Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Tuesday, July 31 News with Views....

  • 'I didn't read it'. President Bush intrigued by discussions with reporters about Harry Potter while Dick Cheney thinks over plans to invade and occupy Hogwarts.

  • 'Wasn't appreciated'. The picture on Israel's congratulatory card sent to Hamas after they took over the Gaza Strip from Fatah.

  • 'Motherfucker thought he could cross me'. A zebra proves that black and whites get Africans on the run in places other than South Central Los Angeles.

Tuesday, July 31 in the news.....

  • Al Gore's son pleaded guilty Monday to possessing marijuana and other drugs, but a judge said the plea could be withdrawn and the charges dropped if he successfully completes a drug diversion program. Al Gore's son tried to argue that he needs drugs as his father is Al Gore, but the judge said Bush's daughters have never been caught with drugs because of who their father is, they just drink a lot.

  • The billionaire chief executive of Russian oil major Russneft announced Monday that he was leaving the company and selling his stake following "unprecedented persecution" by the authorities. After Mikhail Gutseriyev's statement was printed in a local business daily, the holding company of a Kremlin-friendly billionaire confirmed it was seeking to finalize the acquisition of the oil company. President Putin brushed off the accusations of unfair treatment saying he is still alive.

  • Russia unveiled new charges on Monday against fugitive billionaire and Kremlin critic Boris Berezovsky, accusing him of embezzling more than 13 million dollars to rent a villa on the French Riviera. Berezovsky, a former Kremlin insider who has become a harsh critic of President Vladimir Putin, is wanted in Russia on various charges of fraud and currently lives in London. The billionaire has been granted political asylum in Britain, which has declined requests for his extradition to Russia. In several recent interviews, he has called for the overthrow of Putin's government. Berezovsky has denied he is a troublemaker or a corrupt businessman and that his views on the current Russian government are more those of a suicidal maniac.

  • With 33,000 millionaires, Ireland is the second-wealthiest country in a survey of eight of the largest OECD nations, according to a report Monday from the private banking arm of one of the country's biggest commercial banks. The figures place Ireland in second place, behind Japan, and ahead of Italy, Britain, France, the US, Germany and Canada. When told of the achievement, Ireland said it was another great reason to hit the drink.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Monday, July 30 in the news....

  • An Iraqi man has been abducted, bashed with a weapon and robbed while holidaying in Melbourne's north. He was released a short time later in the same street and staggered to the house where he is staying. He was all smiles and so was his family because the abductors didn't take his head.

  • In the US, athletic shoe and sportswear manufacturers Nike Inc. and Reebok said on Friday they were suspending sales of products endorsed by Michael Vick following accusations the National Football League star had sponsored a dog-fighting operation. Spokesmen for the companies said it wouldn't have happened if he sponsored their child labour operations instead.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Sunday, July 29 in the news.....

  • The best defence takes on the best attack in the tournament as Iraq and Saudi Arabia play off for the region's premier soccer crown in the Asian Cup final Sunday night. It is predicted that Iraq's hard fought efforts in defence against infiltrating Saudi attackers are likely to end in failure and cause in-fighting amongst Iraq's players.

  • Police closed streets near London's Canary Wharf financial district today after an unexploded German flying bomb from World War II was found on a construction site. Bomb disposal experts were called in to make the V1 missile safe after it was unearthed close to the east London complex that houses 80,000 office workers during the working week. 5 Germans in their 90s were arrested on suspicion of terror.

  • Insurgents dressed as women have killed at least three soldiers in an attack on an Iraqi army checkpoint west of the northern oil hub of Kirkuk today, security officials said. Progressives have used the strike as another need for reform of the Islamic dress code, as the Western oriented 'oh fuck you're fucking disgusting you ugly bitch' would have foiled such plans ahead of time.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Friday, July 27 News with Views.....

  • 'Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.' President Bush attempts to improve his poll ratings by catching up on Clinton's womanising.

