Friday, November 20, 2009

Tales from America, Chapter I

It was a bright Autumn day in October, and the clocks were striking thirteen. Well early afternoon American time then.

There it was, Cincinnati. I felt the glow of love. Actually, just sighted a bunch of suburbs out the window that looked so well ordered. Then there was the huge Wal-Mart we flew over, I knew this was Heartland America, because unions would kick Wal-Mart's arse if this was Los Angeles or New York City.

I hit the ground and there was the Chk-Fil-A, I wasn't hungry. I wasn't hungry! I still have regrets. I WASN'T HUNGRY. Oh man I need to forget not trying it.

So it took 38 minutes from Ohio to Tennessee. Delta got me there. Then I had to figure out if this Josh character was gonna show. He did. In a huge truck. It was like, "Hey there Aussie, I'm an American libertarian but I guzzle petrol like a Dick Cheney conservative motherfucker did you think I didn't?" So I got in that big arse truck and we rode.

We rode.

I got to my hotel, in downtown Nashville, it was like Elvis was still there cause this was old and I was a New Jack Swinger. But I stashed my luggage and then was like, let's eat, in America this is code for, let's eat. So me and my American Interpreter hit the foodspot and by that I mean Five Guys. If you called a restaurant Five Guys in Australia you'd be called a poofter, but in America it was some good burgers! I got my burger from a black guy with Snoop Dogg hair, I said "motherfucker you are a future diss track in a playa's song don't you know this?" but only in my head. Those were some good burgers!

After trying to jump in the driver's side of the truck, for the second time, I then went to a college pub. A college pub! And it had a perfect blondie in orange baseball cap serving drinks. Oh yeah where's Girls Gone Wild I know America! But here was the sticker about this so-called pub, they billed you at the end of the night! Man this place would be out of business after a few hours in Australia! After me and Josh had finished barracking for the New York Yankees on the big screen, we had to go up to pay our bill, like be honest and s**t! Man wouldn't work in Australia.

So we got rolling, it was gonna be a big Saturday with college football....

Saturday cruising, a house in Franklin.

Arriving at Josh's house it was typical American suburbia, except without Corey Feldman listening to heavy metal in the house next door greeting me. We did not waste any time breaching the Man Cave for college football! His old man called it the Man Cave, twas not me!

American beer and college football on a Saturday afternoon.

Josh's family were the typical American sort, sure materially well-off but it was the exceptionalism without admitting it. 'The door was always open' as his mum said, this you don't get in Australia without the 'if you want to get bashed c**t' on the end of it.