Saturday, March 31, 2007

Sunday, April 1 in the news.....

  • Confessed al-Qaeda terrorist David Hicks will be free by New Year's Eve after signing a plea deal to serve just nine months behind bars. The Salisbury North native can't wait to get back to Adelaide and start hitting the pokies and telling fat chain-smoking bogans about the benefits of Islam.

  • Eight cars plunged through a thin layer of ice on Lake Baikal in Siberia today, Russian disaster control services said. Fishermen had driven their cars out onto the lake, they said. The ice on the world's deepest lake had been too thin to carry the weight of cars after the unusually mild winter. Al Gore blamed global warming, global warming skeptics blamed driving over a lake.

  • A top aide to Pope Benedict has blasted the media for highlighting the Vatican's views on sex while maintaining a "deafening silence" about charity work done by thousands of Catholic organisations around the world. The media, in response, said that if the nun killed in Somalia by Islamist terrorists had of come out of the closet as a lesbian rather than forgiving her killers as she lay dying on the ground that would have been news worthy about the Vatican.

Saturday, March 31 in the news.....

  • Iranian television said on Friday it would broadcast the "confessions" of one of the 15 British sailors held in Iran. Advertisers of beard maintenance products are fighting for the commerical time with prices reaching 'US Superbowl' levels.

  • One of the 15 British service members held captive in Iran appeared Friday on state television and said he apologized "deeply" for entering Iranian waters. British Prime Minister Tony Blair, whose government has insisted that its navy personnel were captured in Iraqi waters, immediately condemned Iran's treatment of the captives, saying it "doesn't fool anyone." There is much criticism of Britain, with questions arising as to why they allowed Iranian Revolutionary Guards to arrest their personnel when they were not in Iranian waters or doing anything illegally, especially with the firepower they had. The USA released a statement regarding the situation Britain has fell into with Iran, saying 'this is how they lost America to us, bunch of almost-Frenchmen.'

  • A Swiss man was sentenced to 10 years in jail on Thursday for defacing images of Thai royalty, a rare prison term for a foreigner convicted under Thailand's tough lese-majeste laws. The Swiss man told awaiting media outside that he should have stayed in Switzerland managing the secret bank accounts of international drug dealers, dictators, Nazi sympathisers and foreign government-sanctioned murderers, rather than drawing nudie bits on pictures of an Asian King.

  • Rebels shot down a helicopter in Mogadishu on Friday and Ethiopia said its forces had killed 200 insurgents in a two-day joint offensive with Somali troops against Islamists and clan militia. Ethiopia was asked by Western media if they could continue to tolerate such attacks and resultant death tolls from Islamic terrorists, an Ethiopian spokesman responded "20 years ago we were starving and dying... now we're flying helicopters and dying! Sure beats no sandwiches motherfucker!"

  • China's development of modern modes of warfare including military uses of outer space and cyberspace have yielded impressive gains that require U.S. vigilance, experts told a congressional panel on Thursday. Chinese intelligence got a copy of the congressional panel discussion the same way they got their gains in outer space and cyberspace technology.

  • Russian efforts to obtain secrets on U.S. political and military decision-making have reached levels not seen since the Cold War, the top U.S. counterintelligence official said on Thursday. A U.S. official said "This is what happens when the Russians turn capitalist, they learn how to turn a profit with their eager consumers on former Soviet issues."

  • President Bush offered on Wednesday to give Moscow a detailed explanation of his plans for an anti-missile shield in Europe, the Kremlin said, as Washington tried to cool Russian anger over the scheme. The detailed explanation involved the following: 'Give radical muslims in Iran the ability to produce nukes we give pissed off former Soviet states the ability to destroy your missiles, okay dirty bitches? Now go tell the world media how big your dick really is or how you can get around that shield, whichever comes first.'

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Wednesday, March 28 in the news.....

  • A Russian businessman allied with Ukraine's president was killed by a sniper Tuesday as he was escorted from a courthouse during a break in his extortion trial, a government official said. The trial's conclusion marked Ukraine's shift back towards the intricacies of the Russian justice system.

