Saturday, November 21, 2009

Tales From America: The Nate Chronicles... Chapter I

"But whereunto shall I liken this generation?" - Jesus, Matthew 11:16

After a night of drinking in the belly of the redneck beast, I slumbered to the games room and dropped off. Awaking, I had to get my bearings, where was I again? I went downstairs and was greeted by Eli and Dr. Who.

Eli displays the faces he pulls against the yankee carpet baggers at the playground.

It was NFL Sunday. Later on in the day I would be exposed to the next level of American sporting fanaticism. The Tennessee Titans were playing the New England Patriots in Massachusetts and I had front row seats in deep Tennessee territory. This was significant because New England represented everything this Scots/Irish South resented. It was gonna be ugly. And, meanwhile, Josh was still trying to recover from the night before and act like he wasn't embarrassed at all.

This is it!

Nate was geared up. He had the Titans hat and the Titans t-shirt on. He forced me to sit down on the couch and recline back, it was time for something he does before every game. Al Pacino's speech from Any Given Sunday. As I watched the speech Nate paced back and forth in the loungeroom. Nothing was said. Pacino was speaking. Nate's breathing could be heard. This was a man on the TV talking about climbing out of hell one inch at a time, fighting one's way back to the light. Nate looked like he wanted to smash something out of inspiration. All because of Pacino. Al f***ing Pacino. At his best. "That's what living is!"

So the game started. Al Pacino would have committed suicide by half-time.


"That's what living is!"

The second half unfolded, and this is what Pacino meant by not even standing one's face in the mirror. When you get old in life things get taken from you. Like Titans games! But you only learn that when you start losing stuff. Like Titans games!


It was full time on NFL Sunday in Tennessee! Nate had outgrown his Titans t-shirt, which found a better place outside the backyard in a crumpled heap.


Night had fallen on this NFL Sunday and it was time for me and Josh to depart from Nate's Dickson County. Josh had to drive me back to Nashville then he was heading to Franklin. We got into a political debate on the drive, which consisted of me saying staunch unapologetic American conservatives are awesome and let's bomb aggressive scary brown foreigners who think our culture is evil cause we have to at least uphold their angry vision of us by beating them senseless as they believe white people enjoy doing this to them anyhow! This was followed by Josh's vigorous defences from the limited government Ron Paul side, it was only a 45 minute ride but we could have gone on a lot longer.

Once we had arrived back at the hotel, it was time to say goodbye. Josh was the one who had told me to fly through Nashville before going home, so I did. But the weekend had finished and he had to go back to work for the rest of the week, I was leaving on Friday. We probably weren't gonna see each other again, despite what was said. It was like the Chuck Norris goodbye in Firewalker.

"Watch your back."

Friday, November 20, 2009

Coming soon.....

Tales from America: The Nate Chronicles.

Tales from America, Chapter II

We hit the malls.

Josh took me to the heart of consumerism in the West. I shopped. "Feeling so so strong best believe I want it all, it all!" A black kid said 'wassup', I looked away but Josh said 'what's up dude' back, he assured me that this was an aberration and that black kids in Franklin are too rich to be gangsta. My white self from Australia felt comforted because Kobe Bryant doesn't act like that and Josh is my guide of these black people in this foreign land.

WRONG TURN. They have stops where you drive in and stop. To eat!

After night fell. It was time for..... Nate. I didn't want to get out of the car at Nate's! I wanted to curl into a ball of butter!

How they greet me!

The problem with Tennesseans like Nate is that they think that white people are allowed to be assertive still, but that's played out! I did not once see him praise a person of colour who has immigrated to Anglo-controlled lands so I think that needs to be reported!

Tales from America, Chapter I

It was a bright Autumn day in October, and the clocks were striking thirteen. Well early afternoon American time then.

There it was, Cincinnati. I felt the glow of love. Actually, just sighted a bunch of suburbs out the window that looked so well ordered. Then there was the huge Wal-Mart we flew over, I knew this was Heartland America, because unions would kick Wal-Mart's arse if this was Los Angeles or New York City.

I hit the ground and there was the Chk-Fil-A, I wasn't hungry. I wasn't hungry! I still have regrets. I WASN'T HUNGRY. Oh man I need to forget not trying it.

So it took 38 minutes from Ohio to Tennessee. Delta got me there. Then I had to figure out if this Josh character was gonna show. He did. In a huge truck. It was like, "Hey there Aussie, I'm an American libertarian but I guzzle petrol like a Dick Cheney conservative motherfucker did you think I didn't?" So I got in that big arse truck and we rode.

We rode.

I got to my hotel, in downtown Nashville, it was like Elvis was still there cause this was old and I was a New Jack Swinger. But I stashed my luggage and then was like, let's eat, in America this is code for, let's eat. So me and my American Interpreter hit the foodspot and by that I mean Five Guys. If you called a restaurant Five Guys in Australia you'd be called a poofter, but in America it was some good burgers! I got my burger from a black guy with Snoop Dogg hair, I said "motherfucker you are a future diss track in a playa's song don't you know this?" but only in my head. Those were some good burgers!

After trying to jump in the driver's side of the truck, for the second time, I then went to a college pub. A college pub! And it had a perfect blondie in orange baseball cap serving drinks. Oh yeah where's Girls Gone Wild I know America! But here was the sticker about this so-called pub, they billed you at the end of the night! Man this place would be out of business after a few hours in Australia! After me and Josh had finished barracking for the New York Yankees on the big screen, we had to go up to pay our bill, like be honest and s**t! Man wouldn't work in Australia.

So we got rolling, it was gonna be a big Saturday with college football....

Saturday cruising, a house in Franklin.

Arriving at Josh's house it was typical American suburbia, except without Corey Feldman listening to heavy metal in the house next door greeting me. We did not waste any time breaching the Man Cave for college football! His old man called it the Man Cave, twas not me!

American beer and college football on a Saturday afternoon.

Josh's family were the typical American sort, sure materially well-off but it was the exceptionalism without admitting it. 'The door was always open' as his mum said, this you don't get in Australia without the 'if you want to get bashed c**t' on the end of it.