Tales from America: The Nate Chronicles.

We hit the malls.

Josh took me to the heart of consumerism in the West. I shopped. "Feeling so so strong best believe I want it all, it all!" A black kid said 'wassup', I looked away but Josh said 'what's up dude' back, he assured me that this was an aberration and that black kids in Franklin are too rich to be gangsta. My white self from Australia felt comforted because Kobe Bryant doesn't act like that and Josh is my guide of these black people in this foreign land.



WRONG TURN. They have stops where you drive in and stop. To eat!

After night fell. It was time for..... Nate. I didn't want to get out of the car at Nate's! I wanted to curl into a ball of butter!



How they greet me!

The problem with Tennesseans like Nate is that they think that white people are allowed to be assertive still, but that's played out! I did not once see him praise a person of colour who has immigrated to Anglo-controlled lands so I think that needs to be reported!

It was a bright Autumn day in October, and the clocks were striking thirteen. Well early afternoon American time then.

There it was, Cincinnati. I felt the glow of love. Actually, just sighted a bunch of suburbs out the window that looked so well ordered. Then there was the huge Wal-Mart we flew over, I knew this was Heartland America, because unions would kick Wal-Mart's arse if this was Los Angeles or New York City.

I hit the ground and there was the Chk-Fil-A, I wasn't hungry. I wasn't hungry! I still have regrets. I WASN'T HUNGRY. Oh man I need to forget not trying it.

So it took 38 minutes from Ohio to Tennessee. Delta got me there. Then I had to figure out if this Josh character was gonna show. He did. In a huge truck. It was like, "Hey there Aussie, I'm an American libertarian but I guzzle petrol like a Dick Cheney conservative motherfucker did you think I didn't?" So I got in that big arse truck and we rode.

We rode.



I got to my hotel, in downtown Nashville, it was like Elvis was still there cause this was old and I was a New Jack Swinger. But I stashed my luggage and then was like, let's eat, in America this is code for, let's eat. So me and my American Interpreter hit the foodspot and by that I mean Five Guys. If you called a restaurant Five Guys in Australia you'd be called a poofter, but in America it was some good burgers! I got my burger from a black guy with Snoop Dogg hair, I said "motherfucker you are a future diss track in a playa's song don't you know this?" but only in my head. Those were some good burgers!

After trying to jump in the driver's side of the truck, for the second time, I then went to a college pub. A college pub! And it had a perfect blondie in orange baseball cap serving drinks. Oh yeah where's Girls Gone Wild I know America! But here was the sticker about this so-called pub, they billed you at the end of the night! Man this place would be out of business after a few hours in Australia! After me and Josh had finished barracking for the New York Yankees on the big screen, we had to go up to pay our bill, like be honest and s**t! Man wouldn't work in Australia.

So we got rolling, it was gonna be a big Saturday with college football....



Saturday cruising, a house in Franklin.

Arriving at Josh's house it was typical American suburbia, except without Corey Feldman listening to heavy metal in the house next door greeting me. We did not waste any time breaching the Man Cave for college football! His old man called it the Man Cave, twas not me!



American beer and college football on a Saturday afternoon.

Josh's family were the typical American sort, sure materially well-off but it was the exceptionalism without admitting it. 'The door was always open' as his mum said, this you don't get in Australia without the 'if you want to get bashed c**t' on the end of it.

Exhibit #26 - Treaty, yeah!

Jamie
In Australia, I learnt today, Liquorland opens at 9 AM, on a Sunday.

Josh
liquor stores in Tennessee aren't open at all on sunday

Jamie
Yeah I said to the local chick today, this is Australia, some go to church, others go to Liquorland
I hooked up an Abo for his tawny port, 13 dollar cheap goon bag wine
He was 30 cents short, before he took it back I stepped up to the plate in my charity drive. You won't see me at the Children's Hospital come Christmas, but a local Abo need some money for grog? I'm Santa.

