Friday, January 01, 2010

Tales From America: The Nate Chronicles Part IV - The Shooting Excursion

Thursday had arrived, which meant much joy to Nate. It was shooting day.

Me, Julie, the boys, we were all ready to hop in the Escalade, but no. Nate was busy putting weapon after weapon into the back of it. At one point he loaded the shotgun in with sunglasses and grinned my way. He was the Redneck Terminator. I wasn't going to interfere with his happy, neither would Julie, who was like let him do what he has to do. So I let him do! He has all these freaking guns anyhow.

JAC was slow in rocking up, probably mechanic lameness again. When we were ready to roll, it was decided that I should roll with JAC in his pick-up truck. We stopped off at a gas station and it's here I got my first taste of Wendy's burgers. Nate tried to get me to go the biggest burger they have, but I ain't stuck on stupid! I got a double beef burger, can't remember what they call it, but I do recall once again that the chicks loved my accent and the burger totally filled me up. It was good. Eating and driving, JAC pointed to the pick-up truck next to us on the highway, it had a 'Secede' bumper sticker with the Rebel flag.

We found ourselves out in real country Tennessee for this shooting range in Julie's family's land. We went past Nathan Bedford Forrest State Park, a legend in the South. The Tennessee River was big, much bigger than the Murray River. And then we turned onto country roads to finally find Julie's family quarters. As we were following Nate and Julie's Escalade, JAC was taking in the country roads rather than just driving them. It was a corner of God's Country that almost killed us - JAC was off with the fairies and looking at some country when I was like 'hey hey hey, oi!' And with that me and JAC dodged DEATH. A logging truck was going around the corner. Very close. As JAC said even if we hit it at 30 mph it would have probably knocked us off. Nate called in the wake, wanted to laugh at our near misfortune. Nate hearts life.

We finally got there.

God's Country. Squeal piggy!

We hit the range, found a spot for blasting all the American guns Americans can blast.

"I go into the pick-up... I find love."

We put the target up, forgot the right size staples at Wal-Mart for stapling, that's because Nate is not as smart as his wife. We figured it out and put in a range. Handguns first.


I was alright. But it was when the rifles came out I showed my accuracy. I do indeed recall JAC calling me 'a bad motherfucker'. It was very true. I shot out all that shit! Handguns, Rifles, Shotguns, Semi-Automatic Machine Guns! Rednecks are insane! We even looked for deers at the end of the shoot. Deers weren't there. But you know what was there? A paint can set up for me. This was my test. Like an end of level baddie in Super Mario Bros. I had one arm to hit it, after 4 practice shots, I hit it. Right in the middle.

On one of these pictures I was curling nigger lips supposedly! JAC doesn't approve.

We got out of there on the Thursday. Mistakenly I let JAC speak to my mum on the mobile. But at least he didn't kill me on the way home. Phew. But the Friday was going to be tough. That was when I would have to say goodbye.

I stayed asleep till midday. Nate decided to c**t me out at midday. Came in spraying water blaming me for hacking his Facebook account, but it wasn't me! (It was Julie) It was at about 3 PM I had to go. JAC came by, as did his lame mechanic bum-buddy Welldigger, Julie and Nate were taking me to the airport, JAC was going off to be a homo, so I said good luck. Nate and Julie showed me a few more sights on the way to the airport. I saw the Tennessee Titans stadium, gotta go there next time (IF THEY DON'T LOSE), and then I got to my jump-off. Had to say goodbye to Nate and Julie.

After. My American adventure. I was thinking. You don't know beautiful people until you know the power of a personal relationship with Jesus.