Monday, December 31, 2007

The Big News in Review......
January to March....


Nearly 20 environmentalists scaled the Eiffel Tower to hang protest banners about the threat of global warming as the world's top climate scientists gathered nearby to issue a key report. It alarmed Parisians as they immediately assumed the country had fallen to Greenpeace.

California is set to introduce a bill to ban the spanking of children. Meanwhile, smoking weed in front of children will still be okay.

A U.S. spacecraft is zooming toward a close encounter with Jupiter to study its tempestuous atmosphere, ring system and four of its moons before dashing off to see distant Pluto in 2015, scientists said on Thursday. If the plan fails, President Bush has promised to send 10 more satellites.

A comedy about Hitler by a Jewish filmmaker has rocketed to the top of the German box office charts in its first week in the cinemas. Its success has caused concern and consternation once again for German Jewry as Germans do not have a sense of humour.

David Beckham is rumoured to be signing with a US team and will announce today. Soccer fans in Europe do not know for sure that his onfield exploits will ever be heard of again.

In South Carolina a security guard has shot at a fleeing woman who stole a book from the library he was guarding. When reached for comment, the security guard muttered "Motherfuckers need to learn how to borrow correctly."

Governor Schwarzenegger has put together a proposal to provide health care cover for all in California. The plan is ambitious, and when asked why Californians should have any confidence in the plan, the Governor noted that he had previously provided air to all of Mars successfully.


U.S. stocks plummeted Tuesday as concerns that the Chinese and American economies were cooling and fears that shares were overvalued sparked a global market decline. By today the Chinese market had picked up ground and many Wall Street brokers were relieved they jumped out of first floor windows as a precaution.

Japan and the USA are to hold joint fighter drills in Fukuoka Prefecture. The drills will involve the US military's F-15 fighter jets and the Americans are having to pay high insurance premiums as Japanese pilots like to fly into targets.

Iran for the first time formally denied claims by Iraqi and US officials that radical Iraqi cleric Moqtada al-Sadr is in the Islamic republic, the ISNA news agency reported. Although still uncertain of his whereabouts, Iraqi and US officials have ruled out some parts of the Middle East, specifically, Israel.

The Italian government warned on Wednesday of possible violence during a protest at a U.S. military base this weekend. The base is playing host to a Serie A soccer match.

New York City is planning to open an Arabic Public School next September. The school will cover all educational topics needed to get a head start in NYC except aviation and chemistry.

Nearly 160,000 turkeys have been culled in Britain after the country's first major outbreak of bird flu. It was discovered later that the tip was wrong, and had in fact come from a tourist who got sick and was sure he had bad food.

Egypt has charged four people with spying for Israel, a state prosecutor said on Saturday. Three were Israelis and one was an Egyptian with a Canadian citizenship. The four spies were actively pursued and caught in a bungled escape, with the Egyptian overheard screaming at the arresting officers "These fuckers said they could part the Red Sea!"


Eight cars plunged through a thin layer of ice on Lake Baikal in Siberia today, Russian disaster control services said. Fishermen had driven their cars out onto the lake, they said. The ice on the world's deepest lake had been too thin to carry the weight of cars after the unusually mild winter. Al Gore blamed global warming, global warming skeptics blamed driving over a lake.

A Russian businessman allied with Ukraine's president was killed by a sniper Tuesday as he was escorted from a courthouse during a break in his extortion trial, a government official said. The trial's conclusion marked Ukraine's shift back towards the intricacies of the Russian justice system.

German police said on Thursday they were investigating four youths for spraying sheep with swastikas, the cross-like symbol used by the Nazis. Scholars noted how Nazism had come a long way from invading France and the Soviet Union.

Spanish matador Fernando Cruz suffered horrific groin injuries this week after a bull's horns tore into his upper thigh and eviscerated his testicles. He stood up after and saluted around the ring in victory to the crowd's delight, minus his balls.

A New York restaurateur has cooked up the world's most extravagant pizza -- a $1,000 pizza topped with six sorts of caviar and fresh lobster. If it's not delivered in 30 minutes it's free.

The Big News in Review......
April to June....


A German phone thief led police right to his front door when they called the stolen mobile to say he had won some free beer and he willingly gave his address. He has been offered political asylum in Australia.

Pope Benedict XVI is planning to visit New York City for a trip to the United Nations headquarters. Organisers are still figuring out how they are going to fit the Pope Mobile in the elevator.