Josh
god bless you

Jamie
He patted me on the shoulder, and now he has my back!
He was already cut, could smell it on his breath, some nasty cheap shit, he tried reading my name on my company shirt, he fell short, so I spelled it for him.

It started off as any other day. I awoke to a few beers left and a bit of a headache, but I sensed something, something special. This was no ordinary day.

Oh no.

I got to the computer, set winamp to Jefferson Starship. I went to the window and looked into the horizon. Patrick Swayze was dead now. This was my time. The dream can come true.

I sat back down and clicked on Twitter. Tony Robbins and Ashton Kutcher were tweeting away, then I saw it. It was Guy Sebastian, supporting and linking to a web page about global warming climate change. Not you too, Guy! Not our Guy!

But like New Kids On The Block, I have the right stuff, baby, so I called him a commie and went off for a beauty nap, after asking if he's going to join the Greens. For an Assemblies of God church singer, this was the ultimate kick to the balls by yours truly.

I awoke peacefully around 2 PM, it was 3 hours later. The sun was shining. Life was condensed into a collage of magic. It was beautiful.

My email said I had new messages from Twitter, two direct messages.

Who could it be? I wondered.

I wondered no more. It was my man Guy Sebastian, the current #1 song holder in the nation. He had responded to me, personally!

chk chk boom!

What the hell are u on about? lol you're an idiot.

chk chk boom!

Commie? So you think we shouldn't do ANYTHING as far as our environmental practises go? I guess ur a Greenie if u use a recycle bin too?

I was shocked, flabbergasted, feeling insanely awesome. I had tangled with Aussie music culture's current #1 title holder. I had won so much I was thinking retirement. I could go no higher.

Truly, I had ascended a level only Technotronic got to in 1990.

Now, I sit here, like the dude writing on his computer at the end of the Stand By Me movie. I reflect with a grin.

This was my day. The dream had come true.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What they're saying about The Day I Trolled Guy Sebastian.

"You have leached from his popularity and become like a king among the faceless masses. Now go eat some Stagg Chilli straight out of the can with a wooden spoon to consolidate your victory!" -- Blake

"Never heard of him, I listen to country but not to the radio recently. Email me a few of his songs." -- Larry

"I just saw it lol." - Mel

"I'm really happy for you, I'm gonna let you finish, but Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time!!!" -- Kanye

Exhibit #3 - Then the angel said to me, "The waters you saw, where the prostitute sits, are peoples, multitudes, nations and languages. The beast and the ten horns you saw will hate the prostitute. They will bring her to ruin and leave her naked; they will eat her flesh and burn her with fire. For God has put it into their hearts to accomplish his purpose by agreeing to give the beast their power to rule, until God's words are fulfilled. The woman you saw is the great city that rules over the kings of the earth."

Jamie
Terminator 2 changed me, it was that movie that spoke to things school wasn't teaching me, it dislocated me from my reality a bit, it helped

Blake
All i saw was a damn fine action movie

Jamie
That it was. That it was.

Blake
arnie at his best although i think predator has almost the same amount of arnieness

Jamie
Predator rocks, and so does Red Heat and Raw Deal

Blake
he and carl weathers having the flex off just made it in the annals of beefcake awesome

Jamie
Yeah. So roided up

Blake
it gets results

Jamie
Indeed

Blake
and those results are tiny balls

Jamie
miniscule

Exhibit #25 - A little that a righteous man hath is better than the riches of many wicked. For the arms of the wicked shall be broken: but the LORD upholdeth the righteous. The LORD knoweth the days of the upright: and their inheritance shall be for ever. They shall not be ashamed in the evil time: and in the days of famine they shall be satisfied. But the wicked shall perish, and the enemies of the LORD shall be as the fat of lambs: they shall consume; into smoke shall they consume away.The wicked borroweth, and payeth not again: but the righteous sheweth mercy, and giveth. For such as be blessed of him shall inherit the earth; and they that be cursed of him shall be cut off.

