Thursday, November 30, 2006

November 30 in the news....

  • Africa, a continent usually synonymous with hunger, is falling prey to obesity. It's a trend driven by new lifestyles and old beliefs that big is beautiful. Combined with AIDS, civil war, hunger issues, and playing chicken with lions, it's a new strategy in Africa's attempt to extinguish itself through stupidity.

  • Russia has agreed to shut down and other music sites based in that country that the U.S. government says are offering downloads illegally. It is uncertain how many of the hosts have been killed so far.

  • Embattled Labor leader Kim Beazley is expected to reshuffle his front bench after Christmas, with ex-Midnight Oil frontman Peter Garrett likely to be promoted. Garrett is expected to bring a strong music writing capability and scary dance moves.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

November 29 in the news

  • A recent study says that women talk three times as much as men. It also discovered that this is due to the time it takes to explain the same thing.

  • Greg Chappell hasn't been this popular since he told his kid brother Trevor to bowl underarm against New Zealand in 1981. The Indian parliament is in uproar and mobs are burning Chappell effigies in the streets after another abysmal loss by the Indian cricket team, which is coached by the former Australian Test captain. Chappell has been warned by his cricketing peers that India could go 'Gandhi' on him.

  • Actress Pamela Anderson and her husband, recording star Kid Rock, filed for divorce from each other on Monday after just four months of marriage, according to court papers. Most importantly the divorce proceedings will work out who has the rights to sell the sex tapes online.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

November 26 in the news.....

  • Islamic Jihad claimed responsibility for firing at least three rockets at southern Israel from Gaza, just three hours after a ceasefire aimed at ending five months of bloodshed in the coastal strip took effect. Muslims blamed Jews in an unprecedented move.

  • After the death of a Russian spy opposed to President Putin in London, another recently murdered Russian, the anti-Kremlin journalist Anna Politkovskaya said of Putin seven months ago: “He is a real Soviet KGB officer. He’s a bit anti-Semitic, a little bit fascist. He doesn’t understand that a person has rights.” In other words, he's a Russian.

  • Just picked up at #42 in the National Draft, the AFL's first devout Muslim footballer will tell his Essendon teammates he prays five times a day, hates a beer and steers clear of nightclubs. He's predicted to last about two weeks.

  • A U.N. envoy urged Iraq's government on Saturday to halt a slide into civil war and stop the "cancer" of sectarianism from destroying the country. He urged the Iraqis to instead reconsider the "cancer" of UN corruption in its place.

  • Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas told Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert by telephone on Saturday that militant groups had agreed to cease attacks on Israel from the Gaza Strip, he did not say what they would do while they bided their time, but it is not expected to be very Christmassy.

  • Two men who say they were insulted by actor-comedian Michael Richards during his racist rant at a comedy club want a personal apology and maybe some money, their lawyer said Friday. In response, Michael Richards said through his attorney "You want some of my bling bling, nigger? Why don't you sell some crack or rob one of your local pimps, nigger. Look, I'm responding to a nigger!"

  • The Iraq insurgency has become financially self-sustaining, raising tens of millions of dollars a year from oil smuggling, kidnapping, counterfeiting, corrupt charities and other crimes, The New York Times reported in Sunday editions. The Germans have not commented, but were said to have laughed at the 'economic amateurs of hatred and death'.

  • Rwanda has cut diplomatic ties with France after a French judge called for Rwandan President Paul Kagame to be tried over the killing of a former leader 12 years ago. Rwanda is also threatening to cut the $12 in trade they have with them.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Kramer's Theme

Kramer enters Jerry's apartment and lets fly at the black man.

That wacky Kramer, what are ya gonna do!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

More November 22 in the news....

The fallout continues for the career of Seinfeld star Michael Richards after his outburst at two black men who heckled him onstage at a comedy club. It is also rumoured that the incident may have set back Jewish and African-American relations by about 20 minutes.

