Monday, February 25, 2008

Monday, February 25 in the news.....

  • Attempting to reassure anxious donors, Hillary Rodham Clinton on Sunday outlined a road map she said she will follow to beat Barack Obama in the Ohio and Texas primaries March 4. One donour put up his hand and asked, "So, I'm not supposed to ask how Obama is going to die accidentally am I?"

  • Kosovo has marked its first week of independence in quiet celebration Sunday. The quiet celebration was rather loud, but it was drowned out by crowds of rioting Serbs.

  • A Japanese man was arrested for trespassing this week after turning up at a high school dressed in a girl's uniform and a long wig, local police said. It was ranked 47th weirdest thing to happen in Japan over the last week.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Thursday, February 21 in the news.....

  • A US Navy cruiser blasted a disabled spy satellite with a pinpoint missile strike that achieved the main mission of exploding a tank of toxic fuel 130 miles above the Pacific Ocean, defense officials said. President Bush hailed it as a victory against the forces opposed to democracy.

  • Afghan and NATO-led troops killed two regional Taliban commanders in southern Afghanistan. Regional Taliban commanders is also another term for local Afghan tribal chiefs.

  • US federal authorities investigating Blackwater Worldwide contractors are returning to Baghdad this week to revisit the scene of a deadly September shooting that left 17 Iraqi civilians dead. There was an awkward moment last visit when the authorities asked some locals where the civilians died and they pointed in every direction, and even had an Iraqi man go into his house and come out with a map as big as his body with hundreds of circles drawn in red pen.

  • An exiled Iranian opposition group claimed Wednesday that Tehran was speeding up a program to develop nuclear weapons. Israel's Mossad refused to discuss any claims they were paying the group to put pressure on the Americans and Europeans, rather saying, 'Oh look it's not us alright. Okay okay, so look we dressed up in moustaches and tried to claim we were the group, but one of our guys forgot to take off his yarmulke'.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Tuesday, February 19 in the news.....

  • Ailing leader Fidel Castro resigned as Cuba's president from nearly a half-century early Tuesday, at the age of 81. When asked of his plans, Fidel said he would continue exerting his power and influence within Cuba, but on a much lesser scale, and primarily over the nurses who are going to feed, bath and take him to the toilet.

  • A raging snow storm that blanketed most of Greece over the weekend also continued into the early morning hours on Monday, plunging the country into sub-zero temperatures. Both men and women have been letting the hair on their shoulders and backs grow longer to keep warmer.

  • Pakistan's opposition parties have won parliamentary elections, threatening President Pervez Musharraf's rule eight years after he seized power in a military coup, unofficial returns showed Tuesday. While the opposition parties celebrated, opposition militaries plotted their future overthrow.

  • Senator Barack Obama said Monday that he doesn't think it's a big deal that he borrowed lines from his friend Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick, although he probably should have given him credit. Bill Clinton said the plagiarism scandal was overblown, as blacks statistically steal more than other Americans.

  • President Bush, touring Africa, said despite Russia's opposition, history will show the independence of Kosovo is "the correct move" and will bring peace to that region. When asked what history that was, President Bush deferred the question, saying he's up to the part where the hot-tempered Southerner lost the war to the yankee rabbit after stepping across the line.

  • The man who claims Princess Diana and his son were killed in a wide-ranging conspiracy led by Britain's royal family said Monday that dark forces within the country's establishment would not accept a marriage between a princess and a Muslim. When queried on what these dark forces might be and what was motivating them, he said the dark forces included a range of issues but primarily were British history, British cultural traditions and British values.

  • Former U.S. President George H.W. Bush urged disgruntled conservatives on Monday to rally around John McCain, calling their criticism of the Republican presidential front-runner 'grossly unfair'. The ex-president would not be drawn on whether he looks younger than John McCain though.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Sunday, February 17 in the news....

  • A female suicide bomber blew herself up in a predominantly Shiite area in central Baghdad on Sunday morning, killing at least three people and wounding 10, police said. Locals were up in arms because the female suicide bomber was out in public without a male escort.

  • President Bush, on a five-nation visit to Africa, challenged Congress on Sunday to renew his global AIDS program. The president was overheard telling an advisor, 'They said when I got the presidency I could spend lots of money, don't give me that, the only time a check bounces is when I spell my name wrong'.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Friday, February 15 in the news......

  • Another shooting rampage in the USA has seen a gunman open fire on a geology class at Northern Illinois University Thursday afternoon, killing five people before taking his own life on stage as panicked students ran and ducked for cover. The killer is believed to be American and the weapon used is believed to be an American right.

  • In a fresh sign of trouble for Hillary Rodham Clinton, one of the former first lady's congressional black supporters intends to vote for Barack Obama at the Democratic National Convention. When the Clinton campaign called the congressional supporter for an answer to whom they would vote for, they asked if the Clinton's ever played roulette, to which 'on occasions' was the answer, this was then followed by a response down the phone of 'Always bet on black!'

  • China defended its policies in Darfur on Thursday and rejected attempts to link the humanitarian crisis to the Beijing Olympics, a day after Steven Spielberg said his conscience would not allow him to continue working as an adviser to the event. Steven Spielberg, after accepting the job, and working for a couple of years on it, has stepped down at a crucial time and it is seen as a very bad piece of publicity on the eve of the Olympics for China. President Ahmadinejad of Iran called his Chinese counterpart, asking if he gets his email joke now, the one where 'Trust me' means 'Fuck you' in Jewish.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Wednesday, February 13 in the news.....