  • 'Blessed hangover cure.' Pope Benedict XVI ponders the serenity at a lake near Belluno, Italy, after a heavy night with bishops on the Blood of Christ.

  • 'Unbelievable levels of pissing and moaning.' A bicyclist escapes his family's whinging and complaining in flooded England.

  • 'Consider me a low rent Michael Moore or Sacha Baron Cohen.' Cashing in on Anti-Americanism reaches new lows with actor Ed O'Neill.

Friday, July 27 in the news....

  • British teenagers are the worst behaved in Europe, a report released yesterday has said. They are more likely to binge drink, take drugs, have sex at a young age and start fights. And this was only a snapshot of them while attending soccer games.

  • Iraqis, brought together in a rare moment of unity by their soccer team's success in the Asian Cup, said defiantly on Thursday that bombs would not deter them from supporting their country in Sunday's final. The streets of Baghdad and cities across Iraq erupted into spontaneous displays of joy as fans with Iraqi flags draped over their shoulders danced in the streets. Sheep were slaughtered and vendors at ice cream and juice shops gave away free treats. The foreign minister of New Zealand denounced the slaughter and questioned the viability of any democracy.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Thursday, July 26 News With Views.....

  • Eager fans line up for new Harry Potter book in Gaza.

  • Special US envoy to the Middle East threatens Iran with further sanctions.

  • Bill Gates unveils the old items that clutter his back shed.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

NBA Edition
Wednesday, July 25 in the news....

  • NBA Commissioner David Stern said on Tuesday an FBI probe learned that referee Tim Donaghy was a "rogue, isolated criminal" who bet on games and that it appeared no other league employees were involved. The referee has already resigned his position. Michael Jordan said it was unfortunate these events unfolded, because when he gambled on games he only had to retire for a year or so as punishment.

  • David Stern said, "This is something that is the worst that could happen to a professional sports league." It is still uncertain how many games the referee may have been able to fix. In the meantime, to stay in LA Kobe Bryant has asked for the referee to be traded to the Los Angeles Lakers.

  • Donaghy was an NBA referee for 13 years, and Stern said he was rated in the top tier of officials. But this wasn't the first time he was in trouble with the league. In January 2005, Stern said, the NBA investigated a dispute between Donaghy and a West Chester, Pa., neighbor. The neighbors, Pete and Lisa Mansueto, sued Donaghy for harassment and invasion of privacy, and accused him of vandalizing their property and stalking Lisa Mansueto. Donaghy said it was all a misunderstanding, as this was part of his initiation to join Allen Iverson's street gang.

  • Mo Williams, a stand out 2006 point guard, signed a six-year, $51.5 million contract to remain with the Milwaukee Bucks. He will stay there with Michael Redd in the backcourt, and continue to help build the team around the Aussie centre and 2005 #1 draft pick, Andrew Bogut. Williams said he was happy with the deal, and now wants to move on and see how many 'W' games it can buy his team with the refs in the regular season.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Monday, July 23 in the news....

  • Iran is to launch a new crackdown today on slack dressing that targets both men and women whose clothing and haircuts are deemed to be unIslamic, police said. "The police will act against those whose trousers are too short, have skin-tight coats, shirts with Western logos and Western hairstyles," said Ahmad Reza Radan, the head of Tehran's police force. "And anyone sporting a Donald Trump haircut will face execution".

  • Australian police denied newspaper reports on Sunday they were investigating whether an Indian doctor detained on terror charges may have been plotting to blow up a high-rise building on the Gold Coast. Lawyers for Mohamed Haneef earlier criticised the reports which said police were studying photographs of the landmark building and its foundations seized in a raid on their client's home in Queensland three weeks ago. The lawyers said that any photographs of the building was simply about house hunting for his extended family.