Michael Richards appeared on Letterman by video link and began explaining the "nasty things" said about "Afro-Americans," the audience couldn't help but chuckle at 'Kramer'. Jerry Seinfeld immediately scolded the crowd, saying "stop laughing, it ain't funny." But the crowd couldn't help themselves. It is reported that after this segment rap stars have so much 'whitey is racist' material that they intend to stop fighting each other for a few days and unite behind a common 'beef'. No word yet on how many times the Seinfeld theme will be sampled on Kramer diss tracks.

First Daughter Barbara Bush had her purse and cell phone stolen as she had dinner in a restaurant in Buenos Aires, Argentina. According to the reports, the Secret Service agents failed to notice the incident -- it is not known if they were too busy doing the tango with each other.

Out-of-wedlock births in the United States have climbed to an all-time high. In related news, NBA stars are losing more of their hefty paycheques to child support.

A taboo-breaking German comedy portraying Adolf Hitler as a bed wetter with erectile problems was designed to stir up a German public that has grown weary of serious films about the Nazi dictator, its director has said. It is the brainchild of a Jewish filmmaker. A German "Kramer' has yet to unleash an outburst at him.

November 22 in the news....

US forces are trapped in Iraq, UN Secretary General Kofi Annan said today, warning that Washington must find the right time to leave without plunging the country deeper into chaos. A lone protester stood outside the UN building in New York after Kofi's comments were revealed..... "You can talk, you can talk, you're brave now motherf**ker! Throw his ass out, he's a nigger! He's a nigger! He's a nigger! A nigger, look, there's a nigger!"

A recent survey said the most unfriendly country for tourists is now the USA. Upon hearing the news the French broke out the wine and cheese and had a celebration on the Champs-Élysées.

A Japanese submarine collided with a civilian cargo ship during exercises in waters off southern Japan Tuesday, defense officials said. There were no immediate reports of any injuries. The cause of the incident has been put down to Asian drivers.

Illinois Sen. Barack Obama, called this afternoon for troop withdrawal from Iraq starting next year and negotiations with Iran and Syria over the war-torn country's future. President Bush has yet to respond but a lone dissenter voiced his displeasure with Senator Obama... "Shut up! Fifty years ago we'd have you upside down with a f***ing fork up your ass!"

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

November 21 in the news

Muslim feminists from around the world vowed to create the first women's council to interpret the Koran and overcome two stereotypes about their religion: Muslims are terrorists and Islam oppresses women. Their efforts may also solidify a third stereotype: women should stay in the kitchen.

Massachusetts Democratic Sen. John Kerry said on Sunday he was still considering a second run for the White House in 2008, despite public criticism of what he has called a "botched joke" about the Iraq war. Responding to the news, Marines in Iraq said "And he thinks we're brainless."

Russia and the United States signed a bilateral deal on Sunday for Moscow's entry in the World Trade Organization, removing the last major obstacle in Russia's 13-year-old bid to join the global trade body. Critics of the move have not yet fallen ill and died.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

November 19 in the news.....

A book just being released says that 'right-wingers' outgive 'left-wingers' when it comes to charity. This process was reversed though when it involved marijuana.

Prime Minister John Howard has lashed out at what he called "leaders of pop culture" who complain about a lack of action on world poverty but fail to acknowledge the vast scope of gains made in developing economies. In a thinly-veiled reference to Bono, the lead singer of Irish super group U2, Mr Howard said anti-poverty campaigners often failed to understand that the best way out of poverty was through economic development and international trade. In response Bono reportedly questioned the wisdom of supporting sound economic reforms and an equal playing field for global trade since it wasn't popular for him to promote.

Reganbooks in the US plans to release an OJ Simpson book titled 'If I Did It' where OJ discusses how he would have murdered his wife....if he did it. For their next project they plan to release a book with the same title but this time with Osama Bin Laden.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

November 18 in the news....

