Wednesday, February 28 in the news.....
- U.S. stocks plummeted Tuesday as concerns that the Chinese and American economies were cooling and fears that shares were overvalued sparked a global market decline. By today the Chinese market had picked up ground and many Wall Street brokers were relieved they jumped out of first floor windows as a precaution.
- Japanese monetary authorities did not intervene in foreign exchange markets in February for the 35th consecutive month, the Finance Ministry said Wednesday. Although it did intervene in a foreign eBay auction for a friggin' sweet karaoke set.
Tuesday, February 27 in the news.....
- Japan and the USA are to hold joint fighter drills in Fukuoka Prefecture. The drills will involve the US military's F-15 fighter jets and the Americans are having to pay high insurance premiums as Japanese pilots like to fly into targets.
- Vice President Dick Cheney has asked Pakistan to do more against Al Qaeda and the Taliban within its borders on a visit there today. Fresh from leaving Australia, Cheney also passed on a request from the Howard Government to do more about combatting cheating Paki bastards in cricket.
- At least 11 people died and more than 100 people were injured at an annual spring festival in eastern Pakistan where thousands of colorful kites are flown. The deaths and injuries were caused by stray bullets, sharpened kite-strings, electrocution and people falling off rooftops. Muslim officials said the celebratory festival did not reach its anticipated death toll this year.
- "An Inconvenient Truth," the big-screen adaptation of former U.S. Vice President Al Gore's slide-show lecture about the perils of global warming, won Academy Awards on Sunday for documentary feature and best song. Apparently the deciding judge on the Oscar panel did not vote for it, but since he was from Florida he was dismissed and finally Gore had his way by winning both the popular vote and the crucial Academy vote.
Monday, February 26 in the news.....
- Islam is growing fast among African Americans, who are undeterred by increased scrutiny of Muslims in the United States since the September 11 attacks, according to imams and experts. It is thought that Muslims in the Middle East just can't wait for hip hop videos full of half-naked women and alcohol to start flourishing there. Meanwhile in the United States the growth means that Ramadan - where muslims fast from sun up to sun down - should go down well in neighbourhoods where tempers flare easily.
- The European Space Agency's Rosetta probe swooped around the back of Mars early on Sunday, completing a key maneuver in its 10-year mission to meet a distant comet. Controllers had been concerned the probe might face difficulties as it passed through the Martian shadow, losing the solar power source of its instruments and leaving it reliant on a brace of tiny batteries. But after a 20 minute lull, and after the French controllers had been commandeered by German ones who had pushed through a Belgium and Netherlands contingent of controllers, not to mention threatening some British ones on the way, the probe emerged from the other side of Mars at around 0230 GMT and all was well.
- Presidential candidate John Edwards courted Democratic activists in New Hampshire on Saturday, playing up differences with rival Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton in the key primary state. Edwards emphasised that while his balls may not be as hairy they're just as big.
- Kevin Federline has supposedly visited freshly bald-headed Britney Spears in rehab. K-Fed was said to have told her she's a bigger loser than he is now.
Sunday, February 25 in the news.....
- Electricity has been returned to a Sydney hospital and to the majority of homes that were affected by severe thunderstorms. The worst affected areas were the south-west Sydney suburbs of Narellan, Minto, Macquarie Fields and Camden. Some bogans in these areas remained unaffected as their caravans had generators.
- Australia has asked the Indonesian Government to accept a boatload of Sri Lankan refugees who were found at sea this week. "Our position is very clear and it's this: we will determine who comes to Australia," Immigration Minister Kevin Andrews said today. He went on: "Besides, Sri Lankans are known to cheat at spin bowling and our position is very clear there too: we will determine what is or isn't a legal action."
- A US airport has become the first to begin using the controversial new federal screening system that takes X-rays of passenger's bodies in an effort to find concealed explosives and other weapons. The X-rays can see through people's clothes and show the body's contours with blush-inducing clarity. There have already been two dozen security alerts in the first day, nothing that alarmed the federal government - all were related to 'visual terrorism'.
