation. It appears the mice were able to identify different kinds of cheeses again, which had some scientists confused as to whether it reversed retardation or turned the mice French.

  • In his latest bid to counter the tide of anti-Americanism in the Muslim world, President Bush is appointing a special envoy who would demonstrate to Muslim communities "our interest in respectful dialogue and continued friendship." The Muslim world said it had sent a similar special envoy, but had taken the initiative much earlier than the Americans, in September 2001.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Tuesday, June 26 in the news....

  • Global warming is such a threat to security that military planners must build it into their calculations, the head of the armed forces of Britain said on Monday. In related news, Prince Harry finally got his deployment, guarding a beach in the Caribbean with his drinking buddies from the barracks.

Monday, June 25, 2007

More Monday, June 25 in the news....

  • How to verify that North Korea is shutting down its main nuclear reactor will dominate the agenda for a rare U.N. visit this week to the communist nation, a senior nuclear monitor said Monday. "It's difficult," the UN Envoy said about the task, "Because we have to make our way through hordes of starving people begging for salvation".

  • Hamas's armed wing will release on Monday an audio tape of an Israeli soldier seized by Gaza militants a year ago, a senior official in the Islamist movement said. It will be You Tubed with a picture of Ariel Sharon in a dress under the rumoured username ZionistDogsofWar with favourited videos from Jimmy Carter to the Hahaha kid.

  • Intrusion on Muslim lands is what drives the hatred of Indonesia-based extremist network Jemaah Islamiah for the West, the group's jailed military boss told CNN in an interview broadcast today. When asked what specific Muslim lands he was talking about the miltary boss said 'Earth'.

News in Brief, Monday, June 25, 2007

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Sunday, June 24 in the news....

  • Iranian naval forces in the Gulf tried to capture an Australian Navy boarding team but were vigorously repelled in December 2004. The Australians to quote one military source, "were having none of it". The BBC has been told the Australians re-boarded the vessel they had just searched, aimed their machine guns at the approaching Iranians and warned them to back off, using what was said to be "highly colourful language". Coincidentally, the vessel the Aussies reboarded had a swear jar, the crew has retired to the Bahamas.

  • The Iranians withdrew after being deterred, and the Australians were reportedly lifted off the ship by one of their own helicopters. Iran for their part said it was the most vile bigoted racist violent homophobic culturally xenophobic threats they've ever received, the Aussies said it was just like being back home at the cricket.

  • Brad Greenspan, the 34-year-old former chief executive of the MySpace social networking site, has emerged with a rival proposal for the future of The Wall Street Journal - pitching him into a bitter conflict with media mogul Rupert Murdoch. Greenspan has gone and backed up his bid with dozens of wealthy MySpace sex offenders.

  • The $25,000 a month in child support and household expenses that rapper 50 Cent pays to the mother of his 10-year-old son is not enough, says the boy's mother, Shaniqua Tompkins. With his G-Unit record label, clothing line, ring tones and other enterprises, 50 Cent reeled in an estimated $33 million in the past year, according to Forbes. 50 Cent was last seen playing golf with OJ Simpson, and it was there he was overheard saying, "I'm just gonna admit the shit, on my next record. Jail means sales."

  • Burundi security forces shot dead a Russian diplomat today after he drove through a checkpoint, an army spokesman said. President Putin paid his respects to the slain diplomat, saying he should have lived as he never tried to dig up dirt on him.

  • Deputy interior minister of Iran, Mohammad Baqer Zolghadr, said on Saturday that there was "zero chance" of a US attack on Iran to thwart its nuclear ambitions, the state IRNA news agency reported. Another top Iranian security official denied the interior minister struggled with maths in high school.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Friday, June 22 in the news....

  • The Polish PM has stunned European leaders today with an astonishing attack on Germany for starting the Second World War. He said his country was losing out in today's European Union as a direct result of the millions of deaths that followed its invasion by Germany in 1939. The issue of population is at the heart of a heated row over voting rights in the EU. Germany, for its part, told the Polish PM to look at the French, as they never complain. Germany then gave a pat on France's head and passed off a chocolate bar to them it stole from the Belgians.