A NASA worker took a handgun inside an office building Friday at the Johnson Space Center and fatally shot a hostage before killing himself, police said. A second hostage escaped with minor injuries. NASA tried to emphasise the positives by saying the Johnson Space Center has never lost a man in space.

A Virginia Tech senior from South Korea was behind the massacre of at least 30 people locked inside a campus building in the deadliest shooting rampage in modern U.S. history, the university said Tuesday. There is some heated debate about how a South Korean found time away from the internet to commit such a massacre.

Britain's Ministry of Defense faced fierce criticism on Monday for letting 15 sailors and marines held captive in Iran sell their stories to the media. '15 Short Stories of Surrender' will be available in both hard cover and paperback.


The United States ambassador in Baghdad said he and his Iranian counterpart agreed broadly on topics concerning the Middle East yesterday, following the first bilateral public talks between the two countries in almost 30 years. Iran promised to end any support for Israel and America promised no more support for Hezbollah or al-Qaeda.

The former head of the World Bank Paul Wolfowitz, who resigned in a row about his companion's promotion, said on Monday he had been forced to quit because emotions at the organization had become "overheated". The Europeans were angered at what is a traditional American appointment being filled by someone with ties to the Iraq war and questionable qualifications for the position. Wolfowitz dismissed the lack of qualifications as a bunch of hot air, saying "I'm Jewish, this is a bank, does a black guy play basketball? I mean come on."

A sparrow took a crap on President Bush's arm today at a press conference. Noticing the blemish, the President quickly cleared it away and then declared to the press corps that he will not be removing his outdoor Rose Garden addresses due to the sparrow attack, instead he challenged Democrats to support a continuation of his current policy. Meanwhile, Vice President Dick Cheney has begun working with pigeons in the hope they can drive out sparrows from the Washington DC area.

Dallas Mavericks forward Dirk Nowitzki, the first European to win the NBA's Most Valuable Player award, said on Tuesday he still felt a deep emptiness about his team's playoff collapse. He said he tried writing to the fans to apologise for his performance in the First Round but he couldn't get the words right - his frustration was only compounded more everytime he'd scrunch up the paper to throw in the bin and it would end up on the floor.

Mullah Dadullah, the feared Taliban commander killed at the weekend in battle with U.S.-led forces in Afghanistan, has been replaced by his younger brother, a Taliban spokesman said. His other 75 brothers walked away empty-handed and disappointed.


Israel opened part of a major commercial crossing with Gaza on Thursday for the first time since the Islamist group Hamas seized control of the coastal strip two weeks ago, U.N. and Israeli officials said. Wheat was transferred weighing about 5,000 tonnes, and it will be processed in mills in Gaza. Some bags of wheat failed inspections at Hamas checkpoints and were consequently tied to the back of cars and dragged through the streets while Hamas militants shot at them.

Intrusion on Muslim lands is what drives the hatred of Indonesia-based extremist network Jemaah Islamiah for the West, the group's jailed military boss told CNN in an interview broadcast today. When asked what specific Muslim lands he was talking about the miltary boss said 'Earth'.

New Zealand authorities have blocked a couple's bid to officially name their new son '4real,' saying numerals are not allowed. Pat and Sheena Wheaton said they decided to name their new baby '4real' shortly after having an ultrasound and being struck by the reality of his impending arrival. Although the authorities shot the name down, they did approve the child to call his parents 'Idiot1' and 'Idiot2'.

Hamas fighters overran two of the rival Fatah movement's most important security command centers in the Gaza Strip on Thursday, major advances in the Islamic group's attempts to take over Gaza. "We are telling our people that the past era has ended and will not return," Islam Shahawan, a spokesman for Hamas' militia, told Hamas radio. "The era of justice and Islamic rule and chocolate cake has arrived." The Hamas spokesman looked down at his reader notes then turned back to his fellow militants, "Okay, who added chocolate cake?"

Former Pakistan cricket coach Bob Woolmer died of natural causes, and not of murder as initially suspected, Jamaican police said on Tuesday. This report surfaced after they reclassified natural causes to include Pakistan being knocked out of the World Cup in the first stage.

President George W. Bush said on Saturday he felt "awe" in the presence of Pope Benedict, who urged him to seek "regional and negotiated" solutions to Middle East conflicts like Iraq. When asked if he would ever feel like that in front of anyone else, Bush said, "Yes. Shrek."