  • In the US, the nation's largest Hispanic advocacy group says it must come up with a strategy to combat what it calls 'a wave of hate' its leaders say came from talk radio's efforts to sink the Senate's bill that would have granted 12 million illegal immigrants virtual amnesty in the USA. Supposedly, the group's strategy is to formulate into gangs that can oppose it, with tattoos that advertise it, and convoys of low riders that can get the message out.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Sunday, July 22 in the news....

  • Burj Dubai, a tower under construction in the United Arab Emirates' trade hub, became the tallest building in the world on Saturday, measuring 512.1 meters (1,680 ft), its developer said. Local Arabs were awaiting the most exciting part, knocking it down.

  • The seventh and final Harry Potter book flew off the shelves on Saturday as fans the world over snapped up copies to discover the fate of the boy wizard. When local British fans of Harry were asked what they thought his fate would be, they said it probably wouldn't be known until he's finished his tour of duty in Afghanistan.

  • President George W. Bush said on Saturday he was troubled by a U.S. intelligence report that al Qaeda has become entrenched in a safe haven in Pakistan's tribal region near Afghanistan. Apparently a whole district has flashing al Qaeda neon signs at night and bustling streets lined with roadside billboards of Bin Laden and Zawahiri by day.

  • Violent thunderstorms have driven seven distressed kangaroos to death at a Mexican zoo. The deaths have zookeepers wondering if the marsupials should remain, with the habitat appearing to have contributed to the deaths. The kangaroos are a popular exhibit with local drug cartels.

  • During a Friday book signing in Washington, D.C., one of former Vice President Gore's daughters said that her father was not going to make a 2008 White House run. Meanwhile, Al Gore's son said he'd run for President, but his claims were dismissed because he was high on drugs.

  • Three people were killed and around 50 others wounded in Baghdad on Saturday when soccer-loving Iraqis fired weapons into the air to celebrate their team's quarter-final victory over Vietnam in the Asian Cup. President Bush promised more troops to quell the violence.

  • German authorities believe Al Qaeda is targeting Germany for possible attacks and that German Islamists have been traveling to Pakistan for "terrorist training", a top security official told a newspaper. The signs are worrying as German Islamists are notably more efficient and effective than their other European Islamist brethren.

  • India elected its first female president on Saturday, early results showed, in what supporters called a groundbreaking progressive move for the country. It is being ranked next to embracing a sixteen-armed elephant as a god.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Saturday, July 21 in the news....

  • US President George W. Bush will undergo a "routine colonoscopy" at the Camp David retreat on Saturday, temporarily ceding his powers to Vice President Dick Cheney, the White House said Friday. Cheney raised his hand and promised not to wipe out Muslims and promote Halliburton employees as a new Middle Eastern race of people.

  • The FBI is investigating an NBA referee who allegedly was betting on basketball games - including ones he was officiating during the past two seasons - as part of an organized-crime probe in the Big Apple, The Post has learned. It's uncertain if he was betting on the New York Knicks to lose, but if so, no charges will be laid regardless of how much money he won.

Friday, July 20, 2007

More Friday, July 20 in the news.....

  • A 45-member delegation of Pakistani tribal elders began talks with militant leaders near the Afghan border Friday in a bid to stem the spiraling violence that erupted after Islamic extremists scrapped a peace deal. One elder kept the mood light at the beginning of the meeting, noting: "Whooo! Lot of beards up in here!"

  • In the US, a contract employee at a nuclear material cleanup site pleaded not guilty Thursday to charges that he stole classified equipment used in enriching uranium and sold it to an undercover FBI agent posing as an official for the French government. It was a very convincing performance by the FBI agent, right down to the wording of his sentences, such as: "So did you get me the plans you stupid American cowboy?"

Friday, July 20 in the news....

  • It's going to be a 'hot' summer in the Middle East, said Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad following a surprise meeting with Hizbullah leader Sheikh Hassan Nasrallah in Damascus on Thursday evening. Al Gore praised the Iranian President for his awareness of the global warming problem.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Thursday, July 19 in the news....