  • The chief U.S. nuclear envoy made a rare trip to North Korea on Thursday in a surprise bid to accelerate international efforts to press the communist government to abandon its nuclear weapons program. The North Korean leadership said it was okay as long as he obeyed the signs to not feed the North Koreans.

  • In Moscow a fire swept through a nursing home Thursday and killed at least 10 people, the latest in a series of deadly fires in Russia. It was uncertain how many of the elderly people had dirt on President Putin they were going to unveil.

  • New Zealand authorities have blocked a couple's bid to officially name their new son '4real,' saying numerals are not allowed. Pat and Sheena Wheaton said they decided to name their new baby '4real' shortly after having an ultrasound and being struck by the reality of his impending arrival. Although the authorities shot the name down, they did approve the child to call his parents 'Idiot1' and 'Idiot2'.

  • Closing ranks against Hamas, Egypt's president invited Israeli, Palestinian and Jordanian leaders to a peace summit, officials said Thursday, the biggest show of support yet by moderate Arab states for beleaguered Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas. Not to be outdone, Hamas hosted its own peace summit, with Hezbollah, Syria and Jimmy Carter in attendance, the summit went well until someone spiked the punch with alcohol and 15 people died.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

More Thursday, June 21 in the news.....

  • US House Speaker Nancy Pelosi yesterday reaffirmed her commitment to end the war in Iraq, but her words were greeted with skepticism and some boos by anti-war liberal activists. Addressing the left wing pressure group Campaign for America's Future, Pelosi used such rhetoric as 'grotesque mistake' and 'tragedy', before turning her attention from her wardrobe selection to Iraq.

Thursday, June 21 in the news....

  • Israel fired missiles and sent tanks on a foray into Gaza on Wednesday, killing four Palestinians in the first military action since Hamas militants took control. Fatah held up banners as the tanks passed them by, including "Go Zionist Enemy!" and "Take Them Down Zionist Filth!"

  • U.S. forces expanded their push against insurgent strongholds outside Baghdad on Wednesday as Iraqi units joined the offensive and took control of several districts in the key city of Baqouba, the military said. Meanwhile the insurgents readied a response, keeping things light in a tense atmosphere, one insurgent told his fellow militants he wanted to be an organ donour as he strapped on a bomb vest.

  • In Colombia, a landmark gay rights bill was derailed at the last minute by a bloc of conservative senators. The bill would have made Colombia the first nation in Latin America to grant gay couples in long-term relationships the same rights to health insurance, inheritance and social security as heterosexual couples. It also contained a section on profit sharing for cocaine trafficking.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Wednesday, June 20 in the news....

  • China will build a highway on Mt Everest, the world's tallest mountain, for next year's Olympic torch relay. Xinhua News Agency said yesterday construction of the road, budgeted at $23.4 million, would turn a 108km rough road from the foot of the mountain to a base camp at 5200m "into a blacktop highway fenced by undulating guard rails". The highway will allow tourists the thrill of reaching almost two thirds the way up Mount Everest, while also being able to wind down the window at hikers and give them the finger while beeping the horn and flashing the high beams at them.

  • Fred Thompson, an actor and former senator who has not formally entered the 2008 White House race, leads Republican presidential contenders for the first time, according to a Rasmussen poll released on Tuesday. Rudy Giuliani heard about it and told his aides, "The people taking this poll knew I was Mayor of New York on September 11 right? And that Adam Sandler film I did, where I was wearing that sweet NYFD baseball cap? A lot of those firemen died, I wore a cap. They need to know about those things, otherwise the polls are not true reflections of voting intentions. I mean, I was Mayor, of NYC, 9/11."

President Bush Edition
Wednesday, June 20 in the news....

