Sunday, January 24, 2010

Conversations Between America and Australia: An Expedition to Civilisation's Cultural Culmination through Westernism

Exhibit #27 - Don't let the world deceive you! Don't let them sell you a false Word!

The Apple Tablet can cure cancer

Sounds like it, I'll get one

Also, it makes pancakes and rainbows

Wow, I'll definitely get one.

Friday, January 01, 2010

Tales From America: The Nate Chronicles Part IV - The Shooting Excursion

Thursday had arrived, which meant much joy to Nate. It was shooting day.

Me, Julie, the boys, we were all ready to hop in the Escalade, but no. Nate was busy putting weapon after weapon into the back of it. At one point he loaded the shotgun in with sunglasses and grinned my way. He was the Redneck Terminator. I wasn't going to interfere with his happy, neither would Julie, who was like let him do what he has to do. So I let him do! He has all these freaking guns anyhow.

JAC was slow in rocking up, probably mechanic lameness again. When we were ready to roll, it was decided that I should roll with JAC in his pick-up truck. We stopped off at a gas station and it's here I got my first taste of Wendy's burgers. Nate tried to get me to go the biggest burger they have, but I ain't stuck on stupid! I got a double beef burger, can't remember what they call it, but I do recall once again that the chicks loved my accent and the burger totally filled me up. It was good. Eating and driving, JAC pointed to the pick-up truck next to us on the highway, it had a 'Secede' bumper sticker with the Rebel flag.

We found ourselves out in real country Tennessee for this shooting range in Julie's family's land. We went past Nathan Bedford Forrest State Park, a legend in the South. The Tennessee River was big, much bigger than the Murray River. And then we turned onto country roads to finally find Julie's family quarters. As we were following Nate and Julie's Escalade, JAC was taking in the country roads rather than just driving them. It was a corner of God's Country that almost killed us - JAC was off with the fairies and looking at some country when I was like 'hey hey hey, oi!' And with that me and JAC dodged DEATH. A logging truck was going around the corner. Very close. As JAC said even if we hit it at 30 mph it would have probably knocked us off. Nate called in the wake, wanted to laugh at our near misfortune. Nate hearts life.

We finally got there.

God's Country. Squeal piggy!

We hit the range, found a spot for blasting all the American guns Americans can blast.

"I go into the pick-up... I find love."

We put the target up, forgot the right size staples at Wal-Mart for stapling, that's because Nate is not as smart as his wife. We figured it out and put in a range. Handguns first.


I was alright. But it was when the rifles came out I showed my accuracy. I do indeed recall JAC calling me 'a bad motherfucker'. It was very true. I shot out all that shit! Handguns, Rifles, Shotguns, Semi-Automatic Machine Guns! Rednecks are insane! We even looked for deers at the end of the shoot. Deers weren't there. But you know what was there? A paint can set up for me. This was my test. Like an end of level baddie in Super Mario Bros. I had one arm to hit it, after 4 practice shots, I hit it. Right in the middle.

On one of these pictures I was curling nigger lips supposedly! JAC doesn't approve.

We got out of there on the Thursday. Mistakenly I let JAC speak to my mum on the mobile. But at least he didn't kill me on the way home. Phew. But the Friday was going to be tough. That was when I would have to say goodbye.

I stayed asleep till midday. Nate decided to c**t me out at midday. Came in spraying water blaming me for hacking his Facebook account, but it wasn't me! (It was Julie) It was at about 3 PM I had to go. JAC came by, as did his lame mechanic bum-buddy Welldigger, Julie and Nate were taking me to the airport, JAC was going off to be a homo, so I said good luck. Nate and Julie showed me a few more sights on the way to the airport. I saw the Tennessee Titans stadium, gotta go there next time (IF THEY DON'T LOSE), and then I got to my jump-off. Had to say goodbye to Nate and Julie.

After. My American adventure. I was thinking. You don't know beautiful people until you know the power of a personal relationship with Jesus.

Tales From America: The Nate Chronicles Part III - The Nate Family

Wednesday had arrived in Dickson County.

It was time to head over to Nate's parent's house.

BANK OF DICKSON. An American bank that hasn't failed yet. Take that Vox!

Nate had ordered a drive-thru fried lunch at a take-away, we arrived to the eating, including the sweet tea, they love their sweet tea up here. It was after this that I found myself in the midst of redneck car fixing. JAC and Welldigger tried to move the car at one point and almost killed each other pushing. I wasn't helping, I was dressed too good for these grease monkeys! So they had some ducks from the lake, that's where I could be productive! I fed the ducks.

I CAN'T FIX CARS. But the ducks appreciate me. (Apparently snapping turtles in the lake, they told me not to swim naked Aussie drunk, I'm still not sure to believe the story)

So JAC and Welldigger were talking smack to each other about whose fault was what, bitches.... After their loser momentum had died down, we were off to the Jack Daniel's distillery! We took off too late! They shut at 4 PM so the drive never happened. I missed my Tennessee whiskey experience THANKS TO JAC AND WELLDIGGER THE LAME MECHANICS. So we went back to Nate's and drank beers. With the boys! Nate and JAC! Not Welldigger who wallowed in his lameness!

We decided on a Mexican restaurant for the night meal. Julie was grateful to join us on what was to be a boys night out, but Julie didn't have to say thanks, she is a cool chick! I got to offload a couple of pisses in a Mexican joint's toilet, WE WANT TACOS!

