Friday, December 29, 2006

December 29 in the news......

  • There is alarm in the US as an increasing amount of toddlers battle the bulge. There will be even more alarm when a TV show featuring The Wiggles loses in the ratings to The Biggest Loser Toddler.

  • Mike Tyson was arrested for driving under the influence and possession of cocaine after police stopped him leaving a Scottsdale nightclub early today. The police will receive an award for bravery in the coming days.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

December 28 in the news.....

  • Former US President Gerald Ford died Tuesday at 93. He is now performing as a back up dancer while James Brown sings Living in America in the line up at the Pearly Gates.

  • The Times Square crowd in New York on New Year's Eve will be wearing 3D glasses for the occasion as effects are used this time around. It is being talked about in positive terms for the party even if New Yorkers are sensitive to things that look to be coming right at them.

  • Somali Islamists have abandoned Mogadishu as Ethiopian troops advanced towards the Somalian capital. The Islamists had repeatedly vowed to fight to the death for their religion and their land, making their disappearance that much more unexpected. Ethiopia has now offered to open a can of starving african whoop ass on Iraq if the US 'can't handle their shit'.

  • More than 100,000 litres of raw sewage has spilled into an Adelaide river. This greatly assisted in increasing the urban water supplies.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

December 26 in the news.....

  • An overwhelming majority of Australians would be prepared to drink recycled sewage to help ease a national crisis in urban water supplies that has forced escalating restrictions on water use. Flavoured cordials are expected to take off if this happens, with Orange & Mango & Shit expected to be a big hit.

  • James Brown the Godfather of Soul died at 73 on Christmas Day. The hardest working man in showbusiness is now none other than Frank Stallone.

  • The South Korean government is handing out gifts for office workers who promise not to visit brothels this holiday season. The ministry is offering movie tickets based on the number of employees who pledge not to visit prostitutes as well as a cash prize of 1 million won ($1,077) for the company which enlists the most employees in the campaign. When asked for comment one South Korean office worker said "movies or drunken sex? It's going to be a tough choice this year."

  • Ethiopia attacked retreating fighters from the air on Tuesday and threatened to seize their stronghold Mogadishu after a week of war in the Horn of Africa. Ethiopia is dedicating its victory to starving Africans everywhere.

  • Shane Warne proved again there's no better show-stopper in cricket by turning a milestone into another bag of wickets at a packed MCG. Warne became the first man in history to take 700 wickets, when he bowled England opener Andrew Strauss, who was the first victim in a haul of 5-39. This still leaves him 300 short though, of how many women he's slept with while he was married.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

December 23 in the news.....

  • Simon Cowell became the highest paid British TV star of all time. Second place remains Bill Oddie. A distant third remains the other Goodies.

  • More than 30 motorists were caught drink driving during a major crackdown on Melbourne roads last night. There were eight re-offending drivers, eight female drivers and 24 male drivers over the legal limit. The eight re-offenders listened to their mates about short cuts that 'avoided the breathos mate'.

  • Macy's has pulled from its shelves and its Web site two styles of CEO and rapper Diddy's Sean John hooded jackets, originally advertised as featuring faux fur, after an investigation by the nation's largest animal protection organization concluded that the garments were actually made from a certain species of dog called "raccoon dog." Coincidentally, raccoon dogs are renowned for their cotton picking.

  • Speaker-to-be Nancy Pelosi cited the need to preserve the ''dignity and decorum'' of the House as she rejected a request Friday that C-SPAN operate its own cameras in covering the chamber. When pressed further, Pelosi said they always have a habit of filming from an angle and therefore the risk is apparent of them covering her 'bad side'.

  • Somali Islamists said today they have captured a frontline position from Ethiopian-backed government forces, as a fourth day of bloody battles raged in the lawless nation's southern region. Both sides continue to pose for Western aid commericals with flies all around their exposed ribs.

  • North Korea's official media today placed the blame for an impasse in talks aimed at ending Pyongyang's nuclear weapons program squarely at the feet of the United States. North Korea's official media also blamed them for no casinos to gamble in and the non-existent karaoke scene.

  • The Queen's televised Christmas message is being offered as a podcast for the first time. This excited teenagers all over Britain.

  • Russia has doubled its price of gas to Georgia, in an apparent retaliation for Georgia striving to become more pro-EU. The Russian President, Vladimir Putin, commented on the move saying "it's in line with market prices.... for cunts who do not fear us as much anymore."

