Thursday, May 31 in the news.....
- President Bush today accused opponents of his proposed immigration measure of fear-mongering to defeat it in Congress, and took on his own conservative political base as he did so. "If you want to scare the American people, what you say is the bill's an amnesty bill," Mr. Bush said this afternoon at a training center for border enforcement agents located in a town in Georgia's southeastern corner. "And if you really want to scare them, you tell them it's not an amnesty bill....when it is."
- The owner of the Los Angeles Lakers basketball team, Jerry Buss, was arrested near San Diego on Tuesday on suspicion of drunk driving, authorities said. He was intercepted by a police officer who supports the Phoenix Suns. He was let off after he told the officer that he really hated Kobe Bryant too and he'd cause anyone associated with him to hit the drink.
- A house in Finland belonging to Andrei Nekrasov, the director of a film about the poisoned Russian spy Aleksandr Litvinenko and accusatory in tone of Russian President Vladimir Putin, was ransacked recently. A newspaper in Finland said such subject matter and the fact that no property was stolen from Nekrasov's Finland home have led to allegations that there was a hidden agenda to the crime. During the making of the documentary Michael Moore was asked to lend his talents but he replied "Sorry dude, I want to live."
More Wednesday, May 30 in the news....
- Fred Dalton Thompson is planning to enter the US presidential race over the Fourth of July holiday. The actor and former Tennessee senator currently famous for his role on Law and Order will challenge for the Republican nomination. When asked how he would be different from current Republican President George W Bush, Thompson responded "Two main things spring immediately to mind. I told John McClain to take a hike in Die Hard II for trying to run his cowboy ways roughshod over the rules in my air traffic control tower. And I can recite all the multiplication tables without resorting to 12 times 9 equals...Don't mess with Texas."
- Fresh U.S. economic sanctions on Sudan will have minimal impact in Khartoum a senior Sudanese Finance Ministry official said on Wednesday. The senior ministry official went on: "Yeah the local Wall Street was real disappointed.... Ha ha, seriously though, we don't know what the hell these economic sanctions are aimed at, please, all we want is sandwiches."
Wednesday, May 30 in the news....
- President George W. Bush is likely to announce this week a candidate to run the World Bank. With the President known to nominate people who he has a good rapport with or personally likes, there is some worry that Bush will select Bob the Builder.
- A group of 130 Japanese tourists were quarantined in a hotel in Western Canada's Rocky Mountains on Tuesday as health officials scrambled to test their exposure to measles, authorities said. They remained happily taking photos and health officials were walking out of the room with chronic flash exposure.
More Tuesday, May 29 in the news.....
- Russia successfully test-fired a new intercontinental ballistic missile on Tuesday featuring multiple warheads which can overcome missile defense systems, the defense Ministry said. The test failed, however, when the missile was bribed with a few bottles of moonshine vodka.
Tuesday, May 29 in the news....
- The United States ambassador in Baghdad said he and his Iranian counterpart agreed broadly on topics concerning the Middle East yesterday, following the first bilateral public talks between the two countries in almost 30 years. Iran promised to end any support for Israel and America promised no more support for Hezbollah or al-Qaeda.
- A 15-year-old Eyre Peninsula girl has become the first recorded female to play an official senior match in the history of South Australia's country football leagues. Kelsey Hurrell, who racked up 'seven kicks and a couple of marks' roaming the forward and back lines, was playing against men up to three times her age. As with country leagues, every bloke who got the ball was yelled at by his opponent "Okay the girl's got the ball now".
- The former head of the World Bank Paul Wolfowitz, who resigned in a row about his companion's promotion, said on Monday he had been forced to quit because emotions at the organization had become "overheated". The Europeans were angered at what is a traditional American appointment being filled by someone with ties to the Iraq war and questionable qualifications for the position. Wolfowitz dismissed the lack of qualifications as a bunch of hot air, saying "I'm Jewish, this is a bank, does a black guy play basketball? I mean come on."
- A visit to Sydney by a controversial Somali writer who calls the prophet Mohammed a pedophile and says Islam is inferior to Western culture has outraged Muslims. When a reporter asked her to explain why the outrage is so great, one of her bodyguards replied "Hey look you steal their alphabet soup and they'll be pissed."