  • Attorneys for polygamist sect leader Warren Jeffs will ask the Utah Supreme Court to overturn a judge's ruling that Jeff's criminal trial should stay in the county where his group is based. Jeffs spoke up himself stating that all his wives are on their periods at the moment and to 'give him a break' on this one.

  • Britain turned up the heat on Iran on Wednesday, releasing evidence it said showed 15 military personnel captured last week were operating in Iraqi waters and freezing bilateral contacts until the crisis is resolved. Iran countered by insisting that British marines and sailors were inside Iranian waters and said the governments of both countries could settle the matter through "close cooperation". Britain took this as meaning 'please don't turn your mate Uncle Sam on us, we only want to deal with you limp-wristed Poms.'

  • 2500 retired Gurkha soldiers staged a mass protest in London today over Britain's refusal to give them full pensions and other rights. It was the scariest group of men at any rally ever staged in the Western World - the police called on to keep order all wet their pants.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Tuesday, March 27 in the news.....

  • Efforts to secure the release of 15 Royal Navy personnel held by Iran will enter a "different phase" if diplomatic moves fail, Tony Blair has said. Downing Street said the UK could end up releasing evidence proving the group had not ventured into Iranian waters. Iran, in response, intended to release evidence that showed Benny Hill did eventually catch and then rape some of those women after the fast music stopped.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Monday, March 26 in the news......

  • The U.S. presidential candidates have friends in corporate America fanning out across the country raising millions of dollars for their 2008 bids, ranging from Washington lobbyists to Wall Street financiers. Barack Obama sent out his roving band of prostitutes to work the streets.

  • Britain's royal family denied newspaper reports on Sunday that Prince Harry had lunged at a photographer after leaving a club during a drunken night out in central London. Rather, they said, he posed for happy snaps then invited all back for tea and crumpets at the manor.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Saturday, March 24 in the news.....

  • A new English-language interpretation of the Muslim Holy book the Koran challenges the use of words that feminists say have been used to justify the abuse of Islamic women. The new version, translated by an Iranian-American, will be published in April and comes after Muslim feminists from around the world gathered in New York last November vowing to create the first women's council to interpret the Koran. The book tour of the Muslim World will begin soon and is expected to be a bloodbath.

  • Germany's youngest celebrity, Knut the polar bear cub, made his much-anticipated public debut at Berlin Zoo on Friday and appeared unfazed by the media scrum surrounding his first excursion. Germans are calling it the cutest public display since Reinhard Heydrich hugged his mum.

  • Kobe Bryant became only the second player in NBA history to score 50 or more points in four consecutive games in leading the Los Angeles Lakers to a 111-105 road win over the New Orleans Hornets on Friday. When asked if he was 'going to Disneyland' after this achievement, Bryant responded "No. I'm going to Colorado."

  • Britain's crisis with Iran deepened last night after Tehran justified seizing 15 British servicemen by claiming that they had strayed into Iranian territorial waters 'illegally'. The crisis comes on the back of some high profile men tied to the Iranian Revolutionary Guards going missing which Iran blames on the West. In related news Myanmar snatched some Rocky DVDs from a US tourist sightseeing near the Andaman Sea and is awaiting government to government negotiations.

  • European Union leaders gathered in Berlin Saturday for the bloc's 50th birthday celebrations. Citizens of Berlin also celebrated the 62nd anniversary of vast rapings and pillagings by Russian soldiers.

  • Australian Test cricket legend and Indian coach Greg Chappell said Bob Woolmer's murder has him fearing for his life after his own team were bundled out early in the first round of the World Cup. Greg Chappell has been reassured by many Indians though that they do things Gandhi style and Indians are not dirty muslim bastards whose country accommmodates the Taliban and Osama.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Wednesday, March 21 in the news.....

