Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Tuesday, October 30 in the news....

  • Australia, one of the best-performing advanced economies, faced looming economic turbulence from the subprime lending meltdown in the United States, Prime Minister John Howard warned on Sunday. On Friday, Australian Treasurer Peter Costello had warned of an approaching international financial "tsunami", with China at its epicenter. On Saturday, they both drank beer and said who gives a stuff to appeal to the majority of voters.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Monday, October 29 in the news.....

  • Britain failed to act on information passed to it by Saudi Arabia which might have helped prevent suicide bombings in London in 2005 that killed 52 people, Saudi Arabia's King Abdullah said on Monday. The information was apparently too broad though, as it was mainly composed of 'we built some mosques in your country'.

  • In two recent interviews, French President Nicolas Sarkozy expressed his admiration for both the U.S. work ethic and its pop music. Sarkozy said he even considered using 50 Cent's 'Get Rich Or Die Tryin' as his motto for France during the election.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Tuesday, October 23 in the news.....

  • Wildfires fanned by fierce desert winds forced the evacuations of nearly 250,000 people Monday in San Diego County as more than a dozen wildfires engulfed Southern California. Mexico went on alert as the fires threatened to drive illegal immigrants back over the border again.

  • President Bush asked Congress on Monday for another $46 billion to fund the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and finance other national security needs. The President said he didn't have time to wait for another rainbow to send out special forces and retrieve the pot of gold at the end of it.

  • Speaking on an audiotape aired Monday, Osama bin Laden called for Iraqi insurgents to unite and avoid divisive 'extremism'. Truck bombs will now have 'UNITY' spray painted on the side.

  • The Federal Reserve will do whatever is necessary to prevent damage from the credit crunch that has gripped world financial markets and Wall Street, a Fed official said Monday. The Fed official said the standards for lending to budding refinancers was now so low that they took down the 'no shoes no shirt no service' sign out the front.

  • Israel obtained a two-decade-old letter written in captivity by its most famous missing soldier as part of a recent exchange with the Hezbollah guerrilla group, Prime Minister Ehud Olmert said Monday. Some of the letter was read out, including the following: "I'm okay and they're treating me well, if it wasn't for me being a Zionist Jew who parachuted into Muslim-controlled foreign territory I think I'd be more popular."

Friday, October 19, 2007

Friday, October 19 in the news....

  • With 15 months to go in office, President George W. Bush wants the U.S. Congress to know he has no plans to fade quietly away, the President says he will be 'sprinting to the finish line'. Unfortunately, no one watches the Special Olympics.

  • China might not have a permanent presence in space yet, but the country is already thinking about setting up a Communist Party in space. The branch will occupy a future space station, but not until the outpost is established, and not until astronauts who object to it have moved to Taiwan.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Wednesday, October 17 in the news....

  • Hip-hop mogul Diddy -- real name Sean Combs -- is being investigated in relation to an alleged assault at a New York City nightclub during the weekend, police sources said. Patrons were rushed to hospital with severe headaches, supposedly after Diddy forced the club to play one of his new records.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Tuesday, October 16 in the news....

  • The U.S. military believes it has dealt devastating and perhaps irreversible blows to al-Qaeda in Iraq in recent months, leading some generals to advocate a declaration of victory over the group, which the Bush administration has long described as the most lethal U.S. adversary in Iraq. In related news, 200 other Islamic terror groups in Iraq are now vying for al-Qaeda's title.

  • Brazilian and Argentine paleontologists have discovered the largely complete fossil of a new species of giant dinosaur that roamed what is now northern Patagonia about 80 million years ago. Paleontologists is a South American term for stumbling across shit while playing soccer.

  • Turkey's government agreed on Monday, as expected, to seek parliamentary permission to send troops into northern Iraq to crush Kurdish rebels there, but said it still hoped this would not be necessary. When asked why they hoped it would not be necessary, the Turks said that unlike the US most of the taxdollars they would use to pay for the incursion comes from the profits of foreign Turkish Delight sales.

  • President Vladimir Putin has been warned by his special services of a possible plot to assassinate him during a visit to Tehran this week, according to the Kremlin. It was later discovered that this was a planned celebration to welcome the Russians to Iran with some of their native culture.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Thursday, October 11 in the news....

