Sunday, January 24, 2010

Conversations Between America and Australia: An Expedition to Civilisation's Cultural Culmination through Westernism

Exhibit #27 - Don't let the world deceive you! Don't let them sell you a false Word!

Josh
The Apple Tablet can cure cancer

Jamie
Sounds like it, I'll get one

Josh
Also, it makes pancakes and rainbows

Jamie
Wow, I'll definitely get one.

Friday, January 01, 2010

Tales From America: The Nate Chronicles Part IV - The Shooting Excursion

Thursday had arrived, which meant much joy to Nate. It was shooting day.

Me, Julie, the boys, we were all ready to hop in the Escalade, but no. Nate was busy putting weapon after weapon into the back of it. At one point he loaded the shotgun in with sunglasses and grinned my way. He was the Redneck Terminator. I wasn't going to interfere with his happy, neither would Julie, who was like let him do what he has to do. So I let him do! He has all these freaking guns anyhow.

JAC was slow in rocking up, probably mechanic lameness again. When we were ready to roll, it was decided that I should roll with JAC in his pick-up truck. We stopped off at a gas station and it's here I got my first taste of Wendy's burgers. Nate tried to get me to go the biggest burger they have, but I ain't stuck on stupid! I got a double beef burger, can't remember what they call it, but I do recall once again that the chicks loved my accent and the burger totally filled me up. It was good. Eating and driving, JAC pointed to the pick-up truck next to us on the highway, it had a 'Secede' bumper sticker with the Rebel flag.

We found ourselves out in real country Tennessee for this shooting range in Julie's family's land. We went past Nathan Bedford Forrest State Park, a legend in the South. The Tennessee River was big, much bigger than the Murray River. And then we turned onto country roads to finally find Julie's family quarters. As we were following Nate and Julie's Escalade, JAC was taking in the country roads rather than just driving them. It was a corner of God's Country that almost killed us - JAC was off with the fairies and looking at some country when I was like 'hey hey hey, oi!' And with that me and JAC dodged DEATH. A logging truck was going around the corner. Very close. As JAC said even if we hit it at 30 mph it would have probably knocked us off. Nate called in the wake, wanted to laugh at our near misfortune. Nate hearts life.

We finally got there.



God's Country. Squeal piggy!

We hit the range, found a spot for blasting all the American guns Americans can blast.



"I go into the pick-up... I find love."

We put the target up, forgot the right size staples at Wal-Mart for stapling, that's because Nate is not as smart as his wife. We figured it out and put in a range. Handguns first.



OMG KILL PEOPLE!

I was alright. But it was when the rifles came out I showed my accuracy. I do indeed recall JAC calling me 'a bad motherfucker'. It was very true. I shot out all that shit! Handguns, Rifles, Shotguns, Semi-Automatic Machine Guns! Rednecks are insane! We even looked for deers at the end of the shoot. Deers weren't there. But you know what was there? A paint can set up for me. This was my test. Like an end of level baddie in Super Mario Bros. I had one arm to hit it, after 4 practice shots, I hit it. Right in the middle.



On one of these pictures I was curling nigger lips supposedly! JAC doesn't approve.

We got out of there on the Thursday. Mistakenly I let JAC speak to my mum on the mobile. But at least he didn't kill me on the way home. Phew. But the Friday was going to be tough. That was when I would have to say goodbye.

I stayed asleep till midday. Nate decided to c**t me out at midday. Came in spraying water blaming me for hacking his Facebook account, but it wasn't me! (It was Julie) It was at about 3 PM I had to go. JAC came by, as did his lame mechanic bum-buddy Welldigger, Julie and Nate were taking me to the airport, JAC was going off to be a homo, so I said good luck. Nate and Julie showed me a few more sights on the way to the airport. I saw the Tennessee Titans stadium, gotta go there next time (IF THEY DON'T LOSE), and then I got to my jump-off. Had to say goodbye to Nate and Julie.

After. My American adventure. I was thinking. You don't know beautiful people until you know the power of a personal relationship with Jesus.

Tales From America: The Nate Chronicles Part III - The Nate Family

Wednesday had arrived in Dickson County.

It was time to head over to Nate's parent's house.



BANK OF DICKSON. An American bank that hasn't failed yet. Take that Vox!

Nate had ordered a drive-thru fried lunch at a take-away, we arrived to the eating, including the sweet tea, they love their sweet tea up here. It was after this that I found myself in the midst of redneck car fixing. JAC and Welldigger tried to move the car at one point and almost killed each other pushing. I wasn't helping, I was dressed too good for these grease monkeys! So they had some ducks from the lake, that's where I could be productive! I fed the ducks.