Tuesday, February 20 in the news....
- A Malaysian state plans to recruit "spies" from the public to snoop on unmarried lovers and report them to Islamic religious authorities. The program's slogans are going to be: "Snitch for Allah" and "Muhammad was a police informer."
- Britain's Prince Harry could soon be heading to Iraq to face the reality of combat and it poses some Royal challenges and headaches. Prince Harry, in his own defence, noted how many games he'd been to in the English Premier League and was able to stay alive there.
- Socialist Segolene Royal, seeking to revive her flagging campaign to become next French president, said on Monday she was facing more attacks over her competence than a man would have to. Taking questions in a television debate after hitting a new low in opinion polls, Royal said: "No man with my professional background would have had his competence and legitimacy permanently called into question." This further showed her incompetency as Royal had mistakenly applied a Western issue with France into a gender based one about her.
- Shots have reportedly been fired at a post-NBA All-Star party in a Las Vegas strip club after celebrities began tossing wads of cash into the air. Police are blaming players from the Three-Point contest.
Sunday, February 18 in the news....
- Iran for the first time formally denied claims by Iraqi and US officials that radical Iraqi cleric Moqtada al-Sadr is in the Islamic republic, the ISNA news agency reported. Although still uncertain of his whereabouts, Iraqi and US officials have ruled out some parts of the Middle East, specifically, Israel.
- In Lesotho, a new opposition party mounted a stiff challenge in national elections, promising to end hunger and poverty in this tiny mountain kingdom in southern Africa. The opposition was notable for its campaign slogan of 'The 21st Century is the Century of Sandwiches'.
Friday, February 16 in the news......
- A fisherman fueled by 'a fair few' vodkas caught a 1.3-meter (4-foot) shark and wrestled it onto a jetty in South Australia, suffering only small tear marks in his trousers, media reports said on Friday. "It's not something I'd recommend to do," the fisherman said. "When I sobered up I thought about it and I said, 'I'm a bit of an idiot doing it'." He went on: "But you know, you hit the drink and wrestling sharks is just a bit of fun."
- Singing soldiers and flower shows marked the birthday of the man dubbed North Korea's "invincible brilliant commander" by the state media there. One tribute speech noted how Kim's 'little man syndrome' will never be topped by anyone ever again.
- Former U.S. Vice President Al Gore announced plans on Thursday for a worldwide string of pop concerts in July to promote awareness of global warming. Actress Cameron Diaz and rapper Pharrell Williams joined him at the press conference for the announcement. Gore, not known for his edgy personality, got caught up in the moment while Cameron Diaz was speaking, grabbing his dick and nodding smoothly while standing next to a baseball capped Pharrell.
- The Berlin film festival failed to reel in the critics this year, with many citing it as an 'average' festival. Critics argued that the competition didn't have a 'Michael Moore moment' like Cannes in 2004, or Michael Winterbottom's 'The Road to Guantanamo', about the US-led war in Afghanistan in Berlin in 2006. This year the buzz was on a film about Armenians who were slaughtered in 1915 by Ottoman Turks, but critics panned it, saying it needed to be blamed on the Americans for it to have the media boom effect.
- Two new British prisons are to open to help ease overcrowding, after watchdogs warned that the system is in crisis and could get worse. British authorities are worried the embarrasment could deepen if the convicts are taken offshore, saying they don't want to see 'another Australia', further noting how that would mean an upsurge in people wanting to be 'put away for life'.
Wednesday, February 14 in the news.....
- The Italian government warned on Wednesday of possible violence during a protest at a U.S. military base this weekend. The base is playing host to a Serie A soccer match.