- An Australian hotel popular with gay men has won the right to refuse entry to heterosexuals and lesbians, officials and the owner said Monday. When asked how they would screen such an entry procedure, the owner produced a cucumber and said "We have our ways."
- Pet Shop Boys singer Neil Tennant has spoken out against this summer's Live Earth concerts. Promoted by former US Vice President Al Gore, the concerts will raise awareness about global warming. Tennant was uneasy about 'rock stars lecturing people' and went on to say "rock stars should be telling people to fuck it all and get on drugs, leading by example, these days though we're in the bloody classroom telling kids how cows farting is bad for the climate, this is so wrong".
- President George W. Bush and Russian President Vladimir Putin spoke by phone on Monday and the White House said they agreed to keep talking about the U.N.-run Serbian province of Kosovo. As Putin raised his concerns President Bush pressed redial then waited for the beeps to stop, after saying 'Gotcha' the President was back on topic: "Okay, back to the convo on Kosovo, Conkosovo, heh, I'm cracking you up aren't I Putester".
Monday, May 28 in the news.....
- A man allegedly has stolen a tourist bus and took its 13 passengers on a joyride around Sydney before leading police on a foot chase. The man returned the vehicle to its original position at Star City Casino in inner Sydney today then ran from the scene, police said. During the stolen tour bus ride he impressed the passengers with his historical knowledge of the area, and they thanked officials for supplying them with a real convict for authenticity.
- The deputy leader of Al-Qaeda, Ayman al-Zawahiri, has urged supporters in Iraq to extend their 'holy war' to other Middle Eastern countries. In a letter sent to the leader of Al-Qaeda in Iraq in the past few weeks, Zawahiri also urged supporters to wipe out the moustache movement in the country.
- Washington and Tehran open their first substantial talks in 27 years in Baghdad today, with both countries setting modest goals and limiting discussions to ways to quell the chaos in Iraq. It is expected to open something like this: "How you going?" "Not bad." "Get up to much on the weekend?" "Nah, pretty quiet one."
- Syrians went to the polls on Sunday to re-elect President Bashar al-Assad for a second term in a ballot for which he was the only candidate allowed to run. Assad said it was a hard fought contest and congratulated himself with humility.
Sunday, May 27 in the news....
- In Roswell, New Mexico, city officials want to construct a UFO-themed amusement park based on its notoriety, complete with an indoor roller coaster that would take passengers on a simulated alien abduction. There is no word yet on what role the requisite anal probe will play on the ride.
- NASA is in the market for commercial relationships and private capital as it gears up for its next manned missions to the moon. Nike may design moon footwear, McDonald's could market moon food, GM could design the moon buggy, and Apple could design a toilet for the lunar surface, the iMoonshitter.
- A U.S. navy show of force on Iran's doorstep is "greatly alarming" for the region and the United States risked a bloody quagmire if it invaded Iran, a state-run Afghan newspaper said on Saturday. In related news, Afghanistan actually has a newspaper. In other related news, Afghan paperboys not only dodge neighbourhood dogs and cars, but mines and Taliban.
- Opposition leader Kevin Rudd has promised to close the 17-year gap in life expectancy between black and white Australians within a generation. Kevin Rudd also admitted he formulated this policy after watching the DVD of Groundhog Day and thinking he could have done a better job than Bill Murray when he tried to save the old homeless man from dying.
- Fiery Shiite cleric Moqtada al-Sadr appeared in public for the first time in months on Friday to renew demands for the withdrawal of U.S. forces from Iraq and paint himself as the leader for all Iraqis. Sunnis cursed him, Kurds ignored him, Shiites mobbed him like Elvis, American forces raided his Sadr City stronghold and killed five suspected militia fighters in air strikes.
- Iran has uncovered spy networks on its territory they claim were organized by occupying forces in Iraq and Iraqi groups. They found them hidden under Persian rugs.
- Kevin Rudd's wife deliberately shifted employees onto individual contracts last July, thinking the extra 45c an hour she was offering as a trade-off for losing some award conditions was fair. Kevin Rudd supported the move, telling his wife that Howard's IR Law changes were great for her company.