  • U.S. President George W. Bush reiterated on Tuesday that all options were on the table in dealing with Iran's nuclear challenge. When asked by a reporter if that included an arm-wrestling competition, Bush said, "You like to make light of how people think I'm a simple man don't you." He then summoned an aide and whispered in his ear, before addressing the reporter once again, "I've just requested that the Constitution be checked, I know Governor Schwarzenegger wasn't born here and there's something about that in the founding papers, but I would like to think he'd lead us in any arm-wrestling challenge against those Iranians".

  • President Bush and Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert on Tuesday sought to bolster Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas in his battle with Hamas for primacy, calling him a moderate voice and the only true leader of the Palestinian people. Except for that time the Palestinian people voted in Hamas. Bush sought to clarify the issue, "That was democracy, but bad democracy, evil-doer democracy," Olmert nodded his head approvingly, so Bush went on, "The terrorists won that election, well the terrorists aren't allowed to win democratic elections, othwerwise Sheriff Dubya will pull out his badge and mosey into town on his horse and say 'Hey, evil-doers, you are not winning this one, the Sheriffs here, Sheriff Dubya, I'm gonna clean up this town, that's right, so listen up, you need to obey law and order, get some jobs at the local saloon, clean up your acts'", at this point Olmert begun to shake his head, Bush wrapped up, "So in conclusion, don't mess with Texas. You don't wanna mess with Texas."

  • The Republican GOP field vying for the 2008 Presidency are beginning to back away from Bush. Declining poll numbers are making it safe for GOP candidates to oppose the President on some issues, including whether a president should have an afternoon nap after being advised on Russian infiltration of intelligence services while eating a choc top ice cream.

  • President Bush unwrapped Father's Day gifts Sunday at his Texas ranch where the skies let go a deluge of rain that turned roadside gullies into muddy ponds and closed the main road into this tiny Texas community. Bush was pleased to get the gift unwrapping out of the way so he could go outside and jump in the puddles.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Tuesday, June 19 in the news.....

  • The Vatican has urged nations to pass laws to curb the "modern slavery" of prostitution to protect women from violence and punish clients. "The customers too are people with deeply rooted problems, and in a certain sense are also slaves," it said. American Presidential hopeful Barack Obama noted what the Vatican said, telling supporters "See, even a modern slave can become the leader of this country. The first black president really was Bill Clinton."

  • Trained suicide bombers are emerging from tribal areas of Afghanistan and Pakistan to plan attacks on the West, according to a video of a Taliban "graduation ceremony" aired by a US news channel. The footage, taken by a Pakistani journalist and received by ABC news, showed a large group of men, their faces hidden by black scarves, who were members of teams assigned to carry out attacks in the US, Canada, Great Britain and Germany. The failed graduates have the choice of either repeating the course or going on jihadist welfare payments.

  • Salman Rushdie has been awarded a knighthood by Britain's Queen Elizabeth on Saturday for services to literature. Eighteen years after the Ayatollah Khomeini issued a fatwa calling on Muslims to kill him, a government minister in Pakistan said yesterday that Rushdie's recent knighthood justified suicide bombing. When asked why, the Pakistani minister said, "Well it's not what you think, it's because he's no Shakespeare".

Monday, June 18, 2007

Monday, June 18 in the news....

  • Hamas has said it will not recognise the emergency government due to be sworn in by Mahmoud Abbas, the Palestinian president, later today. The Islamist movement refused to be drawn on whether it would recognise the government once all their masks were removed.

  • The Federal Government is injecting an extra $300 million into subsidies to help get broadband into the bush as it lays out a plan to deliver high-speed internet to the rest of Australia. Before it does this though it will spend over $200 million teaching folks in the outback what a computer does.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

More Sunday, June 17 in the news....

  • With Hamas violently seizing power in Gaza, Israel's new defence minister Ehud Barak is planning an attack there within weeks. Ehud Barak said it all came about when he won the coin toss over which warring Islamists to hit next.

  • Authorities have freed a total of 548 slave labourers who were starved, beaten and forced to work 14 hours or more a day at brick kilns and small mines in central China. This was a violation of Chinese working conditions, where being starved beaten and forced to work more than 14 hours a day is only meant for Monday's and Wednesday's.

