Wednesday, November 28 in the news....
- NATO air-strikes killed 12 civilian road workers in eastern Afghanistan, a provincial governor said on Wednesday, an incident bound to fuel Afghan resentment against the presence of international forces. In response, international forces handed out more soccer balls.
- Serbs and Kosovo Albanians meet for a final hour of talks on Wednesday, along with the trio of mediators that has struggled in vain to break the deadlock over the future of the breakaway province. The mediators, from the European Union, the United States and Russia, were due to hold a news conference later in the Austrian capital and will make final visits to Serbia and Kosovo next Monday. The Europeans feigned interest about the visits, the Russians eyed off where the US will travel, and the United States denied its final visit to Serbia involved bombs.
- A Russian man blew himself up with a hand grenade Tuesday shortly after train inspectors asked to see his ticket. "Some people don't like to pay fines," an inspector told waiting media.
- Russia announced officially the start of campaigning for next year's presidential election on Wednesday. All sides promised to limit the politics of personal destruction by using contract killing sparingly.
Tuesday, November 27 in the news....
- A 6.0 magnitude earthquake hit near the city of Iwaki in Japan on Monday, the U.S. Geological Survey reported. Nintendo received numerous complaints about its Wii controllers.
- Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton trails five top Republican presidential contenders in general election match-ups, a drop in support from this summer, according to a poll released on Monday. When asked why, a Clinton aide said the electorate hasn't yet accepted that she had the biggest pair of balls since President Jackson.
- Iraq's government wants to start paying the wages of neighborhood security units that have been backed by U.S. forces and credited with helping cut violence. The government plans to raise taxes on coffins to pay for it.
- President George W. Bush meets Palestinian and Israeli leaders on Monday in a last-ditch push for Palestinian statehood before he leaves office in 14 months. Bush said it was second only to finishing his second Dr. Seuss book before leaving office.
- At least six people died and dozens were injured on Sunday when part of a spectator stand collapsed at a stadium in northeastern Brazil. Ironically it was called the France Section.
- Syria said on Sunday it would join a U.S.-led conference to launch talks on resolving the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Syria was reluctant at first, but after checking its schedule, assured the US it had no immediate assassination plans in Lebanon and could attend the summit.
Saturday, November 24 in the news.....
- About 60 percent of the foreign militants fighting in Iraq have come from U.S. allies Saudi Arabia and Libya, unidentified U.S. military officials said in a newspaper. Saudi Arabia denied the accusations, Libya didn't, but claimed they were only after Doc Emmett Brown.
- Afghan President Hamid Karzai said on Wednesday Taliban insurgent leaders were increasingly contacting him to try to find ways of making peace. Some of the ways they suggested were suicide bombings, rocket attacks, and car bombs.
- The 53-nation Commonwealth suspended Pakistan on Thursday, after President Pervez Musharraf failed to meet a deadline to lift emergency rule and resign as army chief. As a result the Commonwealth Games will be robbed of two bronze medal performances.
- A bomb hidden in a box containing birds killed 13 people and wounded 57 at a popular pet market in central Baghdad on Friday. Suicide Birders are now on the radar for future security threats.
Wednesday, November 21 in the news....
- The Bush administration said Tuesday it will inaugurate peace talks between Israel and the Palestinians next week, ending a seven-year lull. The peace talks will keep going until both sides want to kill each other again.
- Saudi Arabia defended on Tuesday a court's decision to sentence a woman who was gang-raped to 200 lashes of the whip. The Saudis accused their detractors of being a bunch of girls who need a good beating.
- The number of Somalis uprooted by fighting in their own country has hit a 'staggering' one million, with nearly 200,000 streaming out of the capital in the past two weeks alone. The departures have left the rental market in the doldrums and property developers have had to cut back jobs and reduce plans for more mud huts.
Tuesday, November 20 in the news....
- In Pakistan, a Supreme Court hand-picked by President Gen. Pervez Musharraf swiftly dismissed legal challenges to his continued rule on Monday, opening the way for him to serve another five-year term. Musharraf thanked the judges for their wise deliberation, and he did it without laughing, proving he is a man of steely resolve.
- Iran is far from acquiring a nuclear weapon, and despite U.S. fears about its atomic intentions, an American military strike against the Islamic Republic is unlikely, former Secretary of State Colin Powell said Sunday. Colin Powell ended his speech with, 'And that is why I'm the former Secretary of State'.
- Last week, Brazil confirmed a monster offshore oil discovery and promising fields near the find. The country said it would use the new found oil wealth to import more soccer balls.
- The White House announced the resignation of Fran Townsend, US President George W. Bush's top aide for domestic security and counter-terror activities. Townsend gave public updates on the extent of the threat to U.S. security at times, and there was no talk that this was a sacking for 'not being spooky enough'.
- The Bush administration has spent almost $100 million in the past six years on a classified program to help Pakistani President Gen. Pervez Musharraf secure his country's nuclear weapons, The New York Times has reported. The main part of the program involves putting signs out the front of bases that read: 'No Nuclear Weapons Here'.
Sunday, November 18 in the news.....