  • Two marks on the throat of Pakistan cricket coach Bob Woolmer and signs of a violent struggle in his hotel room have Jamaican police keen to question the entire Pakistan cricket team about his possible murder. Former Umpire Darrell Hair has voluntered to conduct the investigation.

  • Tom Cruise is set to star in an untitled thriller based on an attempt to assassinate Adolf Hitler at the height of World War II. In the film Cruise tries to kill Hitler by lecturing him about the perils of psychiatry before professing his love for Katie Holmes.

Tuesday, March 20 in the news.....

  • U.S. restaurant chain Hooters, known for waitresses in low-cut blouses and short skirts, will open its first branch in Israel this summer, in the Mediterranean seaside city of Tel Aviv. Palestinian men dining there in trench coats will face less scrutiny and more 'understanding'.

  • Blockbuster Inc. Chairman and Chief Executive John Antioco will leave the video rental chain by year-end after resolving a dispute over his 2006 bonus award, the company said on Tuesday. He was not supposed to get the bonus due to a back catalogue of late returns beginning in the 90's.

  • Two hundred years after Britain abolished the slave trade, it is home to thousands of men, women and children who have been tricked, coerced or intimidated into prostitution or forced labor. The US has told Britain until a few prostitutes convert to Islam and start rapping about their past while blaming white Christian men progress will not be made in highlighting this problem.

  • A photograph of a young Australian policewoman's breasts, sent to her boyfriend as a get well message on her mobile phone, has sparked an investigation after it was circulated on internal police e-mail. "She has sent an image to her boyfriend and obviously he has done the wrong thing and forwarded it on," a Victoria Police spokeswoman told AAP. The boyfriend's relationship with police improved significantly except for one officer.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Sunday, March 18 in the news.....

  • Donald Trump has said in an interview that President Bush may be the worst President of all time. In response, countless investors called Donald Trump the President Bush of business.

  • Mexican police seized at least $150 million in cash believed to be the proceeds of drug smugglers found inside a mansion in a luxurious residential area. They also found a huge stash of nachos estimated to be worth about 10 baseball games for fat guys in the USA.

  • German police said on Thursday they were investigating four youths for spraying sheep with swastikas, the cross-like symbol used by the Nazis. Scholars noted how Nazism had come a long way from invading France and the Soviet Union.

  • The descendants of an 18th century British Admiral shot by firing squad after his failure to "do his utmost" to defeat the French are pressing the government to grant him a posthumous pardon. The British defence establishment sympathised but said there was no chance, saying that if he wasn't British they would just laugh at him for fleeing from the French.

  • A Russian woman paid a hitman to kill her 17-year-old son because she was fed up with sharing her small one-room apartment in the Moscow area with him, the newspaper Izvestia reported on Wednesday. President Putin has asked her to serve as his foreign minister.

  • Hundreds of Pakistani lawyers in business suits hurled stones at police after officers fired tear gas to disrupt a meeting at Lahore's High Court to protest moves to sack the country's top judge. International observers were shocked that Pakistani lawyers could stoop so low as to wear Western business suits.

  • Germany sent a thinly veiled warning to the United States on Saturday not to try to split Europe into "old" and "new" with its plans to deploy parts of an anti-missile defense system in Poland and the Czech Republic. The USA responded by saying 'Hey if you don't like it why not invade Poland and annex the Czechs and we'll join the Poms firebombing you Bavarian folk dancing Krauts again?'

  • Struggling Republican presidential candidate John McCain dusted off the "Straight Talk Express" bus and rolled through Iowa this week. His Straight Talk this time involved telling 'a dopey bitch she can't drive and to get the fuck out the way'.

  • It has been discovered that landing speed was the main cause of an Indonesian plane crash that killed 21 people including 5 Australians this month. It was also discovered the other main cause was Indonesians flying it.

  • Spanish matador Fernando Cruz suffered horrific groin injuries this week after a bull's horns tore into his upper thigh and eviscerated his testicles. He stood up after and saluted around the ring in victory to the crowd's delight, minus his balls.