Sunday, June 17 in the news.....

  • Hamas cemented its control over Gaza today, seizing weapons from the pro-Fatah security services they routed in the territory, where even the home of iconic leader Yasser Arafat became a looting target. Hamas was disgusted at what they found, disgusted that in the cupboards all there was to eat were cheetos.

  • More than 200 child soldiers swapped guns for schoolbooks in Central African Republic today after being released by rebels. During the fighting, the kids took the game of chasing and lifting up girls skirts to a whole new level.

  • President Bush warned Congress on Saturday that he will use his veto power to stop runaway government spending. When asked why he hadn't been so willing to stop the rampant spending like this before, Bush's spokesman said the President preferred to try and stop the spending by sending more spending its way in a surge expected to quell further spending.

  • In California a toddler who was served a margarita at a restaurant earlier this week is doing well. Police say he was accidentally served the drink in a sippy cup and the mistake wasn't realised until the toddler demanded another before calling his parents arseholes.

  • Yemeni Shiite rebels said on Saturday they had accepted a ceasefire proposed by the government to end months of violent clashes that have killed hundreds. They agreed to it after realising they were not getting the large viewer ratings of other hit jihads around the region.

  • With Hamas forces threatening his life, the general manager of Fatah-controlled Palestine TV, Abu Nada, took a harrowing journey to safety, dodging Hamas checkpoints and crawling the final 300 yards to the Gaza Strip's border with Israel. Once there, instead of throwing rocks and shouting curses at Israeli positions he threw flowers and blew kisses.

  • Enraged Fatah leaders on Saturday accused Hamas militiamen of stealing Arafat's Nobel Peace Prize medal. "The Palestinian people will never forgive the Hamas gangs for looting the home of the Palestinian people's great leader, Yasser Arafat," Fatah spokesman Abdel Rahman said today, and noting the taking of the medal, "When we catch the Hamas members who took Arafat's Peace Prize we will slaughter them."

Friday, June 15, 2007

Friday, June 15 in the news....

  • The Australian Electoral Commission (AEC) today cleared Prime Minister John Howard over his use of Kirribilli House last month for a cocktail party for delegates of the Liberals' federal council and invited businessmen. "There has been a long-standing practice of serving Liberal prime ministers inviting delegates to Liberal Party national conferences to drinks at their residence," said Tony Abbott, the federal health minister. He went on: "And there has been a long-standing tradition in Australia of getting others to shout your drinks if you get the opportunity, and since we have access to the best drink shouter around, the next round is always on the Australian taxpayer."

  • Hamas fighters overran two of the rival Fatah movement's most important security command centers in the Gaza Strip on Thursday, major advances in the Islamic group's attempts to take over Gaza. "We are telling our people that the past era has ended and will not return," Islam Shahawan, a spokesman for Hamas' militia, told Hamas radio. "The era of justice and Islamic rule and chocolate cake has arrived." The Hamas spokesman looked down at his reader notes then turned back to his fellow militants, "Okay, who added chocolate cake?"

  • Irish Prime Minister Bertie Ahern won a third successive term on Thursday, cementing his position as one of Ireland's most successful politicians. When asked how he did it, Ahern said "I speak to the drunk in all Irishmen."

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Thursday, June 14 in the news.....

  • The State Emergency Service has heeded an SOS to supply beer to residents of the flood-isolated NSW Hunter Valley township of Hinton so they can enjoy the footy broadcast. Hinton has been cut off by flood waters since Sunday, after days of wild storms left a trail of destruction across the Hunter region, the Central Coast and parts of Sydney. One resident sat on his porch, broken leg bandaged up, ute destroyed by a fallen tree in the driveway, and reminisced: "When I realised there may be no beer for the big footy match, yeah I cried at the devastation these storms inflicted".

  • Forget luxury cars, an apartment in New York or a big yacht. What the winner of a 37 million dollar Canadian lottery jackpot really hankers for is a chess set. The 55 year old Toronto man confirmed what all had been thinking, Canadians with big dreams had already moved to the USA.