- The Labor Party has indicated it is considering restricting fast food meal-deals that include toys as gifts to entice children. Instead, meals will be served with union badges.
Saturday, May 26 in the news.....
- A U.S. congressman chased and caught a man who picked the lawmaker's pocket on Thursday night in Washington's Georgetown neighborhood, a local television station reported. Rep. Rodney Frelinghuysen, a New Jersey Republican, also told the thief to get a real job so he could pick his pocket through taxes.
- Al-Qaeda terrorists use blow torches, electric drills and meat cleavers to torture and force information out of their victims, according to a "how-to" book reportedly discovered in a safe house in Iraq. At first they asked with manners though, including 'please', 'come on man', and their Jerry Maguire inspired 'Help me help you, help ME help YOU'.
- A Russian documentary about Alexander Litvinenko, the former KGB agent poisoned in London, details the dead spy's campaign against what he dubs President Vladimir Putin's "corrupt" regime. The more than 90-minute-long film blasts Putin and hammers home alleged wrongdoings by Litvinenko's former bosses at the FSB (ex-KGB), accused posthumously by the poisoned spy of being "the hand that carries the weapon of a corrupt ruling clan." The filmmakers are reportedly still alive as of this update.
More Friday, May 25 in the news....
- A sparrow took a crap on President Bush's arm today at a press conference. Noticing the blemish, the President quickly cleared it away and then declared to the press corps that he will not be removing his outdoor Rose Garden addresses due to the sparrow attack, instead he challenged Democrats to support a continuation of his current policy. Meanwhile, Vice President Dick Cheney has begun working with pigeons in the hope they can drive out sparrows from the Washington DC area.
- An Australian movie fan on his way to pose for a Star Wars 30th anniversary photo shoot was arrested by police after his replica laser pistol was mistaken for a more earthly machine gun, media reported on Friday. The Melbourne man was surrounded by armed police, forced to the ground and handcuffed - he uttered as he was taken away "Dammit, Han Solo wouldn't have pissed his pants like I just did".
Friday, May 25 in the news....
- Opposition Leader Kevin Rudd has confirmed his wife's company underpaid some workers, but said it was an honest mistake. Kevin Rudd said she knew she was doing it and admitted when caught and that's why it was an honest mistake.
- A 78 year old man has been charged with the murder of an elderly woman whose body was found in a cabin at Lake Macquarie on the NSW Central Coast. The man put up resistance when the police arrived and it took a couple of seconds to subdue him.
- The U.S.-led war on terrorism is "a bumper sticker, not a plan" that has weakened Washington's global standing, Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards said on Wednesday as he unveiled his defense policy plans. His plans involved a few T-Shirts and a life-sized portrait.
- Fidel Castro says he is now recovering from several intestinal operations that had not been successful at first. He is eating better, but his oppressing of dissent against his rule still has a way to go.
Thursday, May 24 in the news....
- It has been claimed by Russian exile Boris Berezovsky that the Kremlin is prepared to kill suspect Andrei Lugovoy rather than extradite him to face trial in Britain for the murder of Russian dissident Alexander Litvinenko. After these allegations surfaced, other Ex-KGB agents were seen resigning and applying for KFC in Moscow.
More Wednesday, May 23 in the news.....
- Google’s ambition to maximise the personal information it holds on users is so great that the search engine envisages a day when it can tell people what jobs to take and how they might spend their days off. This is a long way from the original vision of the founders, who were just keen to hack online games and leave their calling card of 'I'm in Ur Base Killin Ur Doodz'.
- The days of long, luxurious showers are gone as Aussies heed the water-saving message, a new poll shows. The Home Beautiful magazine survey of 740 people found almost 80 per cent showered for 5-10 minutes. The other 20 per cent apologised for the smell before taking the survey.
Wednesday, May 23 in the news.....
- A naked American tourist raised eyebrows when he went for a walk through a German city and told police he thought this was acceptable behavior in Germany. Many Germans enjoy nude sunbathing which is allowed in public parks. Will Ferrell apologised and went back to the set of his movie there.