The Big News in Review......
July to September....


Burj Dubai, a tower under construction in the United Arab Emirates' trade hub, became the tallest building in the world on Saturday, measuring 512.1 meters (1,680 ft), its developer said. Local Arabs were awaiting the most exciting part, knocking it down.

India elected its first female president on Saturday, early results showed, in what supporters called a groundbreaking progressive move for the country. It is being ranked next to embracing a sixteen-armed elephant as a god.

# President Bush took his critics to task Saturday for using the poor marks the Iraqi government received on a progress report this week as reason to argue that the war is lost. Bush said he got poor marks all through school and he still made it.

A squid as long as a bus and weighing 550 pounds washed up on an Australian beach on Wednesday. The dead squid, measuring 3 feet across at its widest point and 26 feet from the tip of its body to the end of its tentacles, was found by a beachcomber at Ocean Beach on the island state of Tasmania's west coast. Beachcomber in Tasmania is the technical term for wandering drunk.

President Bush is not contemplating withdrawing forces from Iraq now despite an erosion of support among Republicans for his war policy, the White House said Monday. In related news, former President Bill Clinton on the campaign trail for Hillary sidestepped questions relating to successful withdrawals in his administration.

A French official has suggested Bush was behind September 11. President Bush's spokesman said the only thing Bush has been behind is his classmates.


A Japanese man arrested for making 388 prank phone calls to the local fire station between May 2006 and July this year said he did it because he was lonely. That broke the record set by Al Gore before he discovered global warming.

Foreign firefighters and aircraft joined the battle Tuesday against blazes in southern Greece, and officials expressed optimism that wildfires burning some of the country's lushest landscape could be brought under partial control. Greece has tired of the worst wildfires in memory, devastating large swathes of the country and killing at least 64 people, but it has grown more tired of people calling it a Greek Tragedy.

A step-by-step guide to building a body like President Vladimir Putin's was available to readers of a Russian newspaper yesterday. Official photographs of the 54-year-old leader holidaying in southern Siberia last week showed him fishing with his shirt off to display a well-honed torso. Under the headline: 'Get a body like Putin's', the daily published an exercise guide by a fitness instructor. The article was almost as popular as the week's before, 'Rid your enemies like Putin'.

Georgia has accused Russia of firing missiles from jet fighters at one of their villagers, when told of the accusations Russian President Vladimir Putin said "They prefer poisonings?"


A special effects technician working on the new Batman film was killed when a vehicle he was in crashed while on a stunt test run. Another crew member was fired for beaming a Bat-Signal into the air instead of calling an ambulance.

Four former Guantanamo prisoners should be allowed to proceed with their lawsuit claiming torture and violations of their religious rights, their lawyer argued Friday. When asked what the violations of religious rights were exactly, the lawyer put a gag on his clients after they said 'Killing Americans in a Holy War'.

A school in northern France was evacuated yesterday after a nine-year-old girl took a World War II handgrenade to show to the class. The other students sat on the school oval after the scare waving the white flags they had brought for show and tell about WWII.

Sixteen Saudis returned home on Thursday after the United States released them from a prison camp at Guantanamo Bay where foreign terrorism suspects are held. 15 other Saudis are rumoured to be held in New York City as part of the 9/11 investigation, but the bone and teeth fragments have not been identified conclusively.

The parents of missing Madeleine McCann said on Friday they will sue a Portuguese newspaper that claimed they had killed their daughter. When it goes to court the McCann's will check in on the proceedings every now and then while they have dinner with friends.

The Big News in Review......
October to December....


Speaking on an audiotape aired Monday, Osama bin Laden called for Iraqi insurgents to unite and avoid divisive 'extremism'. Truck bombs will now have 'UNITY' spray painted on the side.

The Federal Reserve will do whatever is necessary to prevent damage from the credit crunch that has gripped world financial markets and Wall Street, a Fed official said Monday. The Fed official said the standards for lending to budding refinancers was now so low that they took down the 'no shoes no shirt no service' sign out the front.

With 15 months to go in office, President George W. Bush wants the U.S. Congress to know he has no plans to fade quietly away, the President says he will be 'sprinting to the finish line'. Unfortunately, no one watches the Special Olympics.

President Vladimir Putin has been warned by his special services of a possible plot to assassinate him during a visit to Tehran this week, according to the Kremlin. It was later discovered that this was a planned celebration to welcome the Russians to Iran with some of their native culture.