I CAN'T FIX CARS. But the ducks appreciate me. (Apparently snapping turtles in the lake, they told me not to swim naked Aussie drunk, I'm still not sure to believe the story)

So JAC and Welldigger were talking smack to each other about whose fault was what, bitches.... After their loser momentum had died down, we were off to the Jack Daniel's distillery! We took off too late! They shut at 4 PM so the drive never happened. I missed my Tennessee whiskey experience THANKS TO JAC AND WELLDIGGER THE LAME MECHANICS. So we went back to Nate's and drank beers. With the boys! Nate and JAC! Not Welldigger who wallowed in his lameness!

We decided on a Mexican restaurant for the night meal. Julie was grateful to join us on what was to be a boys night out, but Julie didn't have to say thanks, she is a cool chick! I got to offload a couple of pisses in a Mexican joint's toilet, WE WANT TACOS!

I had something I can't even remember what it was, it was tasty as all get up, but I don't know what you call it, I can't even pronounce it if I had its name here!



Mexican Restaurant. JAC thought I had a purdy mouth.

We got back to Nate's and we had a few more drinks. JAC left (pussy) and me and Nate ripped it up. Until Nate decided to leave, which put me in the pole-position to drink beers and internet. It was like heaven!

Little did I know that this night would forbode my waking up on the Thursday to go shootin' out in country Tennesssee......

Tales From America: The Nate Chronicles Part II - Moving in with the Nate's

Monday dawned.

I had a good sleep at the Maxwell Millennium House in Nashville, located near the Country Music Hall of Fame. I hadn't seen this much Elvis Presley memorabilia in my life, in a hotel foyer at that. Was still taking some time to get used to the toilets up in North America, there's a lot of water, turds just float around, I think it's wrong but hey Americans want it that way. I got on the cellular and dialled Nate, he put the offer to me to stay at his place, I had already paid for my accommodation at the hotel, but I figured stuff it, can't catch the Southern culture in a hotel, gotta live with some Southerners! I asked if he could pick me up at the Opry Mills shopping center, cause I had some business to take care of..... He said that was cool, he'd bring the kids in the Escalade to pick me up (this was classic, a down the line redneck driving the black man's staple of transport).

I dialled a taxi to get to my biggest American Mall experience. Sure I had been to Canada's Eaton Centre, but this was the USA! The taxi driver, surprisingly, was a white guy, no Indian or Paki like in Adelaide, he had the whole Dudley Moore recovering drunk thing going on. I thanked him for the ride and turned to face the shopping mecca. It was awesome!

My first stop was the sports store, and it was here that I realised the USA seems to be developing another species of human, there were some big bastards in there, the white guy who served me was at least 6'8", yeah that big, with ears to match. I felt like an oompa loompa. I knew some of the black guys here were big, but I was surprised to see white dudes that matched them pound for pound.

After a fair bit of shopping, I got hungry, hit the food court, this is where yanks do it best. I was gonna play spot the fat people, but I was hungry. Decided on Burger King, they have a Fries Pod! We don't have a Fries Pod. I got the regular meal but the drink was larger than the large meal we have Down Under. As I ate I scoped for a crazy mall gunman but it looked like no crazies were gonna go at it today.

I had like 8 shopping bags, pretty much cleaned out the Nike Factory and Tommy Hilfiger, it was time to jet. Nate said he would meet me at the outdoor camping store at the big aquarium. Now here's a place that doesn't really just do outdoor camping... It had a goddamn military section, or as they call it, the Hunting section.



GUNS GUNS GUNS. "Hey sir do you want to buy a gun to put next to your guns?"

Nate showed the kids some handguns and tried to tell me about them but I was just tip-toeing around the rednecks and their camping outfitter full of guns. Besides, it was time to hit that Escalade and ride G! Getting into Dickson County, we had to stop off and get some beer. It's here I got my first look at the 40 ounce bottles! Colt 45! I wasn't allowed to take it back to the house, 40 ounce bottles and rednecks don't go together. Nate is such a party pooper!



Billy Dee Williams' drink of choice! It won't make you forget you've got a cold, you just won't give a shit anymore.

Nate directed me to my room for the week, it was the same bed Josh had previously passed out blind drunk on in the wake of Saturday night. At least he didn't throw up on it.

The following morning was my first big taste of Southern food. Cracker Barrel.



I had already started tucking in to this tucker before I took the photo.