Opposition Leader Kim Beazley committed a major blunder today, confusing grieving TV host Rove McManus with White House strategist Karl Rove. McManus's wife, actor Belinda Emmett, was farewelled at a funeral in Sydney today after succumbing to cancer last weekend at the age of 32. Mr Beazley began a press conference in Sydney by expressing his sympathy - but to the wrong Rove. Beazley quickly moved onto the next subject when it was raised that he had said the wrong name, calling for Australian troops to begin withdrawing from Iran.

A Frenchwoman has won the overwhelming backing of the main opposition Socialist Party in her bid to become the country's first female president. It was stressed that this was only a technicality though, France has been led by many women.

Touring Irish rock star Bono was critical of Australia's aid budget in a TV interview last night. He said that Prime Minister John Howard has "led your country to the bottom of the league table in terms of engagement with the world's poor, and I don't think that's an Australia people want to live in." Kim Beazley agreed with his remarks saying "I think John Howard should be all ears, Boner is a great spokesman for hardships many around the world face and I agree that we need to stand up."

Friday, November 17, 2006

November 17 in the news....

Nancy Pelosi, in line to become the next speaker of the U.S. House, will learn today whether her new clout is enough to swing the Democratic contest for majority leader to her personal choice for the post. If unsuccessful, she will binge on chocolate and ice cream while watching reruns of The Golden Girls.

Last night CNN’s Larry King confessed to Roseanne Barr that he’s never used the Internet. In return Roseanne Barr admitted to never using Slimfast.

China plans to answer international critics over its human rights record with an exhibition in Beijing showcasing how it protects the liberties of its citizens, state press said. Some of the displays the state press discussed were a man being executed by lethal injection for selling marijuana, a student being run over by a tank for disturbing the peace in Tiananmen Square, and hackers being barracaded in and then set alight at an Internet Cafe.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

November 16 in the news....

Queen Elizabeth announced she would visit the United States next year to mark the 400th anniversary of the first permanent English settlement in North America. Alarmingly, there were reports a Patriot planned to kill her for allowing the USA to win its independence and enforce taxation without representation on the now fifty colonies.

Former United States vice-president Al Gore described the US and Australia as the "Bonnie and Clyde" of the global climate crisis for failing to ratify the Kyoto Protocol. Except in his version nasty Clyde stole an election due to his exploits in Florida and that whore Bonnie mocked his advances.

America's military has been employed to rid Times Square of its pigeon problem. Soon to be Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi immediately called for their withdrawal in this 'unwinnable war' and backed calls from Democratic Senator John Kerry to put back in place the pigeon lady from 'Home Alone 2' to prevent a descent into further chaos.

November 15 in the news.....

In Nairobi, UN Chief Kofi Annan gave a speech highlighting how Global Warming was as dangerously destructive to the world as weapons of mass destruction in the hands of terrorists. After the speech, Islamists threatened to strike the Zionist enemy by increasing carbon emissions around Israel ten fold.

At a conference on teaching for the future educators said reading, writing and arithmetic alone aren't going to cut it in the Internet age. The "School of the Future World Summit" took place across the road from the "Bullying of the Future World Summit".

Pakistan's parliament began debate on Wednesday on a government attempt to amend Islamic laws on rape and adultery. Sydney-based Muslim cleric Sheik Taj Din al-Hilali - in another sermon at Lakemba Mosque - noted the developments and in a softening of his stance noted that any law change would be okay as long as the responsibility only fell from 90% of the time on the woman to 85%.

A French satellite dedicated solely to seeking out new planets beyond our solar system will be launched next month. Hopes for the mission come on the back of other great preplanned French achievements such as the Maginot Line and the Franco-Prussian War.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

November 14 in the news....

At a diabetes conference in Melbourne scientists warned that diabetes is such a threatening epidemic it could be responsible for wiping out all the Pacific Island peoples this century. Al Gore condemned the remarks, saying Global Warming will 'totally get them first'.