- Prosecutors accused a former KGB agent Tuesday of murder in the radioactive poisoning of fellow ex-operative Alexander Litvinenko and sought his extradition from Russia. The case is sure to challenge already-tense relations between London and Moscow. The Ex-KGB Agent said it was politically motivated and the prosecutors said 'duh'.
- Dallas Mavericks forward Dirk Nowitzki, the first European to win the NBA's Most Valuable Player award, said on Tuesday he still felt a deep emptiness about his team's playoff collapse. He said he tried writing to the fans to apologise for his performance in the First Round but he couldn't get the words right - his frustration was only compounded more everytime he'd scrunch up the paper to throw in the bin and it would end up on the floor.
More Tuesday, May 22 in the news....
- Michael Moore is a Cannes favorite once again. His last film, the war-on-terror documentary "Fahrenheit 9/11" won the festival's top prize, the Palme d'Or, in 2004. His latest, 'Sicko', is screening out of competition - Moore joked that he didn't want to appear like a "typical American" by greedily seeking another trophy. A reporter pointed out that it's a shame he couldn't say the same for his waistline.
- The Chinese authorities are investigating whether two companies exported poison-tainted toothpaste, including some made specifically for children, after it turned up in Latin America. The companies did point out though that the children's toothpaste kept teeth white even after death.
Tuesday, May 22 in the news....
- The White House on Sunday fired back at former President Jimmy Carter, calling him "increasingly irrelevant" a day after Carter described George W. Bush's presidency as the worst in history in international relations. It was uncertain how fast his irrelevance was increasing but it was thought to have begun in 1976.
- Treasurer Peter Costello's regular morning jog up the roof of Parliament House is a breach of parliamentary security, a Senate estimates committee has heard. Mr Costello took up jogging late last year and ends his Canberra outings by running up the grassy slope to the flagpole at the top of Parliament House. He told reporters that he liked to jog a lap of the Parliament and finish by racing to the grassy roof, where he would "clasp my hands together like Rocky Balboa". The Treasurer refused to be drawn on whether it was a breach but a spokesman responded on the 'Rocky Balboa' thing saying 'Yeah Pete's a lonely guy.'
Monday, May 21 in the news....
- Leonardo DiCaprio has stated that humans may face extinction from global warming. This has led to the famous retort in schools across the world: "If Leonardo DiCaprio said it then it must be true."
Sunday, May 20 in the news.....
- In France, Michael Moore unveiled his latest attack on America's shortcomings at Cannes with Sicko, a scathing documentary that exposes the dark side of the US health system and its powerful insurance lobby. When asked what next for the award winning filmmaker, Moore said "I'm going to make a documentary detailing all the good things about America and Americans," he paused as the reporters nodded, "Nah just kidding, no one wants to see that here."
- Russia stands accused of launching a cyber war against its Baltic neighbour Estonia. Estonians removed a Soviet war memorial from central Tallinn three weeks ago and since then government web sites and those belonging to banks, political parties and other national institutions have been hit. Estonia has made emergency calls to military advisors at Google and IBM but they have refused to get involved. Instead, Estonian IT soldiers are continuing constant Googling for help and adding cyber-war defence sites to their Favourites in Firefox.
More Saturday, May 19 in the news....
- Five black current and former employees of Bank of America Corp. have sued the second-largest U.S. bank, accusing it of racial discrimination by steering lucrative clients to their white counterparts. This was followed by five white employees filing a racial discrimination counter suit, claiming the black employees refused to select them at the company picnic basketball games.
Saturday, May 19 in the news....
- Israeli planes pounded Hamas targets and rival Palestinian factions exchanged bursts of automatic weapons fire outside Gaza City's Islamic University on Friday. Students were disappointed as the lecture on Dynamics of Non-Technical Zionist Systems of Control had to be cancelled.
- Australia is developing a regional carbon emissions trading scheme that would include China and the US and could form the basis of a "Sydney declaration" at this year's APEC summit. A jubilant Al Gore has been told about the scheme, but he remained reserved after finding out that one of the hurdles is for the US to reduce his gas emissions, as they rival the cow population of New Zealand.