I had something I can't even remember what it was, it was tasty as all get up, but I don't know what you call it, I can't even pronounce it if I had its name here!

Mexican Restaurant. JAC thought I had a purdy mouth.

We got back to Nate's and we had a few more drinks. JAC left (pussy) and me and Nate ripped it up. Until Nate decided to leave, which put me in the pole-position to drink beers and internet. It was like heaven!

Little did I know that this night would forbode my waking up on the Thursday to go shootin' out in country Tennesssee......

Tales From America: The Nate Chronicles Part II - Moving in with the Nate's

Monday dawned.

I had a good sleep at the Maxwell Millennium House in Nashville, located near the Country Music Hall of Fame. I hadn't seen this much Elvis Presley memorabilia in my life, in a hotel foyer at that. Was still taking some time to get used to the toilets up in North America, there's a lot of water, turds just float around, I think it's wrong but hey Americans want it that way. I got on the cellular and dialled Nate, he put the offer to me to stay at his place, I had already paid for my accommodation at the hotel, but I figured stuff it, can't catch the Southern culture in a hotel, gotta live with some Southerners! I asked if he could pick me up at the Opry Mills shopping center, cause I had some business to take care of..... He said that was cool, he'd bring the kids in the Escalade to pick me up (this was classic, a down the line redneck driving the black man's staple of transport).

I dialled a taxi to get to my biggest American Mall experience. Sure I had been to Canada's Eaton Centre, but this was the USA! The taxi driver, surprisingly, was a white guy, no Indian or Paki like in Adelaide, he had the whole Dudley Moore recovering drunk thing going on. I thanked him for the ride and turned to face the shopping mecca. It was awesome!

My first stop was the sports store, and it was here that I realised the USA seems to be developing another species of human, there were some big bastards in there, the white guy who served me was at least 6'8", yeah that big, with ears to match. I felt like an oompa loompa. I knew some of the black guys here were big, but I was surprised to see white dudes that matched them pound for pound.

After a fair bit of shopping, I got hungry, hit the food court, this is where yanks do it best. I was gonna play spot the fat people, but I was hungry. Decided on Burger King, they have a Fries Pod! We don't have a Fries Pod. I got the regular meal but the drink was larger than the large meal we have Down Under. As I ate I scoped for a crazy mall gunman but it looked like no crazies were gonna go at it today.

I had like 8 shopping bags, pretty much cleaned out the Nike Factory and Tommy Hilfiger, it was time to jet. Nate said he would meet me at the outdoor camping store at the big aquarium. Now here's a place that doesn't really just do outdoor camping... It had a goddamn military section, or as they call it, the Hunting section.

GUNS GUNS GUNS. "Hey sir do you want to buy a gun to put next to your guns?"

Nate showed the kids some handguns and tried to tell me about them but I was just tip-toeing around the rednecks and their camping outfitter full of guns. Besides, it was time to hit that Escalade and ride G! Getting into Dickson County, we had to stop off and get some beer. It's here I got my first look at the 40 ounce bottles! Colt 45! I wasn't allowed to take it back to the house, 40 ounce bottles and rednecks don't go together. Nate is such a party pooper!

Billy Dee Williams' drink of choice! It won't make you forget you've got a cold, you just won't give a shit anymore.

Nate directed me to my room for the week, it was the same bed Josh had previously passed out blind drunk on in the wake of Saturday night. At least he didn't throw up on it.

The following morning was my first big taste of Southern food. Cracker Barrel.

I had already started tucking in to this tucker before I took the photo.

Apparently they do breakfast 24 hours a day. Everything's fried! It's awesome! There were some military men decked out in the fatigues, Julie took the boys to say hello, they wound up coming over to the table and I got my chance to shake hands, told them my old man made a fair few American mates in Vietnam and thanked them for what they do, not just for America, but Australia too. The meal was huge and Nate and Elkan needed a nappy nap, so we dropped them off back home and then it was time for some more shopping! OMG!

Yours truly, Julie, Jeb, and Eli headed off into Amish territory for our first stop. The f***ing Amish! This was gonna be cool. I never saw any horse and carts, but I saw me some Amish chicks!


It was onto Clarksville from Amish Territory, a military town up in north Tennessee, near the border of Kentucky. As we were trying to find it, Julie's Tomtom navigation system sent us through a ghetto, there were a lot of black people hanging out chilling on the streets, but no one shot at us even though we were driving an Escalade. Clarksville was another great Mall experience, the kids had Chk-Fil-A, I once again wasn't hungry enough to buy a meal there, but I did try one of their nuggets, Chk-Fil-A rocks. From this mall it was onto another, specifically, Sam's Club, you need some sort of membership at Wal-Mart to enter there. Everything again was so cheap.

SHOP, AND THEN SHOP SOME MORE. Sam's Club can load up your car with groceries and leave your wallet largely untouched. America!

Halloween was upcoming so we shopped for Halloween candy and drinks. The kids were starting to get tired and wanted to go to Toys'R'Us, I probably showed that I wasn't entirely keen so the kids missed out as Julie played her smarts to perfection, that's why she's a doctor. Leaving Clarksville for the long ride home, it was obviously Starbucks time. They have a drive-thru like McDonald's! I got the iced latte, it was the greatest caffeine experience I've had yet. I topped off the night with Shiner Bock, Texan beer, it was needed, for tomorrow, I was to hang out with the whole Nate family gathered together....