Scientists from Australia's CSIRO have invented a T-shirt that allows air guitarists to play real music. When asked what they plan to do next, one of the Aussie scientists said "I suppose we'll get around to trying to cure cancer now."

Iranian President Mahoud Ahmadinejad declared that Israel was destined to ‘disappearance and destruction’ at a council meeting with Iranian ministers. He said “The western powers created the Zionist regime in order to expand their control of the area." He then went on to say further "And the other supervillains - the cocky Superman and that pest Batman - will be next after the western powers. But we must grow stronger in order to defeat all their super-nefarious and super-ingenious plans against Islam."

Australia's cricket fans are already pushing the boundaries of the new hardline anti-racism laws after England bowler Monty Panesar - a bearded Sikh who wears a black patka - was called a "stupid Indian" during a tour match against New South Wales. He would have been offended by the comment, but he's currently studying for five degrees while working part time as a software programmer so 'the allegations had no truth to them'.

Students looking for a break on Wall Street are being offered a chance of an internship with investment bank Morgan Stanley if they can shine -- on screen. Morgan Stanley is taking part in a contest organized by Sony Columbia Pictures in which applicants create a five-minute video resume. The company has already received a dozen videos of suited youngsters snorting coke with $100 bills while having two naked women rub up against them in their Manhattan apartment.

San Francisco withdrew its bid for the 2016 Olympics on Monday just days after the city's professional football team said it would not build a new stadium that would have been a centerpiece of the bid. The liberal capital of America had already planned its slogan: 'The Gayest Olympics Ever!'

In a bid to become fair dinkum, Microsoft has given Aussies a go too and included national colloquialisms in the Office 2007 Australian dictionary. G'day came out on top with 2868 votes, followed by sickie (2152), ute (1912), trackies (1597) and bogan (1557). No word yet on whether 'Bill Gates is a wanker' will be spellchecked correctly though.

Monday, November 13, 2006

November 13 in the news....

It was reported in Japan that a 10-year-old girl was extorted out of ¥100,000 ($1108) by eight schoolmates. She had reported the matter to the board of education in Kitakyushu, southern Japan, as “financial trouble” rather than bullying. In related news, Santa Claus received an early Christmas letter from the USA with "electoral trouble" written on the front.

Academics and analysts said on Friday that black candidates in the U.S. midterm elections moved toward the political center, seeking more votes in the process, the move to the centre meant praising Jay-Z for his moderation and bipartisanship with Nas and dissing 50 Cent for his extremism.

Embattled Sydney-based Muslim cleric Sheik Taj Din al-Hilali vowed he will not resign, complaining he is a victim of media propaganda and exaggeration. Newspaper commentators shot back by calling his comments 'immodestly dressed' and he was some 'uncovered meat' for their newscycle fodder.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

November 12 in the news.....

In a recent interview Sir Elton John speaks about how he wants religion banned completely -- because he believes it promotes hatred of gays. He didn't speak of wanting to ban AIDS, STD's, drug use, suicide rates, the high murder rates or any of the major issues plaguing the gay community because that is God's job.

President Bush marked Veterans Day by praising U.S. troops who have fought oppression around the world, yet spoke only briefly about Iraq, where U.S. commanders are re-evaluating strategy. Democratic Senator John Kerry said "Just as well, you don't hear people in conversation about those who use the handicapped spaces at shopping malls do you?"

Just days after Democrats took over Congress, Americans embraced their top goals and President George W. Bush's job approval rating slid to 31 percent. President Bush pleaded "please, I've admitted mistakes, I've shown an open mind, I've admitted it was a thumping, why am I still sinking?" He then looked over at his mate Prime Minister John Howard who stood there shaking his head, reportedly mumbling 'weak cunt'.

Police patrolling Flemington racecourse during Melbourne Cup Week have reported an "alarming" surge in underage drinking. In other surprising news across Australia, people are shopping for food, going to work, and complaining about petrol prices.