  • A hitman sent to Britain to kill exiled Russian tycoon Boris Berezovsky was arrested by British security services as he planned the murder and then deported, it was confirmed tonight. The gunman was spotted as he entered the country through Heathrow airport and placed on 24-hour surveillance after intelligence was received about the plot to kill Berezovsky at the Hilton Hotel on London’s Park Lane. "I guess I'll go back to working in construction," the deported Russian said.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Wednesday, July 18 in the news.....

  • Thousands of offspring of Nazi Holocaust survivors in Israel are seeking reparations from Germany to pay for psychiatric treatment they say they require as a result of trauma suffered by their parents. In response to the lawsuit, thousands of offspring of Nazi voters would like to put these descendants of survivors where they failed to put their parents.

  • A train carrying yellow phosphorus derailed in western Ukraine, releasing a cloud of toxic gas into the air over 14 villages. Ukraine's Deputy Prime Minister Oleksandr Kuzmuk, who was at the site, compared the accident to the explosion at the Chernobyl nuclear reactor in 1986. The foreign minister tried to put a positive spin on the incident, reminding tourists that a toxic gas is better for your health than cancer from radioactive contamination.

  • In Japan, a nuclear power plant near the epicenter of a powerful earthquake suffered a barrage of problems, including spilled waste drums, leaked radioactive water, fires and burst pipes, the reactor's operator said Tuesday. Emergency procedures were put into action, the plans having been designed around such natural disaster scenarios, or the appearance of Godzilla.

  • In the United States, the latest Associated Press-Ipsos poll found that nearly a quarter of Republicans are unwilling to back top-tier hopefuls Rudy Giuliani, Fred Thompson, John McCain or Mitt Romney, and no one candidate has emerged as the clear front-runner among Christian evangelicals. What's more, when one disillusioned Republican voter was questioned about which Republican could go shoulder to shoulder with the Clinton's in 2008 and beat them at their own games, the voter said Ted Bundy should never have been given the electric chair.

  • Russia on Tuesday vowed a 'targeted and appropriate' response to Britain's expulsion of four diplomats in a mounting confrontation over the probe into the radiation poisoning death of a former KGB officer in London. "We're not satisfied with getting away with a civilian murder in the UK," a Russian government spokesman said.

  • In Sydney, residents of Australia's largest city are being urged to create survival bags to prepare for terrorist attacks and other emergencies under a campaign launched by city council Tuesday. The "Go Bags," featured in the new terrorism awareness campaign, would include such things as maps, a radio, a first aid kit, an extra set of keys, some spare change and important documents. Residents are already complaining they're too heavy once you account for the carton of Tooheys.

  • A 500-pound man has been rescued after 12 hours in a river in Wisconsin, USA. According to the Sheriff's Office, a group had gone tubing on the river when Martin Rike's tube went flat, after attempting to get out of the water and walk back, Rike, 39, began having chest pains. He had also slipped on irregular rocks, injuring an ankle and a knee. When crews attempted to rescue Rike by boat they realised how fat he was, prompting exasperated out of breath comments ahoy, such as: "It'd be easier rescuing the river and leaving you here." And: "Gee I wonder why the tube went flat." Also: "Hold on rocks! We'll get this fat bastard off you." Plus: "You want us to order pizza? This will take awhile tubby." And the crowd favourite: "Keep him wet with buckets of water, we're going to have to find a way to push him back out to sea eventually."

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Tuesday, July 17 in the news....

  • One in 12 full-time workers in the United States acknowledges having used illegal drugs in the past month, the government reports. The latest study comes from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Administration, an agency within the Health and Human Services Department. In related news, Al Gore has said his son has been keeping out of trouble by volunteering to do surveys.

  • America's first Muslim congressman has provoked outrage by apparently comparing President George W Bush to Adolf Hitler and hinting that he might have been responsible for the September 11 attacks. Meanwhile, he compared Muslims to delicate daffodils trying to remain upright amidst a harsh wind that is attempting to be ruinous of another sunny day blessed with their beauty.