- Labor leader Kevin Rudd wants the United States to surrender in Iraq, Foreign Minister Alexander Downer says. Mr Downer today defended Prime Minister John Howard's criticism of US presidential hopeful Barack Obama over his pledge to bring US troops out of Iraq by March 2008. Rudd refused to admit his plans on Iraq are a form of surrender, instead choosing to refer to the Western term, French Pragmatism.
- New York City is planning to open an Arabic Public School next September. The school will cover all educational topics needed to get a head start in NYC except aviation and chemistry.
- Alexander Downer bristled when asked about Senator Obama's challenge to Mr Howard to send an extra 20,000 troops to Iraq or butt out of the debate. He said Australia had troops in Iraq, Afghanistan, East Timor, the Solomon Islands, and attached to other missions around the world. He then compared the global security contributions to the size difference between the two nations. One reporter put his hand up after this and asked Mr. Downer about Obama: "So then if white men can't jump does this mean black men can't count?"
- The United States will build a new communications base in Australia, the first since the Pine Gap spy base began operating in the Northern Territory more than 20 years ago. Where exactly the base will be situated is not known, and the Leyland Brothers have already been warned if they are asked.
- The Boston Beer Company has come out with a glass that supposedly improves the taste of beer. Aussie brewers said this was another classic case of Americans trying to compensate.
Tuesday, February 13 in the news.....
- A restaurant popular with celebrities and fashionistas in London is offering free food to skinny models who have come under attack for promoting a stick-thin image which critics says encourages eating disorders in young women. Even more critics opposed this move, saying free British food encourages eating disorders in people.
- The President of the Czech Republic called global warming a myth, he criticised the UN Panel as being a political body and questioned Al Gore's sanity. Al Gore responded through a spokesman and brushed it off, saying it will do little as his global warming movement is now more popular than the Beatles and Jesus.
- A Muslim cleric freed from prison in Egypt on Sunday four years after he was grabbed in a Milan street in a suspected CIA kidnapping said on Monday the ordeal had made him a wreck. The cleric said he couldn't even drive a truck bomb into US interests in his present state.
- Average life expectancy in China will rise significantly by the middle of the century, Chinese academics forecast in a report issued in state media on Monday. The state media also reported that the biggest killers of Chinese will remain cancer, heart attack, Falun Gong supporter and Pro-Western student activist.
- Democratic presidential contender Barack Obama drew a contrast with rival Hillary Rodham Clinton on the Iraq war on Sunday and said it was unclear how she planned to end the conflict. Obama was then asked why he had been unclear on ending the gang war in Los Angeles, and would he be withdrawing all hispanic gang members so the Bloods and Crips could look to resolve a peace on their terms.
Sunday, February 11 2007 in the news....
- Australia's Prime Minister John Howard blasted Presidential contender Barack Obama's policy on the Iraq war and said al-Qaeda would "be praying as many times as possible for a victory for not only Obama but also for the Democrats". Barack Obama responded by saying people think that because he's black and blacks support the Democrats.
Thursday, February 8 in the news.....
- A Chinese zoo is running a Big Brother style competition with a difference – the contestants have to live in a monkey enclosure. Six people will live with the monkeys in the zoo in the northwestern province of Shaanxi "to experience the lack of freedom the animals have", the China Daily said today. The Chinese Government is hoping the experiment goes well, and that no humans will teach the monkeys who lack the knowledge of freedom yet to stand in front of Chinese tanks in a mock Tiananmen Square.
- Europeans are complaining that Americans are using their status to get them to stay tough on Iran, while Americans are complaining that Europeans are putting business interests in Iran first. Meanwhile, both are irritated that the Russians maintain multi-billion dollar trade interests with Iran, but the Russians do not care, with a Russian spokesman stating "We do it for the Motherland, and the Motherland is a violently promiscuous and wily old whore who with her loaf of bread and sack of potatoes made money while drunk on moonshine vodka by selling herself to gain power and control wherever her sex appeal could take her."
