The Big News in Review......
January to March....
Nearly 20 environmentalists scaled the Eiffel Tower to hang protest banners about the threat of global warming as the world's top climate scientists gathered nearby to issue a key report. It alarmed Parisians as they immediately assumed the country had fallen to Greenpeace.
California is set to introduce a bill to ban the spanking of children. Meanwhile, smoking weed in front of children will still be okay.
A U.S. spacecraft is zooming toward a close encounter with Jupiter to study its tempestuous atmosphere, ring system and four of its moons before dashing off to see distant Pluto in 2015, scientists said on Thursday. If the plan fails, President Bush has promised to send 10 more satellites.
A comedy about Hitler by a Jewish filmmaker has rocketed to the top of the German box office charts in its first week in the cinemas. Its success has caused concern and consternation once again for German Jewry as Germans do not have a sense of humour.
David Beckham is rumoured to be signing with a US team and will announce today. Soccer fans in Europe do not know for sure that his onfield exploits will ever be heard of again.
In South Carolina a security guard has shot at a fleeing woman who stole a book from the library he was guarding. When reached for comment, the security guard muttered "Motherfuckers need to learn how to borrow correctly."
Governor Schwarzenegger has put together a proposal to provide health care cover for all in California. The plan is ambitious, and when asked why Californians should have any confidence in the plan, the Governor noted that he had previously provided air to all of Mars successfully.
U.S. stocks plummeted Tuesday as concerns that the Chinese and American economies were cooling and fears that shares were overvalued sparked a global market decline. By today the Chinese market had picked up ground and many Wall Street brokers were relieved they jumped out of first floor windows as a precaution.
Japan and the USA are to hold joint fighter drills in Fukuoka Prefecture. The drills will involve the US military's F-15 fighter jets and the Americans are having to pay high insurance premiums as Japanese pilots like to fly into targets.
Iran for the first time formally denied claims by Iraqi and US officials that radical Iraqi cleric Moqtada al-Sadr is in the Islamic republic, the ISNA news agency reported. Although still uncertain of his whereabouts, Iraqi and US officials have ruled out some parts of the Middle East, specifically, Israel.
The Italian government warned on Wednesday of possible violence during a protest at a U.S. military base this weekend. The base is playing host to a Serie A soccer match.
New York City is planning to open an Arabic Public School next September. The school will cover all educational topics needed to get a head start in NYC except aviation and chemistry.
Nearly 160,000 turkeys have been culled in Britain after the country's first major outbreak of bird flu. It was discovered later that the tip was wrong, and had in fact come from a tourist who got sick and was sure he had bad food.
Egypt has charged four people with spying for Israel, a state prosecutor said on Saturday. Three were Israelis and one was an Egyptian with a Canadian citizenship. The four spies were actively pursued and caught in a bungled escape, with the Egyptian overheard screaming at the arresting officers "These fuckers said they could part the Red Sea!"
Eight cars plunged through a thin layer of ice on Lake Baikal in Siberia today, Russian disaster control services said. Fishermen had driven their cars out onto the lake, they said. The ice on the world's deepest lake had been too thin to carry the weight of cars after the unusually mild winter. Al Gore blamed global warming, global warming skeptics blamed driving over a lake.
A Russian businessman allied with Ukraine's president was killed by a sniper Tuesday as he was escorted from a courthouse during a break in his extortion trial, a government official said. The trial's conclusion marked Ukraine's shift back towards the intricacies of the Russian justice system.
German police said on Thursday they were investigating four youths for spraying sheep with swastikas, the cross-like symbol used by the Nazis. Scholars noted how Nazism had come a long way from invading France and the Soviet Union.
Spanish matador Fernando Cruz suffered horrific groin injuries this week after a bull's horns tore into his upper thigh and eviscerated his testicles. He stood up after and saluted around the ring in victory to the crowd's delight, minus his balls.
A New York restaurateur has cooked up the world's most extravagant pizza -- a $1,000 pizza topped with six sorts of caviar and fresh lobster. If it's not delivered in 30 minutes it's free.