5:40pm Jamie
Oh you're here. How about that. Josh usually gives me a heads up and dares me. But he's a banksta these days. Changes!

Vox
.....

6:11pm Jamie
You still here? That's gotta be a record.

Vox
.....

6:57pm Jamie
I'm certifying the record now.
If Guinness calls.

Vox
.....

7:05pm Jamie
They will. I hear the phone now.
It was marketers. Soon. Guinness.

Vox
.....

7:15pm Jamie
Wow. Just wow. Like Usain Bolt.

Exhibit #2 - Freight Train Heart

Blake
Remember that in all things you do the root cause is concerned with your swinging sausage
thats right i have become a feminist

Jamie
oh no
It was the Ace of Base wasn't it

Blake
i realise that beneath every thought was the realisation that i wish i could crack macadamia nuts with my wang
Either that or i have been drinking Listerine again.

Jamie
its got some alcohol in it, but leave that for the Saudis, they get desperate

Blake
I hear they are dryer than Dicky Dawkins wives.
Inglourious Basterds comes out in a couple of days so its all good

Jamie
yeah I want to see that, Tarantino told the Jewish studio execs that it's okay to pick on Germans now. I'm sure that will work out nice for them.

Blake
it will kick much ass

Exhibit #2 - Now when Mardochai had heard these things, he rent his garments, and put on sackcloth, strewing ashes on his head: and he cried with a loud voice in the street in the midst of the city, shewing the anguish of his mind.

Jamie
Did I embarrass myself at Vox's at all?

Sarah
You didn't embarrass yourself more than you usually do.
or something

Jamie
oh i get it
so i did

Sarah
I know you used a lot of caps, but I don't think anybody noticed or cared
how much did you drink last night?

Jamie
DELETE F**KING EVERYTHING

Sarah
ok.
nice job, shit-for-brains

Jamie
thanks!

Exhibit #1 - Hail our Great Queen in her regalia; One foot in Canada, the other in Australia.

Jamie
I figure with the amount of work I'm doing the response is already under way, plenty of the basketball players I love work way harder than I am just starting to do, every day

Sarah
That's normal for pro-athletes. Usain Bolt!

Jamie
Yeah, they look great. I don't want to work that hard, but wouldn't mind some of that conditioning, in body and face

Sarah
You'd be hotter than a roasted butt of ham

Jamie
Wow, that's hot

Exhibit #1 - Nationalism is both a vital medicine and a dangerous drug


Blake
...in the words of the simpsons "God bless the pagans"

Jamie
haha
I'm totally hammered sorry

Blake
kick ass

Later on.....

Jamie
I'm sobering up, about to go back to bed. Man I will regret this later on today, right now I don't care.

Blake
true
I just had a bacon and egg roll and it did me wonders

Jamie
I'm gettin' Red Rooster later

Blake
red rooster is good
make sure you get some pinapple fritters and kick ass BBQ chicken

Jamie
oh man pineapple fritters, how Aussie are we?

Blake
about 8.432 out of ten
unless you are wearing footy socks and a blue singlet
then you move to 9.172

Jamie
Dammit.

Exhibit #23 - Some people are like seed along the path, where the word is sown. As soon as they hear it, Satan comes and takes away the word that was sown in them.

Josh
Titans game is on in an hour

Jamie
That sounds good if I gave a shit about American football

Josh
Fag

Jamie
We don't inject roids up the butt here

Josh
Of course you dont

Jamie
You should watch an Aussie Rules game one weekend since it's free now, instead of being another Ignorant American

Josh
Okay

Jamie
I knew that would rile the Ron Paul inside of you

Josh
Uh huh


Exhibit #24 - Again Jesus began to teach by the lake. The crowd that gathered around him was so large that he got into a boat and sat in it out on the lake


Josh
Football time!