  • A brothel in Germany hopes to capitalize on the growing number of retirees by offering them a 50 percent discount for sex in the afternoon. Any elderly men who can recite the Nuremberg Race Laws gets a 100% discount.

  • A 91-year-old German sparked a rescue operation when he slipped mending his roof and got stuck fast in tar "like a beetle on its back," police said on Tuesday. "When we got there, he was like a beetle on its back, with his arms and legs sprawled out and completely glued to the roof," he added. "Due to his age, he couldn't free himself from his unfortunate situation." Due to the deficiency of humour in Germany the 91 year old man has no David Letterman or Jay Leno late night show to go on and do things like this weekly.

  • A New York restaurateur has cooked up the world's most extravagant pizza -- a $1,000 pizza topped with six sorts of caviar and fresh lobster. If it's not delivered in 30 minutes it's free.

  • An ice storm wiped away the traditional green stripe painted on Fifth Avenue for the St. Patrick's Day parade Saturday. Five Irishmen got in a brawl with a weatherman.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Thursday, March 15 in the news.....

  • Mexican President Felipe Calderon yesterday criticized the 850 miles of border fence that President Bush and Congress approved last year, saying there are better ways to stop illegal immigration into the USA. The President went on to say that if he loses his job the fence 'makes it that much harder for me to find work too'.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Chinese Edition Wednesday, March 14 in the news....

  • Spitting, pollution, dirty toilets, text messages advertising weapons and a nationalistic sports media -- Beijing officials admitted on Wednesday they had many problems to face some 500 days before the Olympics open. Not only that, they still have to murder some 10,000 Falun Gong supporters.

  • China will tighten controls on Internet blogs and webcasts in a response to new technologies that have allowed cyber citizens to avoid government censorship efforts, in an apparent 'Great Internet Firewall' state press reported Tuesday. Mongolian hackers laughed at their efforts.

  • The use of organs from executed prisoners in China is strictly regulated and happens only in exceptional cases, state media reported Wednesday. The regulations concern what is needed and therefore who should be executed, the exceptional cases referring to Communist Party members.

  • Taiwan has recently ignited a spark of tension when President Chen Shui-bian began to talk once again of independence. Chen said the self-ruled island should pursue independence and change its official title from the "Republic of China." When asked what he would change it to, Chen responded "I dunno, The Real China?"

  • China will face huge job pressures this year with 12 million urban dwellers expected to be out of work. Reebok says it's moving its operations to Vietnam.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Tuesday, March 13 in the news....

  • Kim Jong-Il's son has reportedly been robbed in Macau. The eldest known son of the dictator is not on the best of terms with his father since 2001, when he was deported from Japan for trying to enter the country on a fake passport to visit Tokyo Disneyland. Apparently he was not tall enough to ride any of the rides and cursed his dad out for it to authorities.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Monday, March 12 in the news.....

  • Islamic militants threatened to attack Germany and Austria unless the two European nations break ranks with the U.S. and withdraw their personnel from Afghanistan, according to a Web statement. The U.S. warned the militants they would not be able to defend them after this move.

  • A spot check by federal agents has identified street gang members in Southern California jails who are illegal immigrants subject to deportation. Violent gangs are rife in this part of the state and crime is increasing as a crackdown gets under way. In related news the lawless tribal region Waziristan in Pakistan, wants sister city status with Los Angeles.

  • A Chinese lawmaker revived calls for the removal of a Starbucks coffee shop from Beijing's famed Forbidden City, saying its presence was a smear on China's historical legacy. Starbucks wasn't the issue though, it was the fact that it was owned by 'a group of goddamn Mongolians'.

  • The EU's environment commissioner has called for a maximum speed limit on German highways to slow down the notoriously swift traffic on the nation's autobahns. Police are expected to enforce, and German motorists are expected to cause them maximum confusion in the ensuing blitzkrieg.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Sunday, March 11 in the news.....