  • Sunni militants blew up the two minarets of a revered Shiite shrine in the Iraqi town of Samarra overnight. In response Shiite gunmen blew up a major Sunni mosque in the Iraqi town of Iskandariya. In response Sunnis blew up the rubble of another bombed Shiite shrine. In response to that, Shiites blew up Sunni suicide bombers before they could blow up.

  • The fallout from Paris Hilton's arrest and incarceration continues to spread across Los Angeles. At a hearing Tuesday, the Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors pressured Sheriff Lee Baca to publicly explain why he had released Hilton from jail last week. Busy doing sums on a calculator the Sheriff looked up and said, "Um, good reasons. Good medical reasons."

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Wednesday, June 13 in the news....

  • Former Pakistan cricket coach Bob Woolmer died of natural causes, and not of murder as initially suspected, Jamaican police said on Tuesday. This report surfaced after they reclassified natural causes to include Pakistan being knocked out of the World Cup in the first stage.

  • A senior U.S. diplomat accused Iran on Tuesday of transferring weapons to Taliban insurgents in Afghanistan. Iran said this was a continuing campaign to demonise them, including blaming them for writing the Sopranos finale, orchestrating Paris Hilton's release from prison, and posting clips on You Tube of the US military in Iraq to the tune of Wilson Phillips #1 hit 'Hold On'.

  • President Bush had his watch stolen off his wrist during an Albanian walkabout on his tour there. But the President's spokesman denied this: "No, it was not [stolen]. It was placed in his pocket". When asked why the President decided to put it in his pocket his spokesman accidentally blurted out, "Because it would have been embarrassing if someone asked him to tell them the time."

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Tuesday, June 12 in the news....

  • Controversial filmmaker Michael Moore today accused the US government of harassment over an investigation into a trip he made to Cuba earlier this year for his latest film. Commentators likened the harrasment claims to the ones KFC and McDonald's filed against Moore.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Monday, June 11 in the news....

  • Journalists on Sunday condemned Palestinian militants for using a television truck to disguise their assault on an Israeli military position, saying the new tactic would make their jobs significantly more dangerous. When asked how much more dangerous a journalist put on a Jewish skull cap for a brief second and whispered "This dangerous".

  • Authorities in New South Wales have urged thousands of Australians to evacuate as floodwaters surged from three days of wild weather. Nine people have been killed since storms began Friday near the port city of Newcastle, 90 miles north of Sydney. One resident floating on a boat in his neighbourhood wondered if the water shortages from the drought were over now, or if his house had to be up to its roof in water first.

  • President Bush was enthusiastically welcomed in Albania as the first U.S. president in the former communist nation. Bush got a hero's reception in this desperately poor country, still struggling to recover after four decades under the harsh rule of dictator Enver Hoxha. When a 5 year old Albanian boy came up and said 'Don't mess with Texas', Bush asked his advisors whether the boy could have a missile defence system in his backyard.

  • A message in support of Paris Hilton was towed by an airplane before she made her court appearance on Friday in Los Angeles. The pilot also dropped leaflets over the city explaining why he was so lame for taking the job.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Sunday, June 10 in the news....

  • President George W. Bush said on Saturday he felt "awe" in the presence of Pope Benedict, who urged him to seek "regional and negotiated" solutions to Middle East conflicts like Iraq. When asked if he would ever feel like that in front of anyone else, Bush said, "Yes. Shrek."

  • Tony Blair told Vladimir Putin yesterday that the world was becoming more and more afraid of Russia‚Äôs behaviour at home and abroad. In response Putin twiddled his fingers together and responded with "Exxxcceeellllent."

  • A Los Angeles judge has ordered a screaming and crying Paris Hilton back to jail to finish a sentence for probation violation, overturning a decision by the LA Sheriff's Department to have the celebrity heiress serve the sentence at home for medical reasons. Screaming "Mom, Mom, it's not right," a dishevelled Hilton was taken away from the courtroom. To ease her state of mind her mum handed her her favourite blanket and the dildo she sleeps with.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Thursday, June 7 in the news......