- A mass grave filled with badly decomposed bodies was unearthed Saturday in southern Baghdad. Mass grave is another term for 'local street' in Baghdad.
- Thousands of Hamas loyalists protested outside Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas's Gaza City home Friday, warning that violence would erupt if he makes concessions to Israel in a U.S.-sponsored peace conference. Abbas wasn't home at the time, and has decided to put it up for sale, real estate agents expect the property to go for at least 22 deaths when it is eventually bombed.
- French rail strikes entered a fourth day on Saturday with fewer trains running than a day before. With more people walking and riding to work, tourists have been warned to stay indoors if they are already sensitive to French body odour.
- Washington's No. 2 diplomat met with President Gen. Pervez Musharraf on Saturday - a bit of face-to-face diplomacy aimed at convincing the general to move back toward democracy. Meanwhile, Washington's No. 1 diplomat was hard at work convincing the rest of the world Pakistan had a democracy. In related news, Washington's No. 3 diplomat was out and about convincing foreign media that the No. 1 and No. 2 U.S. diplomats should be taken seriously.
- China called on Myanmar to speed up democratic reforms, state media reported Saturday. Myanmar is considering changing the name of the country to Democracy. U.S. diplomats said they can't, but Myanmar said a country called Democracy is Democratic. Pakistan sent their congratulations, President Bush tried to but got the letter smacked out of his hand by Laura.
- The Earth is hurtling toward a warmer climate at a quickening pace, a Nobel-winning U.N. scientific panel said in a landmark report released Saturday. To save face they refused to cite 'cows farting' as the primary reason why the world is facing doom and gloom.
- Aid groups in Congo have secured the release of 232 child soldiers from militia fighters who forcibly recruited them in the east of the country. The children have to now wait till 13 to contribute to the region's instability.
- At least 3,867 members of the U.S. military have died since the beginning of the Iraq war in March 2003, according to an Associated Press count. The AP had to recount after they thought they double-counted toe tags at 1,562. And again at 2,455.
- In Egypt, the attack a decade ago was stunning, and is still recalled with horror: Islamic militants with knives and automatic weapons killed 58 foreign tourists - mainly Germans, Swiss and Japanese - at one of Egypt's most popular pharaonic temples. Some of the bodies were mutilated. Today, the tragedy is remembered as the good ol days when Islamic terrorism was random and uncoordinated in the world.
- Ukrainian President Viktor Yushchenko on Thursday defended his country's award of a top honor to a man accused of murdering thousands of Jews during World War II. The Ukrainian President told the Israeli ambassador, 'You got to understand, I'm a very popular man when I do this, not just here but all over the world, it's like being a member of The Beatles'.
- The estranged wife of a pastor claims her husband blended his professional and personal finances so thoroughly that his church should be counted as an asset in their divorce. The sale of the church is expected to be interesting, and will be noted among divorce settlements as having the lamest real estate sale ad possibly of all time: 'Location Location Location! Just ask God!'
Tuesday, November 13 in the news....
- At least six people have died in gunfire at a rally in Gaza City organised by Fatah to mark three years since the death of Yasser Arafat. Organisers were disappointed at the death turnout.
- A star Wall Street analyst has told a reporter he's worried about a recession on the way that could be the worst since the 1930s. He also warned it could set off the Germans again.
- A football fan has been shot dead by police during a fight between rival supporters in Italy, officials say. Later hundreds of armed fans attacked a police barracks in Rome in revenge for the killing. The World Cup trophy was brought in as an emergency measure to quell the violence.
Friday, November 9 in the news....
- Italy's highest court on Thursday confirmed life sentences for three former Nazi SS officers for their role in the murder of 560 Tuscan villagers, in one of Italy's worst civilian massacres during World War Two. The defense of 'I was young stupid and hanging out with the Nazis' was dismissed by the judge.
- Formation by the United States of a unified military command for Africa is not a move to push more troops onto the continent and impose American policy, the unit's commander said on Thursday. Visiting African Union (AU) headquarters in the Ethiopian capital, Army Gen. William "Kip" Ward said the Americans just want to 'Show they can piss off Africans with sometimes mistaken air strikes just as equally as they do Arabs and Afghanis'.
- An FBI report warned that al Qaeda may be planning to hit shopping malls in Chicago and Los Angeles during the Christmas season. The FBI refused to reveal what sales or items they were looking to snatch up, or if they had heard 'chatter' over communication channels about what's hot for terror supporters this winter.
Tuesday, November 6 in the news.....
- Citigroup Inc's problems deepened on Monday as it was unable to assure investors a potential $11 billion write-down for subprime mortgages won't grow, and its nearly pristine credit rating was downgraded. The downgrade means Citigroup's rating is now called 'Taxpayers Helping Us Out Soon'.
- In Pakistan, police fired tear gas and clubbed thousands of lawyers protesting President Gen. Pervez Musharraf's decision to impose emergency rule, as Western allies threatened to review aid to the troubled Muslim nation. Pakistan remained confident it would get international support once the tally of lawyers getting clubbed was eventually revealed.