A German tourist has been arrested after allegedly taking photos of naked children on the NSW central coast. In his defence he argued that he was German.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

November 9 2006 in the news.....

Democrats won an upset victory in Virginia today, giving them control of the US Senate and House for the first time since 1994, just hours after Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld became the first casualty of the mid-term election rout. The party got off to a big start as Michael Moore bonged 15 beers and ran naked through Manhattan - news headlines in New York were swift "The 9/11 of Indecency".

Prime Minister John Howard said today that the retirement of Mr Rumsfeld was a matter for the US, but it seemed to be “a gesture acknowledging the unease that some people felt". Australian Defence Minister Brendan Nelson said Mr Rumsfeld was “a true champion of freedom" with a distinguished record of service. New Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi added further by calling him 'a vicious front-footed Pro-Anglosphere enabler who never once told me how good I looked since I've been in politics.'

U.S. forces killed 38 suspected insurgents and wounded nine in fighting in northern Baghdad that lasted nearly an hour-and-a-half on Sunday, the U.S. military said on Wednesday. Democratic Senator John Kerry - at a post-celebration party after hearing the news - told awaiting media "those morons better enjoy it while they can, we're bringing home the American retards with the big guns at first chance."

One day after Britney Spears filed for divorce from husband Kevin Federline, the fledgling rapper responded on Wednesday with court papers seeking spousal support and custody of their two children. The divorce had been in the works since Britney was reportedly heard at a recent Halloween party screaming at him “you’re useless - you’re a nobody”. Democratic Senator John Kerry chimed in on the situation commenting "that guy should have been in Iraq."

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

November 7 2006 in the news.....

The world's driest inhabited continent was in the grip of the worst drought in 1,000 years, a river management expert told Australia's political leaders. Prime Minster John Howard said "You say worst drought in a thousand years, I don't think anybody really knows that," adding that he was not a scientist. "It's a very bad drought." The river management expert did try to consult historians in the Aboriginal community to verify the claim, but a tribal elder held up a boomerang and said "this is all we were able to do in the last thousand years white man."

Nicaragua's former Marxist guerrilla-president Daniel Ortega is almost certain to complete a long climb back to power on Tuesday with an election win that could upset his old Cold War enemy, the United States. Ortega is not bitter about what happened throughout the 1980's though, he has backed a trade deal with the United States, and would also like to see a return of the Lakers-Celtics rivalry, Michael Jackson back at the top of the music charts, and some of that 'Miami Vice style' on the streets of Nicaragua.

As the hours count down to the election results in the US, Democrats put leaders like former President Bill Clinton, former Vice President Al Gore and Illinois Sen. Barack Obama on the campaign trail to drum up votes in the final hours. At a rally in the northern Virginia suburbs of Washington, Clinton accused Republican leaders of putting tax cuts ahead of spending on security and social programs. Democratic Senator John Kerry chimed in too by adding "And they put a bunch of American idiots with guns into Iraq."

Two days after he was sentenced to death for crimes against humanity in the town of Dujail in 1982, former Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein was back in court for his second trial Tuesday. Outside court a spokesman for Saddam said "He is hoping to grab a lesser sentence out of this one. We're looking for a lethal injection this time."

Spain's state prosecutor is calling for a record 270,000 years in jail for 29 people due to stand trial in February for the Madrid train bombings which killed 191 people, a judicial source said. Some of the seven main suspects could face prison terms of up to 40,000 years if these sentences are handed down - and with good behaviour the suspects could be out of jail by the next ice age.

Actor Eric Bana made a promise to Steve Irwin that he would play his role in a movie about the famed Crocodile Hunter. Other roles remain undecided as of now but it is reported that feminist Germaine Greer has put her hand up to play the stingray.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

November 4 2006 in the news.....

Prime Minister John Howard's hand-picked nuclear energy taskforce will find that a nuclear industry could be commercially viable within 15 years. The report means that the skills gap Australia has in key nuclear fields will have to be addressed, especially in the area of running a nuclear power station while dealing with a bad hangover.