  • US President George W. Bush arrived in Brazil Thursday amid protests at his visit that turned violent at the start of his five-nation Latin America tour. Soccer balls had to be dispersed to quell the rioting.

  • The head of the Australian Federal Police disaster victim identification team in the Indonesian city of Yogyakarta announced last night that the remains of all five Australians feared dead in Wednesday's Garuda Airlines crash had been identified. Meanwhile, the new tourism campaign for Indonesia has begun Down Under with the main slogan being: "Tsunamis, earthquakes, plane crashes, Islamist terrorism... you'll never never know if you never never go!"

  • Osama bin Laden, if he's alive, celebrated his 50th birthday yesterday, and his friends in the Taliban prayed for his long life. A spokesman for the group said they hoped he would live 'for 200 years'. Apparently Osama has recently been on eBay looking for Michael Jackson's oxygen chamber.

  • Environmentalism is a religion that is based more on political ambitions than science, the president of the Czech Republic warned Friday. Environmentalists rioted around the globe after the Czech President then showed a comic strip mocking Al Gore.

  • Five Europeans kidnapped in remote northern Ethiopia are safe and in a good condition, the Ethiopian government said on Friday. The kidnappers are demanding sandwiches for their release.

Friday, March 09, 2007

Friday, March 9 in the news......

  • Australia and Japan are about to embark on their most wide-ranging military and intelligence-sharing agreement. In the 50th anniversary year of the signing of the post-war trade pact, Tokyo and Canberra will agree on a joint security declaration that promises to transform defence relations between the two countries. The move has worried China, who remain concerned, and this has prompted the Dalai Lama to note "Ha ha bitches, how you like that shit?"

  • A 43-year-old German decided to settle his imminent divorce by chainsawing a family home in two and making off with his half in a forklift truck. Police in the eastern town of Sonneberg said the trained mason measured the single-storey summer house before chainsawing through the wooden roof and walls. He has already received business investment interest in this idea from other soon-to-be divorced men who would like to hire him.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Wednesday, March 7 in the news....

  • A Russian reporter who died after falling out of a window was investigating sales of weapons by Russia to Syria and Iran, his newspaper Kommersant said Tuesday. There are now rumours that the next extreme sport to be embraced by youth worldwide is to try and expose President Putin's activities.

  • Alan Greenspan risked stirring renewed controversy on Tuesday when he told the Bloomberg news agency that there was a 'one-third probability' of a US recession this year. The former Federal Reserve chairman's comments are starkly at odds with the relatively upbeat assessment made by Ben Bernanke, his successor, in testimony to Congress last week. In fact, Ben Bernanke went so far as to bet Greenspan he was wrong, printing up a billion dollars to raise the stakes and challenging Greenspan to print up his own.

  • The French Constitutional Council has approved a law that criminalizes the filming or broadcasting of acts of violence by people other than professional journalists. The law will be retroactive and the French have already denied that there were any professional journalists at the World Cup final when Zinedine Zidane got sent off.

  • Visitors to Queensland could soon be bombarded with surf safety messages on aircraft, at airports and on roads as part an initiative to reduce the number of drownings on the state's beaches. The state government hopes the message gets through, and that Queenslanders just stick to party drugs while at the beach.

  • Nearly the entire collection of a long-closed archive of Nazi records will be ready for research within a year. The core documents - incarceration records, death catalogues, concentration camp registries and transportation lists - will be digitally scanned and ready for transfer. It is considered to be at the top of gift ideas for Neo-Nazi's this Christmas.

  • China's stability could be threatened if the government tried to curb smoking, a senior official said on Wednesday at a discussion of the annual meeting of parliament. The threat had one official suggesting that maybe to keep chaos in check China should be divided into smoking and non-smoking sections, using the Great Wall.

  • A moose, apparently annoyed by being shot with a tranquilliser dart, charged the rear rotor of a hovering helicopter in Alaska, colliding with it and eventually bringing it down to the ground. The US is blaming Canada for allowing moose to enter through its border, condemning them for secretly supporting their migration, but stopping short of planned retaliatory air strikes on moose habitats in British Columbia.