  • Britain said on Monday it was expelling four Russian diplomats over Moscow's refusal to extradite the main suspect in the murder of Alexander Litvinenko. "This is a situation the government has not sought and does not welcome. But we have no choice but to address it," British foreign minister David Miliband said in a speech to parliament. The four can return only if the main Russian suspect is brought to trial in the UK or if the four decide to purchase an English Premier League team.

  • U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has canceled a trip to Ghana this week so that she can stay in Washington for discussions on the Middle East. Ghana was upset as it had gone all out to welcome the U.S. Secretary, which included locating food.

  • Canadian troops drove Taliban insurgents into an Afghan army ambush on Saturday and then called in air strikes to hit the fleeing militants. The troops then ruined their military mojo for the day by draping themselves in maple leaf flags while walking back to base camp.

  • A 14-year-old would-be suicide bomber from Pakistan, caught while on a mission to blow up an Afghan provincial governor, was pardoned on Sunday by Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai. "This is what happens," Karzai spoke as the boy and his father bowed their heads, "when there are not enough Playstation's and soccer balls in this world".

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Sunday, July 15 in the news....

  • Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki said Saturday that the Iraqi army and police are capable of keeping security in the country when American troops leave "any time they want." He denied Saddam's former Iraqi Information Minister was his advisor on what to say to the media now.

  • Muslim protesters have vented their fury at Pakistan President Pervez Musharraf, burning his effigy and an 'Uncle Sam' puppet and vowing to avenge this week's deadly Red Mosque raid. Subsequently, the Muslim Rage Alert Level moved to normal in the country.

  • President Bush took his critics to task Saturday for using the poor marks the Iraqi government received on a progress report this week as reason to argue that the war is lost. Bush said he got poor marks all through school and he still made it.

  • A man went on a rampage with a stolen armored personnel carrier through suburban Sydney on Saturday, crashing into several mobile phone towers, telecommunications buildings and an electricity substation before being arrested. The man led officers on a 90-minute chase across six western suburbs before the vehicle stalled as it was being driven toward another mobile phone tower, New South Wales police said in a statement. The top speed of the vehicle was 52 km/hr, which meant it traveled at up to 5 times the speed of normal Sydney traffic.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Saturday, July 14 in the news....

  • The U.S. Senate on Friday voted to double the bounty on Osama bin Laden to $50 million. In related news, the U.S. tabloid industry doubled the bounty on a picture of Angelina Jolie nude to $5 million.

Friday, July 13, 2007

Friday, July 13 in the news....

  • An American Airlines flight from Los Angeles to London was diverted to New York's JFK airport early today after the flight crew reported a suspicious passenger, the US Transportation Security Administration said. The suspicious passenger turned out to be Al Gore's son high on drugs.

  • A movie about a man-eating crocodile preying on tourists in the Northern Territory is like a $30 million advertisement for the Top End, says the film's director Greg Mclean. "Paul Hogan may have done a lot in the 80s for tourism but I think it's much better when the crocodile wins," he said, "I intend to improve tourism to Waziristan next with my movie about a Westerner-hunting Islamist".

Thursday, July 12, 2007

More Thursday, July 12 in the news,,,,

  • During a hearing on global security threats in the US Congress, an Intelligence official said Pakistani tribal leaders 'are the people who are protecting bin Laden.' And that 'the rewards out for him have been there for a long period of time, and economic motivation is not a principal driver of how they behave in that region'. He said they were similar to the Amish except they like technology as long as it kills the enemies of their way of life.

  • Two 16-year-old British girls have been arrested in Ghana allegedly carrying £300,000 ($704,000) worth of cocaine, British customs officials said. They argued it was for their birthday party they were celebrating together, the cocaine being the payment Paris Hilton demanded to appear.