With just days left till voting begins, actor Michael J Fox continues headlining rallies for Democratic Senate candidates as part of his campaign for embryonic stem cell research. On the other side of the political spectrum Mr. Strickland has stumped for Republicans, labelling Fox's candidates "slackers." And independents got a boost later on today when Biff Tannen told both sides of the stem cell debate to "make like a tree and get outta here."

President Bush has been helping out Republicans by campaigning on the strength of the economy, fighting back John Kerry attempted to help the Democrats today by stating "We may get stuck with a growing economy under the most crooked, you know, lying group ever seen. It's scary."

Six Arab states announced that they were embarking on programmes to master atomic technology, sparking fears of a future Arab nuclear bomb. Not surprisingly, the delivery method will involve camel technology.

Neil Patrick Harris - the actor most famous for his role as Doogie Howser MD - has declared that he is "a very content gay man living my life to the fullest." The three viewers who didn't think this when Doogie was a popular TV sitcom are said to be in shock at the news.

Hot pants and miniskirts will soon be legal in South Korea. The country is in the final stages of revising an indecency law that prohibits people from wearing revealing outfits and was once enforced by ruler-wielding police during authoritarian governments in the 1970s, officials said. Sheik Taj Din al-Hilali during his latest sermon at Lakemba Mosque has declared to his followers that rape is legal now in South Korea, and that "Young Asian cat meat is better than young Aussie cat meat."

Friday, November 03, 2006

November 3 2006 in the news

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez's lead over his main rival ahead of the Dec. 3 presidential election narrowed in October, today Chavez got a further boost when John Kerry turned up at a stump speech and told Venezuelans "You know, education, if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. If you don't, you get stuck emigrating to the USA."

Controversial Mufti of Australia Sheik Taj Din al-Hilali has called for a jury of Australian people to judge him for the content of a Ramadan speech delivered last month in which he compared immoderately dressed women to meat that invites rape. If found guilty the Sheik has promised to do 600 hours of community service at a woman's organisation. There is no word yet on how many he plans to rape if given the duty of swimming coach.

A recent survey of Britons has found that they believe US President George W. Bush poses a greater danger to peace than North Korea's Kim Jong-il, while in the USA a counter survey of Americans found they believe all Britons who participated had poor dental hygiene, and yet another counter survey - this time Down Under - found that Aussies believe Britons will continue pomming and whinging about world issues, especially with the impending loss of The Ashes.

Four urinals shaped like a woman's lips went on sale on eBay today after being removed from a public toilet in Vienna following protests from women's groups who said they were sexist, there is still no word yet on how much Sheik Taj Din al-Hilali is willing to bid for them.

Living standards for the people of Fiji will be diminished if the military stages the island nation's fourth coup in 20 years, Foreign Minister Alexander Downer has warned. When asked at the airport a departing Aussie tourist responded to Downer's comments by asking "But the bars at the resorts will still be open past midnight right?"

Scientists believe all seafood could run out by 2050 if current trends of overfishing and pollution continue, the issue may force the Greeks of Australia to turn solely to Fruit and Veg operations, abandoning their stranglehold on the Fish 'n' Chip shop market completely. The issue may also force Indonesians to just loiter in Australian waters illegally.

Microsoft is considering pulling out of China due to repressive government policies there. With the possibility of such an action being taken it is rumoured Bill Gates is considering other ways to meet the payments on his mortgage.

It has emerged that hip hop mogul Diddy wants to become the first black Bond, in this movie James Bond uses his security guards to beat up Q after the ghetto blaster radio rocket launcher almost kills him, Miss Moneypenny becomes Bond's private pole dancer while on assignment, his preferred drink changes from a martini shaken not stirred to a 40 ounce in a brown paper bag, and James Bond falls into a beef with 50 Cent.