  • Barack Obama, already claiming a "new American majority," is focusing more and more on the likely Republican candidate in the November presidential election as he continues to rack up big victories over Hillary Rodham Clinton in their race for the Democratic nomination. Bill Clinton - already criticised for injecting race-based arguments into the campaign trail - said this is like the 1988 Grammy's and just because more people bought Michael Jackson's Bad didn't mean much because the Grammy still went to Bono and U2 for Joshua Tree.

  • German astronaut Hans Schlegel said he's feeling great and well enough to make a spacewalk Wednesday, after sitting out the mission's first outing because of illness. The astronauts knew their German counterpart was sick when he begun laughing at their jokes.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Tuesday, February 5 in the news.....

  • Barack Obama and Hillary Rodham Clinton fought for a breakout in their eyeball-to-eyeball Democratic duel while Republican John McCain hoped to bury his rival's presidential hopes in a blur of voting Tuesday from Alaska to the Atlantic. While Hillary was measuring up Barack and asserting that she was the real agent for future change, John McCain was measuring up President Bush and asserting that he was the real agent for future low approval ratings and kicking foreigner arse.

  • As Heath Ledger's hometown of Perth prepared for the arrival of his remains, locals expressed dismay at speculation in the media that the actor had used drugs. They said the only such people from Perth who would possibly do that all play for the West Coast Eagles or hang out with Ben Cousins.

Monday, February 04, 2008

Monday, February 4 News with Views....

  • 'We are not building nuclear weapons.' President Ahmadinejad of Iran addresses a rally in Tehran about the nation's growing energy requirements.

  • 'I see you, don't try it.' A guard warns a potential suicide bomber trying to jump the fence as Pakistan holds auditions for the next leader to replace Benazir Bhutto.

  • 'Stay in the 90s where you belong bitch.' Supporters of Barack Obama chase down a Hillary Clinton supporter in Kenya.

Monday, February 4 in the news....

  • Iran said it would test a rocket launcher on Monday that was designed to send the Islamic Republic's first homemade research satellite into orbit by March 2009. It will be the first satellite to have a beard.

  • In one of American football's biggest shockers, New York shattered New England's unbeaten season on Sunday, the 17-14 win was the Giants' 11th straight on the road, and the first time the Patriots tasted defeat in more than a year. In an awkward moment after the game, President Bush called the New York Giants and congratulated them as fine patriots.

  • Australian Federal Opposition Leader Brendan Nelson is coming under increasing pressure to back the Government's planned apology to the Stolen Generations. Meanwhile, prominent leaders in the Holden and Ford communities are having their pleas for an apology to those affected by their Stolen Generations fall on deaf ears from Aboriginal elders.

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Sunday, February 3 in the news.....

  • North Korea received a huge boost from Soviet technology to develop its ballistic missiles and still relies on foreign suppliers for key components, a report obtained on the weekend said. Other Soviet technologies, such as the economic plan for a socialist state, gave North Korea a huge boost in its most successful fields, poverty and oppression.

  • Fighting restarted on Sunday around the presidential palace in the Chadian capital N'Djamena where rebels forces have surrounded President Idriss Deby and loyalist troops, residents said. Residents being those with four sticks and a shadecloth.

  • A stampede at Guangzhou railway station killed one person when frustrated passengers rushed to board trains after days of cancellations because of fierce cold and snow, police confirmed on Sunday. This was in line with China's 'one person crushed in a stampede at the railway station' population control policy.

  • America's most famous groundhog emerged from his burrow early on Saturday and declared that winter will last another six weeks. US presidential candidate John McCain suggested it was also an indication that soldiers will have to stay in Iraq for another 100 years.

  • Germany rejected on Friday a call from the United States to send combat soldiers to dangerous parts of southern Afghanistan and said there were no plans to change its deployment in the less violent north. Germany rejected comparisons to northern Afghanistan being France and the Low Countries and southern Afghanistan being Russia in winter.

  • A mugger knocked down US Senator and former 2004 US Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry's sister and stole her purse in downtown Manhattan on Wednesday night. Senator Kerry said although his sister didn't get a good look suspicions are that the mugger is either from Ohio or Florida and supports George W Bush.

Friday, February 01, 2008

Friday, February 1 in the news.....

  • Democrat Barack Obama raised $32 million for his presidential primary campaign in January. Aiming to be the first black president, Obama was quick to dismiss the police arriving at his house to arrest him for the money haul.

  • President Bush's 2009 budget will virtually freeze most domestic programs and seek nearly $200 billion in savings from federal health care programs, a senior administration official said Thursday. Reportedly, the President reviewed the final budget of his administration and noted, "I spent too much the last 8 years, but you know, my advisors were wrong-headed, and Sesame Street was always silent on the issue."

  • At least 35 people were killed when a bomb hidden inside a box of birds exploded at a popular pet market in central Baghdad on Friday, police said. Suicide birder attacks have been on the rise in Iraq and commanders of the US military are unsure how to combat them, banning bird seed has done little.