Thursday, December 21, 2006

December 21 in the news....

  • A baby was sent through an X-Ray machine at LA International Airport by a woman going through security. The incident sparked concerns that terrorists could smuggle babies onto airplanes.

  • A German school bus driver could face jail time for giving the stiff-armed Hitler salute to pupils as they boarded each day. Germany's Basic Law bans the use of Nazi symbols, punishable by up to three years in prison. Children wanted for support of this bus driver are rumoured to have escaped through ratlines to South America, particularly Argentina.

  • An overweight passenger has sued Air France after being told he was too fat and forced to buy a second seat to accommodate him on a flight. Jean-Jacques Jauffret, a French scriptwriter, said he had felt humiliated by Air France staff who had measured his waist in public at New Delhi airport in 2005 and decided he was too big for a single seat. When asked in court why he had lost his battle with the weight so badly, there was a moment of silence from the Frenchman, then everyone laughed with him.

  • Al-Qaeda's second in command Ayman al-Zawahri said in a video tape aired today that Palestinian elections would not free Palestinian land and would deal a blow to holy war against Israeli occupation. "Retreating in the face of the West will not satisfy it, no matter how adept we are at manoeuvring and negotiations," Egyptian militant leader Zawahri said, "any path other than jihad will only lead us to loss and defeat". He then added "And may I wish all infidels a Merry Christmas, a Happy New Year and a swift beheading by the Sword of Allah."

  • Russia on Wednesday denounced as "exceedingly cruel" the death sentences passed by a Libyan court on six foreign medics convicted of deliberately infecting hundreds of Libyan children with the virus that causes AIDS. A spokesman clarified: "I mean it's not like they were actively working to expose President Putin's activities."

  • US rocker Pink has been slammed by farmers and politicians for trashing Australian wool and our treatment of sheep. Treasurer Peter Costello questioned how much Pink knew about sheep after she accused Australian wool growers of cruelty over the practice of mulesing. New Zealand, though, has leapt to her defence claiming sheep are for 'loving and companionship not capitalist profit'.

  • The UK government’s chief scientist has sponsored a report that details how robots will have rights in the future, similar to humans. In response to this the Iranian government's chief scientist mocked 'Secular Western Robots' and noted that Islamic robots will have martyrdom rights as their highest principle.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

December 16 in the news....

  • Hamas has accused Fatah strongman Mohammad Dahlan of trying to assassinate Palestinian Prime Minister Ismail Haniyeh after an attack on the premier's convoy. When reached for comment Dahlan said "Hey what happened to blaming the Jews?"

  • A 65-year-old Quebec man who received a new long-term mechanical heart last month is being described as the only living Canadian without a pulse. This matches the only living US citizen without a pulse, Democratic Senator John Kerry.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

December 14 in the news.....

  • Rwandan survivors of the African country's 1994 genocide have labelled the French troops whose bases they sought refuge in rapists. France has flatly denied the allegation commenting that they are 'surrendering fighters not victorious rapists'.

  • In Iran, Foreign Ministry spokesman Mohammad-Ali Hosseini said Tuesday that the confession of the Zionist regime's prime minister that Israel has nuclear military potential reveals the vicious goals and plots of the Zionist regime to materialise the strategy of terror and continued occupation of the regional territories. He added that this will end once Iran figures out how to do the same thing, saying the country will continue repeating the last year of high school if it fails on its current atttempt.

  • The embattled Afghan president Hamid Karzai warned yesterday that his country's enemies "will burn in hell with us" if Nato fails to stem a tide of Taliban violence emanating from neighbouring Pakistan. It was strikingly strong language and Karzai didn't sound very Christmassy.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

December 12 in the news.....

  • John Howard today defended his plan for a new citizenship test for migrants, saying it is not a step towards reintroducing a racially discriminatory immigration policy. Mr Howard has announced migrants wanting to become Australian citizens will need to sit English exams and pass multiple-choice tests on Australian society. The 30 test questions, drawn from a pool of 200, will cover topics such as history, system of government, sporting traditions and mateship. For instance, in the sporting traditions, the following is asked "Will you support Australia and its sporting teams or will you get fucked now?", and in the mateship section, the following is asked "Do you consider yourself a cunt or a fucking cunt?"