Thursday, July 12 in the news....

  • A squid as long as a bus and weighing 550 pounds washed up on an Australian beach on Wednesday. The dead squid, measuring 3 feet across at its widest point and 26 feet from the tip of its body to the end of its tentacles, was found by a beachcomber at Ocean Beach on the island state of Tasmania's west coast. Beachcomber in Tasmania is the technical term for wandering drunk.

  • U.S. counterterror officials are warning of an increased risk of an attack this summer, fears given momentum by al-Qaida's apparent interest in summertime strikes. Guys with snorkels and shark fins on their heads agreed that it was a great time to promote fear.

  • Fast, powerful cars within a few years may be outlawed in Europe, an idea that has been raised ostensibly because Ferraris and Porsches emit too much CO2 and therefore contribute to global warming. Ferrari and Porsche owners disagreed, saying their cars emit sex appeal and contribute to bagging hot chicks.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Tuesday, July 10 in the news....

  • Reports that Turkey has massed a huge military force on its border with Iraq bolstered fears that an invasion targeting hideouts of Kurdish rebels could be imminent. When a reporter attempted to get answers from President Bush about Turkey's plans, Bush waved away the question commenting, "I talk to him a lot and he will be pardoned but sorry, I won't further discuss his or my Thanksgiving's plans this early".

  • Yesterday marked the launch of the first Paris Tourist Day, when residents of the French capital are encouraged to be polite, welcoming and helpful for 24 hours. Foreigners visiting the city categorised the campaign as a French war declared against them, because they failed.

  • A panel of scientists convened by America's leading scientific advisory group says the hunt for extraterrestrial life should be greatly expanded to include what they call "weird life": organisms that lack DNA or other molecules found in life as we know it. One reporter asked the question: "So how long have we got until moon rocks try to take over the planet?"

  • Hawkeye looks like it is here to stay at Wimbledon despite champion Roger Federer's rage against the ball-tracking machine during Sunday's final against Rafael Nadal. Apparently Federer's frustration stems from the machine being the only opponent he can't seem to beat.

  • The Great Wall's leap to the top of the new seven wonders of the world list has restored China's sense of national pride and eased frazzled nerves, state media has reported. The stress and self esteem issues came from their other nomination being the Chinese penis.

  • President Bush is not contemplating withdrawing forces from Iraq now despite an erosion of support among Republicans for his war policy, the White House said Monday. In related news, former President Bill Clinton on the campaign trail for Hillary sidestepped questions relating to successful withdrawals in his administration.

Monday, July 09, 2007

Monday, July 9 in the news....

  • Faced with record beer queues, fans at Saturday's Live Earth concert at Sydney's Aussie Stadium were seen offering others $50 for their beer rather than wait an hour to buy refreshments. It was "unAustralian", one spectator protested. "This is what happens when you let hippies organise a big event," another said. "Al Gore's son just sold me some of the most expensive drugs ever," yet another said.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Sunday, July 8 in the news....

  • A French official has suggested Bush was behind September 11. President Bush's spokesman said the only thing Bush has been behind is his classmates.

  • Australia's defence minister has said that oil is one of his country's motivations for keeping its troops in Iraq. This has caused an uproar among anti-war protestors who accused the US/British/Australia coalition of going in for that reason. The defence minister didn't know what all the fuss was about, noting how his other observations in the national interest are pretty straight forward, such as Afghanistan being a drain on costs because it has troublesome logistical complexities and is more useless than an African country when you combine that with anarchy, corruption and lack of resources, but because of its geostrategic positioning in regards to other hostile enemies it remains important to the West, and onto Africa, that if Sudan was like oil rich Nigeria then the northern Arab Muslims of the country would be stopped from slaughtering the southern Black Africans because it wouldn't be throwing Western tax money down the drain fighting Arab-funded Muslim militias, then onto authoritarian China, highlighting how important it is to negate their pursuit of more power over the region and the world by surrounding them with closer military ties to Japan and India, and using Muslim terrorism in Central Asia as the foundation for a global missile defence and American bases there in order to prepare for the future conquering of the fascist/communist power brokers in mainland East Asia.