- The worst attack in years on the internet's infrastructure, which used infected computers around the world as "zombies", has slowed traffic but failed to bring down the web, security experts said. Today the suspected 'Hack the World' alliance went back to eating sherbet drinking Coke popping pimples and being distracted by video games and internet porn to try it again.
- Donnatella Versace has came out criticising Hillary Clinton's wardrobe stating "She should treat femininity as an opportunity and not try to emulate masculinity in politics." And Versace had even more to say on her stance on Iraq: "IEDs and Truck Bombs are so last year, I want to see less jungle green in Iraq and more olive drab in Afghanistan."
The French Edition --- Wednesday, February 7 in the news.......
- French motorists may be driving more recklessly than usual because they are counting on the traditional pardon by the incoming president after the election in May, the transport minister said. If there is no pardon for traffic offences the French will not fight it, instead they will hold a candlelight vigil at Normandy, awaiting the landing of American and British troops.
- A leading member of the French Socialist Party called for France to recognise crimes from the colonial era in Algeria rather than to apologise for them as Algiers asked. Meanwhile, a leading member of the World Tourism Organisation has called for France to recognise its crimes against tourism rather than apologise for 'being French'.
- Opening arguments began Wednesday in a defamation trial against a French satirical weekly that reprinted caricatures of the Prophet Mohammed last year, stoking outrage and violence across the Muslim world. The publication's director, Philippe Val, called the case a "medieval trial," saying religions should be subject to "critique and to democratic debate." The French will call on character witnesses from around the world, with some French caricatures to be produced as an example of upholding freedom of artistic expression, including a frog in a beret having a smoke with a bottle of wine and cheese beside him, holding a white flag.
- A French-led plan to create a stronger U.N. agency must not be allowed to sidetrack the world from the overriding goal of fighting global warming, the U.N.'s top climate change official said on Tuesday. The French criticised the climate change official, claiming the plan would do just that, and that building a stronger agency would become a solid defence against global warming, just like the Maginot Line did against the Germans.
- France's budget deficit fell to 36.16 billion euros ($A60.5 billion) in 2006 from 43.5 billion ($A72.7 billion) in 2005, according to data released, the third year running that the deficit has fallen. France attributed its success to cutting back on mime funding.
- French Premier Dominique de Villepin has charged the United States with failure in Iraq, and asked the Bush Administration to initiate troop withdrawal from that country immediately. When asked how the Americans could do that without leaving the country to chaos, the Frenchman responded "It's very easy to surrender, we have offered our expertise to the Americans already."
Wednesday, February 7 in the news.....
- Argentina's first couple, a power pair often compared to Bill and Hillary Clinton, won't say whether it will be a his or hers candidacy in this year's presidential election. With both Kirchners doing well in the polls, they've been floating the idea that she should run to replace him while he's still in office. When asked President Nestor Kirchner says 'he doesn't make the household rules', and when asked Sen. Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner said if he stays out at the pub and doesn't bother to call he will lose the Presidency.
- Prime Minister John Howard doesn't believe most Australians are all that squeamish about drinking recycled water in the future. Neither, did he say, are they squeamish about changing the language of a popular insult from 'ha ha eat shit cunt' to 'ha ha drink shit cunt'.
- US R&B outfit Boyz II Men hit the jackpot with their hit singles End Of The Road and I'll Make Love To You in the early 1990's. It's been more than a decade since these tunes dominated the charts but the artists are out to prove they've still got it. Now they are set to tour Australia backing their new album The Remedy. The Australian tour will be launched at Sydney's Luna Park on February 14 and they will visit Newcastle, Brisbane and Melbourne before playing two more shows in Sydney. When asked why they won't be touring Adelaide the Boyz responded "Adelaide?"
- An Iranian government-sponsored body set up to probe the veracity of the Holocaust has challenged Europe to hand over documents about the mass slaughter of Jews in World War II. The Iranian government group doubts such claims of WWII, with a spokesman for the body commenting: "I mean, really, who could hate the Jews that much? Who could manufacture such propaganda about 'Zionists' as to dehumanise them in order to war against them?"