- Nervous residents of Pakistan's biggest city are wondering if last weekend's political violence, in which about 40 people were killed, heralds a return of the bloodshed of the 1980s and 1990s. One resident discussed the 60's and 70's but other residents called him a lucky bastard.
- The United Arab Emirates' Abu Dhabi television said Palestinian Islamist group Hamas abducted its Gaza bureau chief on Friday. The chief was in the middle of an important meeting about the ratings impact of beards over moustaches when he was taken.
- In remarks at a debate among US Republican candidates in South Carolina on Tuesday, former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney called for doubling the size of the Guantanamo military prison, while rival Rudy Giuliani said he supported the use of methods like "waterboarding," which simulates drowning. When asked what they'd do for the domestic economy especially when it came to those who opposed their ideas, they said the same thing.
More Friday, May 18 in the news....
- The Taliban said today it had arrested a close aide to the rebel movement's slain commander Mullah Dadullah for treachery that led to his killing. It is rumoured that they plan to take him out to dinner and discuss the terms of his resignation from the movement.
- In a striking reach across party lines in the United States, the White House and key lawmakers agreed Thursday on a sweeping immigration plan to grant legal status to millions of people in the country unlawfully. It was seen as a great step forward in cutting the burdensome costs of law enforcement.
Friday, May 18 in the news....
- The gravest terrorist threat in the world today is Islamophobia, foreign ministers of the Organization of the Islamic Conference said this week. They said it was about time Westerners learnt to hug a suicide bomber rather than suspect him of something sinister.
- Israeli air strikes destroyed a Hamas security headquarters and a car carrying one of the Islamist group's top commanders as rival Palestinian factions clashed again in the unruly territory wracked by days of deadly internecine bloodshed. Fatah members shooting at Hamas members stopped to scream "Ha ha sucked in!" as the Israelis took over for a while.
- In a magazine interview musician R. Kelly has gone and compared himself to Muhammad Ali, Marvin Gaye, Bob Marley -- and even Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. R. Kelly clarified his remarks by saying that he is that calibre of a black man in the category of sex with underage girls.
Wednesday, May 16 in the news....
- A suicide bomber who killed 25 people in an attack on a crowded hotel in Pakistan left a grisly warning taped to his leg aimed at American spies. The bombing ruined some of the message though and at first it appeared to be a warning not to make any more sequels to American Pie.
- A U.S. troop pullout from Iraq would turn the country into a 'terrorist Disneyland' a leading al Qaeda expert said on Tuesday. He also said if the U.S. doesn't bomb Iran they would become a Universal Studios of Islamic militancy, and the Gaza Strip is already the Coney Island of violence. Meanwhile Lebanon is still being referred to as a local cinema playing movies from the 1940's.
- Environmental activists are building a replica of Noah's Ark on Mount Ararat — where the biblical vessel is said to have landed after the great flood — in an appeal for action on global warming, Greenpeace said Wednesday. Al Gore said if global warming does cause another Great Flood he'll command the high seas, but the weightier former US Vice President agreed to only eat some animals, and he insisted that the dove be sent out to locate a KFC and bring back a wet towel as proof.
- More than 800 Hong Kong residents have called on authorities to reclassify the Bible as "indecent" due to its sexual and violent content, following an uproar over a sex column in a university student journal. If the charge is proven only those over 18 would be able to buy the holy book and it would need to be sealed in a wrapper with a statutory warning notice. Once this occurs it is expected that men in hats and glasses will be entering book shops all over Hong Kong and asking where the bible section is.
- A court in Germany has convicted three men of stealing over four km (2.5 miles) of rail track, weighing nearly 500 tonnes, to sell as scrap metal. The crime has become so famous that the regional education ministry has used it as a model for a math exam, asking pupils to calculate the weight, volume and value of the stolen steel. The three men and the pupils follow a grand tradition of Germany where criminal acts are well thought out and efficiently executed.
- Britain's Prince Harry will not be deployed to Iraq after military commanders decided it would be too dangerous, Britain's Ministry of Defense said on Wednesday. Instead, Prince Harry will continue his tour of duty in British nightclubs.
Tuesday, May 15 in the news....