  • Britain's Prince William is to follow in his father's footsteps by learning to fly with the Royal Air Force next year, his spokesman said on Wednesday. His father is very happy of his wanting to emulate his path, including the early stages of hair loss and falling for an average-looking missus.

  • Taliban rebels have freed a German hostage in Afghanistan after more than two months of captivity, said a diplomatic source who declined to be named. He was released after a secretive deal made by German officials and the Taliban, of which there were rumours that the captive would be released unharmed, and 'the Taliban wouldn't upset the Germans like the Zionists once did'.

  • Last month's pro-democracy protests in Myanmar and the military junta's ruthless and bloody crackdown have hit tourism hard, industry insiders said. A campaign is underway to get things back on track, but the slogan 'Bolder and Badder than Baghdad, Bigger and Better than Basra' has left tourists shy.

  • Turkish Prime Minister Tayyip Erdogan confirmed on Wednesday his government was drawing up plans to authorize a military incursion into northern Iraq to crush Kurdish rebels using the region as a base. The Americans said they would not stop it, but they passed on their protest by sending Bruce Willis to meet with the Turkish PM, his message was simple and direct: "WELCOME TO THE PARTY PAL!"

  • Sudan's army has denied attacking the only Darfur rebel faction to sign a peace deal with Khartoum, saying tribal clashes were to blame for the fighting on Monday in which 45 people were supposedly killed. When asked by journalists to comment on the situation, President Bush said that it was wrong to jump to conclusions about who was to blame for the tragic loss of life, the President pointedly noting how he believes Darfur is a religion of peace.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Wednesday, October 10 in the news....

  • Two European scientists won the 2007 Nobel Prize in physics on Tuesday for a discovery that lets computers, iPods and other digital devices store reams of data on ever-shrinking hard disks. They smiled as everyone applauded them on stage, then whispered to each other that it was awesome to get a Nobel for figuring out how to reduce the burden of too much porn on their hard drives.

  • Al Qaeda remains the "most serious and dangerous" terrorism threat to the United States and is likely to intensify efforts to place operatives inside this country, a new White House report said on Tuesday. The report dismissed concerns of the other possibility, a drunk President Bush playing with the nuclear codes suitcase.

  • Osama bin Laden could be hiding in a city than a remote tribal region, a former Pakistani intelligence chief said on Tuesday. The idea challenges the notion that Bin Laden prefers caves, and reintroduces the idea that the big city remains the place for the movers and the shakers of the world.

Monday, October 08, 2007


Saturday, October 06, 2007

Saturday, October 6 in the news.....

  • Pakistan's military ruler General Pervez Musharraf swept the most votes in a presidential election on Saturday, Election Commission officials said. His opponents congratulated him and said he won it fair and square, if fair and square meant more guns and soldiers.

  • British tabloid newspapers opted not to publish paparazzi pictures of Prince William and his girlfriend Kate Middleton on Saturday after he complained they had been aggressively pursued by photographers after leaving a London club. Prince Harry was asked if he was ever pursued like this, but couldn't recall an incident, since he's usually passed out in the backseat.

Friday, October 05, 2007

Friday, October 5 in the news....

  • Brad Pitt has spoken about his choice for next President of the United States – His good pal George Clooney. Pitt has urged him to run for the highest office in the country. In related news, Paris Hilton and Britney Spears have yet to endorse Clooney.

  • One of Google's founders, Sergey Brin, has ordered the search site to celebrate Sputnik's launch anniversary on its web page today. It is not known if the Russian-born entrepreneur got the idea approved with his American-born partner, Larry Page, or if 'Starting A Cold War Within Your Company' has been googled by Brin.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Thursday, October 4 in the news....

  • Russia's military space commander vowed to retaliate with an arms race if any country started putting weapon systems into orbit, he said in remarks published on Wednesday. There was no talks of going to a world court to protest such moves, but if it does it will end up being the biggest Space Case of all time.

  • In the UK, schools will have to issue a warning before they show pupils Al Gore's controversial film about global warming, a judge indicated yesterday. The warning will involve educating students on the fact that not all climate change specialists are fat and boring.

  • Computers and photographs for director Steven Spielberg's upcoming fourth 'Indiana Jones' film were stolen, and DreamWorks Pictures SKG has asked local law enforcement to investigate, a studio spokeswoman said. Meanwhile, law enforcement officers have been labelled nOObs and will not be able to find the torrents, say experts in the field of trading in the black market of such thefts.