  • President Mahmoud Abbas ordered security forces to deploy across Gaza on Tuesday after the killing of three young sons of one of his loyalists stoked fears of internal strife. Tension between the moderate Abbas and the governing Hamas Islamist group soared after the attack by unidentified gunmen on Monday. The three children of a senior intelligence chief were shot dead as they arrived at school. With two weeks to go till Christmas Eve, there is concern the Gaza Strip is not looking very Christmassy.

Monday, December 11, 2006

December 11 in the news.....

  • Security has been stepped up at the Islamic school in Melbourne which recently expelled students for desecrating the Bible, after a board member was bashed by a man calling himself "Jesus". There are fears that there may be more attacks since the 12 disciples weren't involved.

  • Islamic militants are using a recent peace deal with the government to consolidate their hold in northern Pakistan, vastly expanding their training of suicide bombers and other recruits and fortifying alliances with Al Qaeda and foreign fighters, diplomats and intelligence officials from several nations say. The region has become a virtual Taliban mini-state now and with December 25th fast approaching it doesn't look very Christmassy.

  • Iran on Monday opened a Holocaust conference that it said would examine whether the genocide took place, claiming the meeting was an opportunity for discussion in an atmosphere free of Western taboos. This is all part of President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's continuing tour, labelled: 'Delegitimising Israel Before We Build Nukes And Hand Some to Hezbollah in the Future Islamic Republic of Lebanon'.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

December 9 in the news....

  • Bindi Irwin misses her dad Steve more than ever as the family approaches its first Christmas without the Crocodile Hunter, but cherishes the memory of their last Christmas together. But Bindi cherishes more the spotlight and is glad her dad is 'bloody dead and gone to make way for me'.

  • In the NBA, four-time scoring champ Allen Iverson has asked to be traded and Philadelphia 76ers owner Ed Snider has said his superstar player would be accommodated. It is uncertain where Iverson will go, who has courted controversy his entire NBA career, but so far a federal penitentiary has been ruled out.

  • The leader of al-Qaida in Iraq, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, hated Iraq's Shiite Muslims more than U.S. forces and said they were more dangerous, according to an interview published on the Internet posthumously. He also didn't like their beards, saying Sunnis 'rock the beard look way better'.

  • The Fiji PM has vowed to return after a bloodless coup ousted him from power. He's currently looking at holiday packages.

  • Actor Wesley Snipes surrendered to police on income-tax evasion charges overnight at Orlando International Airport and is due to appear in court, the US attorney's office said. When asked for comment as he was being escorted from the airport Snipes said "Ever played roulette? Always bet on black."

  • In Sydney, racial tensions have erupted in the school system, with a teacher facing an anti-discrimination board complaint after branding a Muslim student a "terrorist". It is not sure how a slur against Islam is racist since it's a religion, but nevertheless, this was part of the 'stating the obvious' curriculum about faithful muslims.

  • Indian surgeons have successfully reattached a man's penis after it was sliced off by gangsters, doctors said today. The organ, which was completely severed, was functional during "clinical tests" this week. There was one awkward moment during this clinical test when the doctor prefaced the handjob with 'Now I'm not gay, we just have to see if this works properly'.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

December 7 in the news....

  • Nintendo had to caution users of its Wii motion controller after it received complaints that it has been responsible for some broken TVs and laptop computers. There is a reportedly simple solution to this problem -- putting the Wii motion controller down and getting a life.

  • First Lady Laura Bush was caught out at a holiday party wearing the same dress as three other women. Putting on a brave face there was no bitchiness apparent between the ladies, but later on President Bush in a phone call to Russia had President Putin offer to poison the three other women.

  • Black New Yorkers demanded the police chief's resignation at a rally today and unveiled plans to shut down Wall Street. This comes after police killed a black man on his wedding day when they fired 50 bullets after an officer identified himself and the black man in question rammed their unmarked police car. Wall Street has been targeted as 'Cracker' central and they intend to shut it down by using previous techniques -- pooling money together and renting out apartments until white people leave.

  • Within hours of President Hugo Chavez's re-election on Sunday, Washington made overtures to open dialogue with Venezuela. But the man who calls President George W. Bush a "donkey" ruled out rapprochement. His words were: "It's not small! It's thin... spaghetti thin..."

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

December 5 in the news....

  • A soccer player's misplaced pass brought a German express train screeching to a halt today. The player miss-kicked the ball just as the train was passing the ground he was playing on near the town of Emsdetten in northern Germany. The ball severed the brake hose between the engine and the first carriage, triggering the train's automatic braking mechanism. Coincidentally the train was carrying many Argentines.