- Mullah Dadullah, the feared Taliban commander killed at the weekend in battle with U.S.-led forces in Afghanistan, has been replaced by his younger brother, a Taliban spokesman said. His other 75 brothers walked away empty-handed and disappointed.
- London hopes a game of American football will add a familiar feel for tourists from the United States and help them forget that the dollar buys less in the British capital than it has in almost 15 years. The city is hosting a regular season football game between the Miami Dolphins and the New York Giants at the newly rebuilt Wembley Stadium on October 28. Often referred to as the 'home of soccer' there are fears that as soon as one player is tackled hard confused British hooligans will burn the stadium to the ground.
- The influential Sunday news talk shows aired by U.S. television networks are overwhelmingly dominated by white men, with women, blacks and Latinos having little presence, a media watchdog reported on Monday. Meanwhile, the influential Saturday morning cartoon shows were still dominated by animals, with humans having little presence when compared with cats, mice and dogs, a cartoon watchdog reported on the same day.
- Sixty Taliban fighters including three commanders were killed in overnight air strikes on two rebel bases in the southern Afghan province of Kandahar, a provincial police chief said on Tuesday. They are still trying to identify the dead through beard records.
- An anti-U.S. Afghan rebel leader said he had information that Osama bin Laden is alive but keeping a low profile by not issuing statements, according to a video aired on Sunday. He also had information that Osama is missing the spotlight and has reportedly been back in the studio mixing some new audio tapes and working with different producers.
- Hollywood star Sylvester Stallone has apologised to the public and the justice system for illegally bringing vials of human growth hormone and testosterone into Australia. He apologised through his barrister, Phillip Boulten SC, who first had to get the comments translated from the native Stallone language he speaks.
- China has launched a communications satellite into orbit for Nigeria. The Nigerian satellite is the only one in orbit with flies buzzing around it.
Monday, May 14 in the news....
- Thousands of sex offenders have registered for profiles on social networking website MySpace. Bill Clinton said it was a great innovative way to help Hillary's presidential campaign.
- German sex shop chain Beate Uhse must pay German soccer stars Michael Ballack and Oliver Kahn 50,000 euros ($81,205) each for using their names for vibrators without permission, the company said today. The vibrators weren't very popular anyhow as they only worked when you put Italian batteries in them.
- The Palestinian interior minister resigned on Monday due to increasing violence in the Palestinian territories. The Palestinian government had to go into damage control saying this was no precedent, they were his views, and that they supported all forms of violence.
- A Pakistani opposition strike virtually shut down Karachi and other major cities on Monday after nearly 40 people were killed and about 150 wounded in Pakistan's worst political street violence in two decades. It was estimated that the nation's economy suffered hundreds of dollars of damages.
- Thousands of American troops searched on Sunday for three US soldiers missing in Iraq after an ambush in which al Qaeda said it seized "crusader" forces. The US is thinking about bringing in many experts on missing persons to ramp up the search, but the web hosts of the major Backstreet Boys fan sites have yet to agree.
Sunday, May 13 in the news....
- Many roads in the Pakistani city of Karachi were blocked on Saturday apparently aimed at disrupting plans by the country's suspended chief justice to hold a rally with his supporters. Motorists were upset until they realised that the dirt on the side of the road was the same as the road.
- The government has ordered the Australian cricket team's tour of Zimbabwe be scrapped, Prime Minister John Howard confirmed today, saying any visit would be "an enormous boost to a grubby dictator". It is uncertain if any planned tours will now go ahead to England as any visit there would be "an enourmous boost to a grubby people".
- A vandal defaced the giant portrait of China's late Chairman Mao Zedong that hangs over the Forbidden City on Saturday, prompting police to clear the area and adjacent Tiananmen Square. Chinese authorities are searching for the offender and are certain it's a goddamn mongolian.
- O.J. Simpson will not take legal action against a Louisville restaurateur who booted him from a steakhouse on the eve of the Kentucky Derby, apparently asking Simpson to leave because "he continues to torment the family whose lives he's already ruined 15 years ago." Instead of legal action O.J. plans to secretly kill him one night.
More Saturday, May 12 in the news.....