  • An 11-year-old girl was charged with drunken driving after leading police on a chase at speeds of up to 100 mph that ended when she flipped the car in an Alabama beach town. The 11 year old said she didn't want to get caught like her idol Paris Hilton.

  • Heavy gunfire and explosions rocked Islamabad early on Saturday as Islamist students holed up in a mosque battled Pakistani security forces after the militants' leader said he would accept "martyrdom" before surrender. Across the city, another group of students were doing the same thing on behalf of the Urban Planning degree.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Saturday, July 7 in the news....

  • Two suspects in the failed car bombings in Britain made inquiries about working in the United States, the FBI said Friday. But the doctors were discouraged because that night the information phone service was manned by Michael Moore and they got sick of hearing about how the Bush/Cheney administration and their corporatist buddies may ruin their health care experiences there.

  • French soccer legend Zinedine Zidane kicked a ball around with the Indonesian president on the lawns of the presidential palace in Jakarta today, cheered on by hundreds of enthusiastic officials and other fans. Zidane, in Indonesia to hold coaching clinics for children and to open a factory operated by French food giant Danone, presented a French national team jersey with his trademark number 10 to President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono. Getting caught up in the Zidane excitement, instead of autographs some fans asked the superstar to knock them on their arse with a good headbutt to the chest.

  • Military prosecutors have appealed a decision to dismiss charges against a Canadian man held at the Guantanamo Bay prison camp on Cuba, the Pentagon said on Friday. The judge said they'd have a hard task selling anyone on the dangers of a Canadian man of war.

Friday, July 06, 2007

Friday, July 6 in the news.....

  • Irish coast guards and the navy rescued over 100 children on Thursday after a sudden squall swept them out to sea during a regatta close to Dublin. "Suddenly the wind blew up and visibility dropped and we had to get the kids out," said Paula O'Connor, an administrator with the Royal St George Yacht Club. "But the kids are now safe and well and off the water while the coast guards and navy are back on the drink."

  • In a battle between two top-selling female acts, Miley Cyrus triumphed over Kelly Clarkson to score the No. 1 position on the U.S. pop album charts Wednesday. Miley is the daughter of Billy Ray Cyrus, who was understandably proud of his daughter, but noted how the pursuit of chart dominance she went through could not compare to his 1992 battles with Sir-Mix-A-Lot.

  • Texas billionaire Allen Stanford has given West Indies cricket US$100 million over three years in what he described on Wednesday as a bid to bring the game into the 21st century and hopefully bring about a return to the golden era of West Indies cricket. The glory years for the West Indies team were between 1980 and 1985 when they were undefeated in a test series - the undefeated tag in the modern era now going to the Aussies. As with their previously assumed ways of finding talent, Cricket Australia said it was a heck of a lot of money to go spending just to shake palm trees around the islands waiting for the next lot of fast bowlers to fall out.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Thursday, July 5 in the news.....

  • The 24-year-old son of former vice-president Al Gore was arrested for drug possession yesterday after he was stopped for allegedly speeding in his environmentally-friendly hybrid Toyota Prius along an LA freeway, a sheriff's official said. After he identified himself, the police officer charged Al Gore III for drug use, then inspected the car and discovered the drugs.

  • British police were holding eight people on Tuesday, at least four of them foreign doctors, over a suspected al Qaeda plot against Britain that triggered a manhunt reaching as far as Australia. One of the men was captured Down Under after British authorities realised their next big operation was going to target 'better weather and hotter chicks'.

  • Afghanistan's government has taken the first step towards a ban on smoking in public places. The council of ministers had ordered a campaign through the media and mosques and is expected to widen it beyond outdoor areas. A lawyer for one prominent Afghan condemned the expansion of government powers, decrying how property rights are gradually being taken away from all law abiding cave owners.