# NATO air-strikes killed 12 civilian road workers in eastern Afghanistan, a provincial governor said on Wednesday, an incident bound to fuel Afghan resentment against the presence of international forces. In response, international forces handed out more soccer balls.

Russia announced officially the start of campaigning for next year's presidential election on Wednesday. All sides promised to limit the politics of personal destruction by using contract killing sparingly.

The 53-nation Commonwealth suspended Pakistan on Thursday, after President Pervez Musharraf failed to meet a deadline to lift emergency rule and resign as army chief. As a result the Commonwealth Games will be robbed of two bronze medal performances.

Saudi Arabia defended on Tuesday a court's decision to sentence a woman who was gang-raped to 200 lashes of the whip. The Saudis accused their detractors of being a bunch of girls who need a good beating.

A mass grave filled with badly decomposed bodies was unearthed Saturday in southern Baghdad. Mass grave is another term for 'local street' in Baghdad.


# An explosion at an Islamic school in a Pakistani town on the Afghan border on Monday killed at least five people and wounded three, police said. Authorities have not confirmed whether it was during Show and Tell.

Russian opposition leader Garry Kasparov, the former World Chess Champion, said Thursday the Kremlin has stopped him from running for president by preventing his supporters from meeting to nominate him. Kasparov refused to speculate whether the Russian government had employed the same IBM computer that beat him at chess.

US Defense Secretary Robert Gates held out hope Friday that US forces in Iraq could continue a steady decline next year if security keeps improving, but said patience must be had, explaining how it took 55 years to get down to 30,000 troops in Korea.

Egypt has rejected Israeli criticism that its government has failed to stop smugglers from crossing the porous border with the Gaza Strip. Israel's Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni infuriated Egyptian officials on Monday by accusing Egypt of doing a "terrible" job in securing the border. Egypt shot back by saying that it's not so easy to do and Israelis should know since Moses proved the difficulty of containing such efforts.

Monday, December 31 in the news.....

  • The opposition party of slain former Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto on Sunday chose her husband and 19-year-old son as co-chairmen of the party. Benazir Bhutto went into politics after her father, a former President, was hanged by the military. Her son told reporters: "I'm so excited for the future!"

  • Iran said Sunday that it will begin operation of the country's first nuclear power plant in the summer of 2008 using half its 1,000 megawatt capacity, the official news agency IRNA reported. Meanwhile, Israel kept mum on its New Year's Resolutions.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Saturday, December 29 in the news....

  • Hundreds of thousands of mourners have thronged the mausoleum of Pakistan's most famous political dynasty in an outpouring of emotion for Benazir Bhutto. Some hung back, when asked by reporters why one said, "Yeah something about bombs and crazy suicidal Muslims doing shit at these events man."

  • Bhutto was killed Thursday when a suicide attacker shot at her and then blew himself up as she left a rally in Rawalpindi. Some progressive Muslims criticised the events, saying you don't blow up a girl.

  • Beijingers were warned to stay indoors on Thursday as pollution levels across the capital hit the top of the scale, despite repeated assurances by the government that air quality was improving. "This is as bad as it can get," a spokeswoman for the Beijing Environmental Protection Bureau told AFP. Meanwhile, Kenyans training for the Olympic Marathon are beginning to abandon high altitudes and instead run around local garbage dump sites.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Thursday, December 27 in the news......

  • In Iraq, hairdressers have been forced underground due to Muslim extremists blowing up beauty salons. Besides beauty salons, militants have also targeted liquor stores, barber shops and Christian churches. They have also turned magnifying glasses on ants, and microwaved toy soldiers.

  • Japan has reported the successful shooting down of a missile in space. The missile defence system was later found to be part of a video game Nintendo is releasing soon.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Wednesday, December 26 in the news.....

  • Pope Benedict XVI issued a Christmas Day appeal Tuesday to political leaders around the globe to find the "wisdom and courage" to end bloody conflicts in Darfur, Iraq, Afghanistan and Congo. The Pope had said he spoke from experience when he solved his own bloody conflict after spilling communion wine on his choir dress.

  • Two Turkish airstrikes this month destroyed more than 200 Kurdish rebel targets in the mountains of northern Iraq, killing hundreds of insurgents, the military said Tuesday. A coordination center has been set up in Ankara so Turks, Iraqis and Americans can share information on Kurdish rebels deemed terrorists, the Turks were unsuccessful every time they got agreement and then responded with "So how 'bout them Greeks too?"