  • Russian President Vladimir Putin turned the tables on Washington on Thursday by suggesting the United States use a Russian-controlled radar instead of U.S. anti-missile hardware in central Europe. The Russian-controlled radar was built after extensive Soviet cost cuts in the 80's, so it also plays all Commodore 64 games.

  • Law enforcement sources have said that Paris Hilton's medical condition was purely psychological and that she was in peril of having a nervous breakdown, that's why she was released from jail after just three days. Hilton's doctor has said she needs to be put back on the medication she was taking before jail to cure it: cocaine and sex shows filmed for the internet.

  • Reverend Al Sharpton has blasted the justice system for what appears to be favoritism in the early release of celebrity Paris Hilton. The high profile black preacher said he hadn't seen an outrage like this since the OJ Simpson verdict. When reminded that OJ got off the murder charge which he supported, Sharpton laughed and said "Ha ha, whoops, for a minute there I lost my mind, now where was I, oh yeah, famous white rich people are the devil."

  • Prince William has surprised staff at a supermarket when, dressed in a t-shirt, jeans and baseball cap, he dropped by to pick up $2000 worth of booze and chips. His explanation that it was for a quiet night with just his brother watching soccer did not surprise staff however.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Wednesday, June 6 in the news....

  • A healthier looking Fidel Castro appeared on Cuban television Tuesday, speaking slowly and focusing on past memories rather than his recovery and future. When he discussed that time with Sandy on vacation at the beach and began mumbling the lyrics to 'Summer Nights' they cut to a TV test pattern.

  • A suicide car bomber struck a group of tribal chiefs who opposed al-Qaida, killing at least 18 in a market area near Fallujah. The driver of the pickup had gained access to the market area by saying he needed to buy some watermelons, which he did, before then driving very fast towards the tribal chiefs and detonating the explosives. There has yet to be speculation about whether he thought the watermelon prices were too high.

  • Brazil police have formally accused a brother of President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva of influence peddling after a nationwide crackdown on illegal gambling. Illegal gambling in Brazil is classified as betting on anything other than soccer.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Tuesday, June 5 in the news....

  • Celebrity socialite Paris Hilton is spending her first day in prison in California on Monday as she begins a 23-day sentence for driving with a suspended licence. Paris admits she is scared, but ready. Going by the last time she said this, there are fears Paris will enjoy it so much she will be going back to all sorts of jails more than once a day for the rest of her life.

  • Russia's President Vladimir Putin has described himself as the world's only 'pure' democrat and attacked the United States and Europe on democracy. Not anticipating this from the Russian President, NATO remains unsure if it has a missile defence for when one flies over the cuckoo's nest.

Monday, June 04, 2007

Monday, June 4 in the news....

  • A union official is under investigation over an alleged death threat made against inspectors from the Federal Government's construction industry watchdog. Australian Building and Construction Commission head John Lloyd has said he called in police after a threat was made, News Limited reports today. Lloyd said his team knew it was a threat from the union because the caller making the threat asked them if he had got the number right on the phone pad this time.

  • Students from some of Australia's most exclusive private schools are organising 'fight clubs' in which teenagers ruthlessly beat one another while others video the violence before posting it on the internet. Meanwhile, public school kids can't afford mobile video cameras or the internet so their fight clubs continue unpublicised.

  • A terror cell with links to radical Islam plotted to launch a catastrophic terrorist strike on New York's JFK Airport. It involved scouting the targets using the web-based satellite imaging tool Google Earth. Constantly getting distracted with the mapping system, the terrorists would print out pictures of the White House and the Pentagon and draw rockets and planes hitting them, making the explosion noises with their mouths.

  • Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who triggered outrage in the West two years ago when he said Israel should be 'wiped off the map', said Sunday that "with God's help, the countdown button for the destruction of the Zionist regime has been pushed by the hands of the children of Lebanon and Palestine." When asked where he was getting his constant streams of colourful rhetoric from, Ahmadinejad told the reporter he didn't know what he was talking about, denying claims he has the largest collection of Batman comics in Central Asia.