  • Nearly one in three Americans abuse or become dependent on alcohol over the course of their lives, and most never seek treatment, according to a study published on Monday. In related news, Foster's iconic Australian beer, VB, has been reduced in alcoholic strength from 4.9% to 4.8% in a plan to save up to $20 million in tax. Bitter Aussies yesterday labelled Fosters' tax-saving move un-Australian and a betrayal of loyalty. When told of the American survey one pub dweller said, "What an outrage, bloody yanks on the march, and we're slipping, what is this world coming to?"

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

More Wednesday, July 4 in the news....

  • Three men said to be linked to al Qaeda, including one using an Arabic name meaning 'Terrorist 007', have pleaded guilty to inciting terrorism over the Internet in the first case of its kind in Britain, police said on Wednesday. Authorities said the handles of the other two men were 'Benny Hill Bomber' and 'The Islamic Goodies'.

Wednesday, July 4 in the news....

  • Microsoft founder Bill Gates looks to have lost his title as the world's richest man, toppled from top spot by the Mexican telecoms tycoon Carlos Slim. Gates and third placed Warren Buffett congratulated Slim as he mowed their lawns.

  • The decision to cancel the jail term of I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby by President Bush was made largely alone, the Washington Post reported. Which meant it was just the President and his set of Transformers.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

More Tuesday, July 3 in the news....

  • US President George W. Bush today spared Lewis "Scooter" Libby, formerly chief of staff to Vice-President Dick Cheney, from serving a 30-month prison sentence imposed on him for obstructing an inquiry into the leaking of the name of a covert CIA agent in 2003 to a journalist. President Bush emphasised that he was not pardoning the man and later on aides said Bush even suggested other ways of deterring him from doing such things again, such as building a wall around the White House and Capitol Hill, or as Bush called it 'to keep Scooters out as we grant amnesty to the Scooters already here'.

Tuesday, July 3 in the news....

  • In Yemen, a suicide car bomber blew himself up Monday at the site of an ancient temple popular with tourists, killing eight people and wounding seven, police said. Most of the tourists were from Spain, and this means they won't be able to finish their 'Out Of Your Western Fucking Minds' holiday tour of Yemen, Egypt, Afghanistan and Pakistan.

  • A.Q. Khan, the scientist who became a national hero for developing Pakistan's atomic bomb and went on to sell nuclear secrets abroad, can leave house arrest to meet with friends and relatives, officials said Monday. Unfortunately he was immediately put back under house arrest after giving a loaded handgun to a 5 year old boy.

  • The attempted London car bombings were meant to be detonated by calls to mobile phones in the two vehicles, but failed for technical reasons, the Evening Standard reported today. In related news, men in beards have been camping out to be first in line for the British launch of the iPhone.

Monday, July 02, 2007

Monday, July 2 in the news....

  • British police arrested a fifth person on Sunday after a fuel-filled jeep was rammed into Scotland's busiest airport in what police said was a terrorist attack linked to failed car bombings in London. The Scottish incident was also infamous for producing a panic in which many men in dresses were seen running from the scene with women in pants.

  • A witness to the Glasgow attack said on BBC television that one of the car's occupants had been ablaze from head to foot, and as he struggled with the police, "was throwing punches and shouting 'Allah, Allah.'" The witness said he would have phoned in votes for the guy if the on-fire while scuffling with police routine appeared on 'Britain's Got Talent'.

  • 3 men have died in a fast-moving Utah wildfire. The 30 spouses have been informed of their passing.

  • Companies in the US have increased testing of Chinese goods. This comes on the back of poisons being found in food and toothpaste goods from China, and because the labels stating 'Your Life Sold Separately' started to raise suspicions.

  • A suspicious package has forced evacuations at the John F. Kennedy International Airport in New York. Coincidentally, officials said the package originated in Dallas.