Jamie
Not for me. What are your plans, got food and drinks ready? That's a must.
I went the Coke and pizza from Marcellina's, topped off with a cornetto, not sure if you get them, but like ice cream in a sugar cone, don't get much better

Josh
I ate some shrimp and grits about 30 mins ago

Jamie
soooooooo redneck

So I ask of the flock when I get to the top, what is it I now lack?

"You gots to drop everything sell it jack then I got your back"

But I'm good you're good I leave others alone so why so extreme an atone?

"Playa the Throne! You're not good and I'm not good just the Father alone"

You wield that influence it's all around when you lay it down so why I frown?

"Cause a rich man in the world abound with his crown much harder to get down"

The burden you're placing I'm still casing not sure if I'm embracing....

"For the others you left for this motherf**ker I'll give you a hundred times the cover brother"

That's brash I'm about to smash cause I'd like to mash....

"You get the eternal life and you know that outlast"

So where am I sitting to your right or to your left when I do confess?

"Playa ain't for me to say let me stress that be God's special process"

Sound fresh gonna blow up I bet yes yes got the Kingdom address...

"Not there yet, but get your walk on you're set."

Exhibit #22 - How oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Till seven times?

Josh
did you tell SB yet?

Jamie
No
I should shouldn't I, cause you will

Josh
I won't...maybe

Jamie
just did
she's offline
after I wrote it
kinda not the reaction I thought

Josh
stupid wanker

Jamie
you started it!

Josh
I did not!

Jamie
it was really coincidental she should drop off like that, I feel bad right now
you suck!

Josh
why?
you're the dumbass

Jamie
you told me to do it!

Josh
I did not!

Jamie
I was cornered into it! I can't trust you

Josh
yes you can! I'm not a JOOOO!

Jamie
YOU ARE A BANKSTA

Josh
ok
just relax dog

Jamie
oh stop with the sweet nothings from the hood

Josh
ok

Jamie
I'm mending fences right now you bastard

Josh
ah

Jamie
except I haven't received a response

Josh
she hates you...obviously

Jamie
she's got me twisting right now, not a good sign

Josh
yes, she does hate you
you bloody idiot

Jamie
you suck

Josh
I am evil, unlike The Google

Jamie
I told her you are the snake, in Eden

Josh
uh-huh
because I did nothing

Jamie
you did everything!

Josh
I did nothing
I asked you a question and you went nuts with it

Jamie
oh REALLY

Josh
yes dummy
shannon elizabeth is hot

Jamie
shut up, and shut up with women! That's what drove this whole thing!

Josh
riiiiight
you're a little girl, you know

Jamie
I'm gettin' the total silent treatment
I hope you haven't said anything to aid that

Josh
who...me?

Jamie
so much for Ron Paul foreign policy non-interventionism huh! Who should we invade next!

Josh
france, obviously
The Great Escape is on, I love this flick

Jamie
shut up

Josh
she is talking to me
Josh commented on Spacebunny Day's link.

Jamie
what did she say
she's offline

Josh
yes
she's decided to shun you
then she just pasted your messages to her
quite funny

Jamie
fine!

Josh
they just found Tom, now Ives is going to get shot, I hate this part

Jamie
That's true about the Panasonic Lumix

Josh
dude, you couldn't kick my ass

Jamie
But I'd film what I can, even if it was me going down saying 'oh he's a big bastard'

Josh
how tall are you?

Jamie
I'm 5'11"

Josh
I have a lower center of gravity

Jamie
well it's obviously not your brain

Josh
riiight

Jamie
war! ha! what is it good for! Fightin' Josh!

Josh
dude, SB's wall is no place for a flame war

Jamie
Oh it's a start. To gettin' back in her good books
At your expense

Josh
ok

Jamie
You know not what you do!

Josh
the whole "god hates homeschooling" thing is a joke, you ignorant slut

Jamie
I know!

Josh


Jamie
who is that

Josh
I dunno

Jamie

I posted a dunno too

Josh
ok dude, I'm getting some sleep
hope it works out with you and SB