  • Russian President Vladimir Putin said he considers U.S. plans to build an eastern European anti-missile site to shoot down Iranian missiles a provocation aimed at Russia. "What kind of steps are we going to take in response? Of course, we are going to get new targets in Europe," Mr. Putin said in an interview. When asked why he doesn't just build his own missile defence shield in response and quit pissing and moaning with threats that are technically well known and accounted for in the West anyhow, the journalist was whisked off, poisoned, and replaced by another journalist.

  • People eat more when they are glued to the television, and the more entertaining the program, the more they eat, according to research presented on Saturday. Al Gore said he really needs to cut down on watching the weather channel.

  • A railway worker who emerged from a 19-year coma woke to a radically altered Poland and is learning to adapt to his new life, Polish media reported. He was shocked at the changes in Poland's economy - especially its stores: "He remembered shelves filled with mustard and vinegar only" under communism. Now he is surprised at such things as the prevalence of cell phones among youth on the streets and Poland's burgeoning strategic relationship with the West and the United States. Reflecting on the changes over the last 19 years, there was one thing he was not surprised to discover though: "I see the Russians are still arseholes".

  • Five Walt Disney World visitors and an employee were injured last Tuesday after a water ride that simulates a trip down a rain forest river malfunctioned, authorities said. Disney closed the ride to investigate the cause. It has not ruled out global warming.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Sunday, June 3 in the news....

  • Taliban may be among the dead after a boat with about 60 people on board sank in a river in Afghanistan's southern Helmand province, the Afghan Defence Ministry said on Saturday. Reflecting on this tragedy, the Taliban announced that each fighter will now be equipped with not only guns and explosives but also rubber duckie inflatables.

  • A US warship opened fire on suspected al-Qaeda targets in northeastern Somalia after Islamist fighters clashed with Somali troops. The US military was targeting the al-Qaeda hideout and attempting to flush out all the terrorists, the governor for the region said. Locals were mystified at the technique, noting that the best way to flush out any criminals hiding was to leave a trail of food leading straight into a prison cell. The locals also noted that this is how Islamists were able to recruit some enemy Ethiopian soldiers to their side in recent skirmishes - they had twinkies.

Saturday, June 02, 2007

More Saturday, June 2 in the news.....

  • In London, actor Hugh Grant will not face charges over claims he attacked a photographer with a tub of baked beans and kicked out at him, the Crown Prosecution Service said on Saturday. The photographer said he never feared for his life during the incident, although after it, when he had time to think over the assault after fleeing the scene, he almost died laughing.

  • China and the United States are to set up a defense hotline, one of Beijing's top generals said on Saturday, a move aimed at improving military relations. Pranksters in the US military ranks have been warned not to order fried rice.

  • Muslim taxi drivers in the United States have drawn the ire of airport authorities for refusing to pick up customers who are carrying alcohol in their luggage. Meanwhile, some customers have drawn the ire of Muslim taxi drivers for refusing to board their taxi for fear it is packed with explosives.

Saturday, June 2 in the news...

  • Former U.S. Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan said on Friday that U.S. interest rates are low. He said the prevalence of low interest rates throughout the world was one of the things that surprised him as he prepared his reflections on his past for the new book he was promoting, "The Age of Turbulence." Or as some financial analysts interpreted his comments for what they thought was the real book's title: "The Shit's Gonna Hit The Fan And I'll Likely Be Dead By Then."

  • The U.S. is not preparing for war against Iran and Vice President Dick Cheney supports that policy, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice says. When asked whether she had spoken to Cheney about that, Rice responded "No, he's too busy preparing war plans for....Anbar Province, in Iraq...yes...those troublesome Sunnis in Iraq..."

Friday, June 01, 2007

Friday, June 1 in the news....

  • Russian scientists have proposed a solution to global warming it has been revealed today. They are not detailing much as yet but Al Gore has hired more bodyguards and is reportedly ordering all his meals be checked for polonium 210 beforehand.