  • In Iraq, two separate suicide attacks, including one apparently targeting workers in a northern oil hub, killed at least 34 people on Christmas Day, shattering more than a week of relative calm. US military authorities said it was actually looking quite Christmassy before this, but it appeared the terrorists had waited for their presents under the tree too, and this was the result.

  • Egypt has rejected Israeli criticism that its government has failed to stop smugglers from crossing the porous border with the Gaza Strip. Israel's Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni infuriated Egyptian officials on Monday by accusing Egypt of doing a "terrible" job in securing the border. Egypt shot back by saying that it's not so easy to do and Israelis should know since Moses proved the difficulty of containing such efforts.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Saturday, December 22 in the news....

  • US Defense Secretary Robert Gates held out hope Friday that US forces in Iraq could continue a steady decline next year if security keeps improving, but said patience must be had, explaining how it took 55 years to get down to 30,000 troops in Korea.

  • A suicide attacker detonated a bomb packed with ball bearings and nails amid hundreds of worshippers Friday at the residential compound of a former top security official for President Pervez Musharraf, killing at least 50 people, authorities said. With 3 days to go, Pakistan is not looking very Christmassy.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Wednesday, December 19 in the news....

  • Russia wants more concrete reasons from Washington as to why it plans to build an anti-missile system in Poland and the Czech Republic, Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov said on Tuesday. A spokesman for the Bush Administration responded, "So we can eventually beat you in a war by rendering your nuclear arsenal ineffective on the US mainland, you can take out a few cities in Europe sure, that is a first line of defense, not as big a deal, we don't care." The spokesman then tried to retract his statement, "Oh I wasn't supposed to say that, I thought I was working for a Texan straight talker but no, I think I'm gonna get sacked now, dammit."

  • Taliban militants killed 15 Afghan guards working for a private U.S. security firm in an ambush in the west of the country on Tuesday, the provincial governor said. Violence has surged in Afghanistan over the last year, up around 25 percent from 2006, with neither the Taliban insurgents, nor the Afghan government and Western troops gaining any significant advantage. With 6 days to go, Afghanistan is not looking very Christmassy.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Sunday, December 16 in the news....

  • Hamas threatened to launch a new uprising against Israel on Saturday when hundreds of thousands of Islamist supporters rallied in Gaza City to mark the group's 20th anniversary. The Hamas awards took storm when Mohammad stormed the stage and did the moonwalk.

  • A Nigerian former state governor has turned himself in to police after more than a year on the run, vowing to defend himself in court against allegations of corruption. He is expected to appeal to those jurors who haven't been scammed by Nigerians.

  • The family of a suicide bomber who killed 17 U.N. staff in Algiers this week said he joined Islamist rebels after failing to get a taxi license. With 9 days to go things in Algeria are not looking very Christmassy.

  • The Democratic-led Congress authorized more Iraq war spending on Friday, sending President George W. Bush a defense bill requiring no change in strategy. Upon hearing the news, President Bush said it was not right Santa leaked his Christmas wish list to them.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Friday, December 14 in the news.....

  • Russian opposition leader Garry Kasparov, the former World Chess Champion, said Thursday the Kremlin has stopped him from running for president by preventing his supporters from meeting to nominate him. Kasparov refused to speculate whether the Russian government had employed the same IBM computer that beat him at chess.

  • A southern Shiite city hit by three synchronized car bombs buried its dead Thursday, while provincial officials lowered the death toll from 41 to at least 25, with scores wounded, in one of the worst attacks against Iraqi civilians in months. With 11 days to go, things in this city are not looking very Christmassy.

Saturday, December 08, 2007

Saturday, December 8 in the news.....

  • Disappointed after failing to make their case on Iran and influence the outcome of the United States's National Intelligence Estimate released this week, Israel's Military Intelligence will present its hard core evidence on the Islamic Republic's nuclear program on Sunday to the chairman of the US Joint Chiefs of Staff during a rare visit he will be making to Israel. Israel in response to reporter's questions said it's very hard to be Zionists at times as everyone expects Zionists to conspire and win, and then hike interest rates to Gentile borrowers.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Tuesday, December 4 in the news.....

  • An explosion at an Islamic school in a Pakistani town on the Afghan border on Monday killed at least five people and wounded three, police said. Authorities have not confirmed whether it was during Show and Tell.