  • Divers have rescued two crew who spent 15 hours on the seabed in a stranded rescue submarine off Australia's west coast, the military said on Tuesday. When told they would be evacuated to Perth they asked to be put back on the seabed.

  • Australia snatched an improbable six-wicket win in the second Ashes test today, marching to victory in Adelaide after England collapsed to be all out for 129 in their second innings. Australia scored 4-168 in the final innings to win the match by six wickets and move a step closer to regaining the Ashes. In a London pub as the last hour dwindled down, Wayne Rooney was sent off and David Beckham cried.

  • Former U.S. President Bill Clinton praised Cambodia on Monday for its success in fighting HIV/AIDS, saying other countries should take note of its twin strategy of public education and widespread condom promotion. Prime Minister Hun Sen welcomed the visit and said about Clinton: "Your presence here sends a big message to Cambodian youngsters about preventing the spread of HIV/AIDS. It also helps to reinforce the power of oral sex as it is not sexual relations."

Monday, December 04, 2006

December 4 in the news....

  • In Tempe Arizona city leaders have apologized after a program on Tempe's cable channel showed a white police officer telling two black men they could get out of a littering ticket by performing a rap. "It's important for police officers to realize that black people do not speak hip hop," Rev. Jarrett Maupin of the National Action Network said. "We're not all rappers and thugs and gangbangers." The Reverend went on, "Sometimes we're black preachers."

  • Russia on Monday cleared the way for British detectives probing the mystery poisoning of former KGB spy Alexander Litvinenko to visit Moscow, and promised to help their investigation. OJ Simpson has put his hand up to help find the killers too.

  • Venezuela's President Hugo Chavez has won a resounding re-election victory. He's promised a "deepening" of his socialist revolution and to continue his attacks on the US to divert attention away from his small dick.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

December 2 in the news.....

  • Four died on Victorian roads today. This took the national death toll up by one. Three were Collingwood supporters.

  • The Returned and Services League of Australia says it will respect whatever decision the Japanese government makes over the fate of its long-lost World War II submarine found in Australian waters. A wreck off Sydney's northern beaches has been confirmed as the Japanese midget M24, missing since it helped launch a deadly surprise attack on Sydney Harbour in 1942. An RSL spokesman said "We'll let the Jap cunts make the call, it's the least we can do - there's probably two deservedly dead Jap cunts inside the thing after all."

  • Paul Collingwood became the first Englishman to score a Test double-century in Australia in 70 years on a record-breaking day for England in the second Ashes Test at Adelaide Oval on Saturday. Collingwood and Kevin Pietersen shared in England's highest fourth-wicket partnership in Ashes Tests as they pushed the tourists towards an unbeatable target. While drinking was up at the Oval, whinging was down by a near record level.

  • German sex educators plan to launch a spray-on condom tailor-made for all sizes. Jan Vinzenz Krause from the Institute for Condom Consultancy, a Singen-based practice that offers advice on condom use, said today the product aimed to help people enjoy better and safer sex lives. "We're trying to develop the perfect condom for men that's suited to every size of penis," he said. "We're very serious." It is uncertain why Mr Krause needed to say they were serious, as Germans don't have a sense of humour.

December 1 in the news.....

  • North Korea has relied on the wise leadership of Kim Jong-il to make sure there have been no outbreaks of AIDS in the reclusive country, its official media reported on Friday. The strategy put in place worked well because North Koreans were too starving to have energy for sex.

  • The Pope has been hailed by Islamic media in Turkey for praying towards Mecca on a visit to a mosque there. This is part of his fence-mending tour after inciting waves of violence in the Islamic World after criticising it for being violent. His next step is to travel to Iran and burn an effigy of President George W. Bush while calling America the Great Satan.

  • Without notifying the public, federal agents for the past four years have assigned millions of international travelers, including Americans, computer-generated scores rating the risk they pose of being terrorists or criminals. This may explain why prizes were awarded to two travelers recently - an Italian nun received a big trophy with a cheque for $50,000, and a Yemeni cleric involved in weapons smuggling won a trip for one to Guantanamo Bay.

  • A radio host in the US played a hoax recently looking to see how much negative feedback he could get from Americans about Muslims. It was found that a deep fear and distrust of Muslims was present. It is unknown what exactly caused this, since Muslims around the world largely hold favourable views of Americans and don't speak against them or attack American symbols interests or citizens when given the opportunity.