- Rudolph W. Giuliani directly challenged Republican Party orthodoxy on Friday, asserting that his support for abortion rights, gun control and gay rights should not disqualify him from winning the party’s presidential nomination and that Republicans need to be tolerant of dissenting views on those issues if they want to hold the White House. He then held up his hand and said "Yeah I know I totally need another 9/11 right now just to get you to clap at the end of this speech."
Saturday, May 12 in the news....
- US Vice President Dick Cheney warned Friday from the hangar deck of a US aircraft carrier in the Gulf that the United States will not let Iran get nuclear weapons. He held up a shotgun as he said it and everyone dove for cover.
- Outgoing British Prime Minister Tony Blair will meet with President George W. Bush during a visit to the United States next week, the White House said on Friday. With Iraq factoring into the reasoning for Blair's departure, Bush and Blair are expected to sit awkwardly in silence for a while before Bush offers him some of his cheetos.
- Visiting Brazil, the Pope has told the youth of the country to stay away from drugs and sex before marriage. He then told them to stay away from soccer, silence filled the air, the Pope laughed and said he had worked on that joke for months.
Wednesday, May 9 in the news....
- U.S. President George W. Bush will keep a military option on the table in the standoff with Iran over its nuclear plans, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said. Meanwhile Iran has said it will 'break the legs' of any invader, upon hearing this President Bush was reported to have confided to Rice that Lieutenant Dan in Forrest Gump got him some 'magic legs' and if Iran were able to do this he would get some too.
- Hamas militants have enlisted the iconic Mickey Mouse to broadcast their message of Islamic dominion and armed resistance to their most impressionable audience — little kids. A giant black-and-white rodent—named "Farfour," or "butterfly," but unmistakably a Mickey ripoff—does his high-pitched preaching against the U.S. and Israel on a children's show run each Friday on Al-Aqsa TV, a station run by Hamas. In their version of Disney characters Goofy is a luckless suicide bomber who constantly comes back from the dead only to have his bomb set off too early once again when aiming for Jews at bus stops and cafes.
- During a speech with Queen Elizabeth II alongside him, President Bush winked at her, which was rewarded with a regal glare. After the blunder the President paused and turned to the Queen to acknowledge his gaffe, joking that she "gave me a look that only a mother could give a child." Patriots threw their hands up at the President's response and said "That's it, time to give the country back to England, the bastard just surrendered. All that work, for nothing."
- Britain's capital London beat the glamour of Monaco, New York, Hong Kong and Tokyo to become the world's most expensive place to buy prime residential property, a survey showed on Tuesday. Also on Tuesday London beat out the capitals of Ethiopia, Botswana and Uganda for world's most likely place to starve while looking for a decent tasting meal.
Monday, May 7 in the news.....
- Queen Elizabeth II was due in Washington Sunday ahead of the most lavish state reception of US President George W. Bush's term. The royal couple will be greeted on the south lawn of the White House with a 21-gun salute and the national anthems of the two countries, the White House said. The White House did not say whether any of the 21 guns will be pointed directly at the Queen.
- Conservative candidate Nicolas Sarkozy has won the hotly-contested French presidential election. He beat a woman and has used this confident move by France as a springboard to pick on Liechenstein next.
Thursday, May 3 in the news.....
- Germany has laid claim to the dubious distinction of being the most obese country in Europe, the International Association for the Study of Obesity reports. Which means if WWII was fought again today Germany's blitzkrieg would be bent over puffing after crossing into Belgium and demanding waffles and chocolate.
Tuesday, May 1 in the news....
- Australians, long regarded as a nation of beer drinkers rivaled only by the Germans, seem to be turning soft, or sober. After 113 years, the country's biggest selling beer, Victoria Bitter, or VB, is to be produced in a mid-strength version to keep pace with the country's fast-changing beer tastes. The move will also compliment the mid-strength quality of Victorian football teams.
- The leader of al Qaeda in Iraq was killed on Tuesday in a fight between insurgents north of Baghdad, the Interior Ministry spokesman said. His defence caused his death, as he had been taking supplements in the fight against cancer rather than the fight against other Sunni insurgents.