Sunday, February 4 in the news.....
- France's president, Jacques Chirac, urged an economic and political 'revolution' to fight Global Warming. When informed that Global Warming may not cooperate and instead be prepared for war against such moves, the French President promised to listen to its concerns and instead advocated a need to embrace Global Warming on a sustainable basis.
- Nearly 160,000 turkeys have been culled in Britain after the country's first major outbreak of bird flu. It was discovered later that the tip was wrong, and had in fact come from a tourist who got sick and was sure he had bad food.
- Egypt has charged four people with spying for Israel, a state prosecutor said on Saturday. Three were Israelis and one was an Egyptian with a Canadian citizenship. The four spies were actively pursued and caught in a bungled escape, with the Egyptian overheard screaming at the arresting officers "These fuckers said they could part the Red Sea!"
- Russian authorities are looking to receive consent as early as next week to send investigators to Britain to probe the poisoning death of former security agent Alexander Litvinenko. The Russians hope to find out exactly what went wrong so the next poisoning goes smoother.
- Israel has stepped up preparations for a possible military incursion into Gaza over concerns that fighting between Palestinian factions may lead to renewed attacks on Israel. One Gaza resident displayed the warning signs that have concerned Israel, telling local reporters recently: "You know, I really miss the days of kidnapped Israelis being dragged through these streets, rather than my local Hamas or Fatah representative."
- A Saudi Arabian court has convicted and sentenced 20 foreigners to receive lashes and spend several months in prison for attending a party where alcoholic drinks were served and men and women danced. The 20 foreigners attempted the 'Bringing SexyBack' defence.
- A spate of company takeover activity by foreign venture capitalists has sparked a debate in Switzerland about the intentions behind the deals. Taking large chunks of Swiss sectors, foreign investors are moving in on acquisitions in bigger deals. The concerned Swiss are now pining for the good old days when ill gotten Nazi treasures along with foreign dictators and organised world crime gang funds were simply deposited in their banks without them knowing.
- The Iraqi government said on Sunday that half the Sunni Muslim militants behind the bombings shaking the country had arrived through neighboring Syria. Hoping for a better life, the Sunni immigrants had fled to Iraq to pursue their goals of warring against the enemy Shiites with their foreign Persian masters while also randomly targeting the 'henchmen of the Zionists'. When asked about his future plans, one Sunni militant replied "Well I sometimes have to pinch myself, I'm living the dream right here."
February 3 in the news.....
- Fatah and Hamas clashed at Cabinet ministries, universities and security headquarters Saturday in defiance of a truce that was to have calmed the seething Gaza Strip. Twelve people were wounded by late morning, hospital officials said, and Fatah said Hamas kidnapped 40 of its security officials at roadblocks. Meanwhile across the world, kids anxiously await a video game based on it.
- Italy is in shock after football violence claimed a second life in six days and brought a halt to all Italian championships until further notice. Scores of people were also injured as fans fought running battles with police for several hours. German soccer fans shook their heads and said they would send their own soccer fans to aid the Italian ones and end the battles with police in half the time.
- President George W Bush seeks $100 billion for wars in 2007, and a spokesman for the President said if he doesn't get it he will stamp his feet and whinge that muslims get to war whenever they want. Congress responded by asking if every muslim jumped off a cliff would he do it but Bush refused to answer after 5000 militant muslims in the Middle East committed suicide this way anticipating a yes.
- French President Jacques Chirac said this week in a speech that he was not overly worried if Iran had a nuclear weapon or two. The French President said he was not overly worried if Iranians threatened Paris. Chirac said he would work with the Iranians instead. He also was not overly worried if France's name changed to French Iran.
- US intelligence experts painted a gloomy picture of Iraq in a report Friday, but US stupidity experts painted a fantastic one, with the guys from Jackass praising the idiocy of the sectarian insurgency.