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Saturday, March 3 in the news.....

  • A valuable painting stolen more than three decades ago has been found in Steven Spielberg's art collection. Spielberg, director of hit movies like ET and Schindler's List, was "cooperating fully" and will retain possession of the painting while its rightful ownership is determined, the FBI said. Well the FBI did discover who originally owned it, and Spielberg is allowed to keep it - it was a distant relative of his from Germany in the early 1940s.

  • The German space agency is reportedly preparing for a mission to the moon. At the same time it is contemplating a mission to Mars. German experts are concerned that opening up a two-front space exploration project could leave Germany vulnerable against aliens. The experts were overruled.

  • Six baseball players died when a bus carrying a team crashed in Atlanta, the world mourned their loss, which means the USA in baseball championship series speak.

  • Pakistan was braced on Saturday for reprisals from militants after the arrest of one of the Taliban's three most senior leaders earlier this week. He was picked up for jaywalking and the exiled Taliban leader Mullah Omar is not happy, telling confidants that Allah declares whether or not a pedestrian light is green.

  • A senior Taliban commander said in remarks broadcast on Friday that the Afghan Islamist group was sending fighters to Iraq to support anti-U.S. insurgents. He did not say if they were flying them first class or economy to save insurgency cash.

  • Astronaut Lisa Nowak, who stunned colleagues by driving from Houston to Orlando in a diaper to confront a woman she thought was a love rival, was charged with attempted kidnapping but not with attempted murder on Friday, prosecutors said. The left out charge of attempted murder left many in the U.S. angry, as did leaving out attempted shitting of pants while listening to Michael Bolton's Greatest Hits.

  • An Al Qaeda-linked Iraqi militant group said on Friday it had killed 18 policemen it seized in Diyala province after the government ignored demands it made for their release. Their demands included the banning of Gillette Mach3 and outlawing of insults involving their clothes such as 'a dress unfashionable frumpy chicks wear'.

  • Archaeologists have discovered what appears to be a marketplace in Athens from the 4th or 5th century B.C. Experts believe many boys were traded here.

  • French President Jacques Chirac on Saturday renewed Paris's attack on EU Trade Commissioner Peter Mandelson, accusing him of weakness in negotiating new trade rules. The EU Commissioner won the battle, and is now negotiating for the spoils of French assets.

Friday, March 02, 2007

Friday, March 2 in the news.....

  • A German man who spent 10 days in a self-made box atop a 22m high pole to protest a looming jail term was lured off his perch by his wife – who sent up a topless picture of herself in his lunch box. When asked about it the man said "Well that was a great picture, I don't know why she had to take her top off for the pose though, after 10 days isolated, a Hitler salute always turns me on."

  • Australian Reconstruction Task Force 2 Commanding Officer Lieutenant Colonel Harry Jarvie said today that fears of a Taliban spring offensive in Afghanistan have been overstated, with threats from the Islamic militia little more than empty rhetoric. The Lieutenant Colonel has said they've done such a great job hyping it though that he has bestowed their leaders an honorary membership in the Australasian Order of Bullshit Artists.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Thursday, March 1 in the news.....

  • Global stock markets staged a cautious recovery on Wednesday as Wall Street rallied a day after its worst slide since 2001 and other markets partially recovered from heavy early losses. But renewed jitters are spooking brokers and investors with the threat of more losses, and leading financial analysts are predicting further lean times in the short term for hookers and cocaine dealers in Manhattan.

  • China's Foreign Ministry likened U.S. doubts about Chinese defense spending on Thursday to a peeping tom poking through Beijing's underwear. Spokesman Qin Gang told reporters: "If someone always tears through your clothes and even wants to lift open your underwear, saying 'Let me see what's inside', how would you feel? Would you want to call the police?" It is uncertain if he was alluding to silk or cotton panties, and whether the U.S. was doing it from behind and under, or in front and over.