Apparently they do breakfast 24 hours a day. Everything's fried! It's awesome! There were some military men decked out in the fatigues, Julie took the boys to say hello, they wound up coming over to the table and I got my chance to shake hands, told them my old man made a fair few American mates in Vietnam and thanked them for what they do, not just for America, but Australia too. The meal was huge and Nate and Elkan needed a nappy nap, so we dropped them off back home and then it was time for some more shopping! OMG!

Yours truly, Julie, Jeb, and Eli headed off into Amish territory for our first stop. The f***ing Amish! This was gonna be cool. I never saw any horse and carts, but I saw me some Amish chicks!



WE'RE ALL LIVING IN AN AMISH PARADISE.

It was onto Clarksville from Amish Territory, a military town up in north Tennessee, near the border of Kentucky. As we were trying to find it, Julie's Tomtom navigation system sent us through a ghetto, there were a lot of black people hanging out chilling on the streets, but no one shot at us even though we were driving an Escalade. Clarksville was another great Mall experience, the kids had Chk-Fil-A, I once again wasn't hungry enough to buy a meal there, but I did try one of their nuggets, Chk-Fil-A rocks. From this mall it was onto another, specifically, Sam's Club, you need some sort of membership at Wal-Mart to enter there. Everything again was so cheap.



SHOP, AND THEN SHOP SOME MORE. Sam's Club can load up your car with groceries and leave your wallet largely untouched. America!

Halloween was upcoming so we shopped for Halloween candy and drinks. The kids were starting to get tired and wanted to go to Toys'R'Us, I probably showed that I wasn't entirely keen so the kids missed out as Julie played her smarts to perfection, that's why she's a doctor. Leaving Clarksville for the long ride home, it was obviously Starbucks time. They have a drive-thru like McDonald's! I got the iced latte, it was the greatest caffeine experience I've had yet. I topped off the night with Shiner Bock, Texan beer, it was needed, for tomorrow, I was to hang out with the whole Nate family gathered together....

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Tales From America: The Nate Chronicles... Chapter I

"But whereunto shall I liken this generation?" - Jesus, Matthew 11:16

After a night of drinking in the belly of the redneck beast, I slumbered to the games room and dropped off. Awaking, I had to get my bearings, where was I again? I went downstairs and was greeted by Eli and Dr. Who.



Eli displays the faces he pulls against the yankee carpet baggers at the playground.

It was NFL Sunday. Later on in the day I would be exposed to the next level of American sporting fanaticism. The Tennessee Titans were playing the New England Patriots in Massachusetts and I had front row seats in deep Tennessee territory. This was significant because New England represented everything this Scots/Irish South resented. It was gonna be ugly. And, meanwhile, Josh was still trying to recover from the night before and act like he wasn't embarrassed at all.



This is it!

Nate was geared up. He had the Titans hat and the Titans t-shirt on. He forced me to sit down on the couch and recline back, it was time for something he does before every game. Al Pacino's speech from Any Given Sunday. As I watched the speech Nate paced back and forth in the loungeroom. Nothing was said. Pacino was speaking. Nate's breathing could be heard. This was a man on the TV talking about climbing out of hell one inch at a time, fighting one's way back to the light. Nate looked like he wanted to smash something out of inspiration. All because of Pacino. Al f***ing Pacino. At his best. "That's what living is!"

So the game started. Al Pacino would have committed suicide by half-time.

35-0.



"That's what living is!"

The second half unfolded, and this is what Pacino meant by not even standing one's face in the mirror. When you get old in life things get taken from you. Like Titans games! But you only learn that when you start losing stuff. Like Titans games!

59-0.

It was full time on NFL Sunday in Tennessee! Nate had outgrown his Titans t-shirt, which found a better place outside the backyard in a crumpled heap.



Nate post hat and t-shirt: I LOVE THE TENNESSEE TITANS WHEN THEY GET THEIR ARSE KICKED!

Night had fallen on this NFL Sunday and it was time for me and Josh to depart from Nate's Dickson County. Josh had to drive me back to Nashville then he was heading to Franklin. We got into a political debate on the drive, which consisted of me saying staunch unapologetic American conservatives are awesome and let's bomb aggressive scary brown foreigners who think our culture is evil cause we have to at least uphold their angry vision of us by beating them senseless as they believe white people enjoy doing this to them anyhow! This was followed by Josh's vigorous defences from the limited government Ron Paul side, it was only a 45 minute ride but we could have gone on a lot longer.

Once we had arrived back at the hotel, it was time to say goodbye. Josh was the one who had told me to fly through Nashville before going home, so I did. But the weekend had finished and he had to go back to work for the rest of the week, I was leaving on Friday. We probably weren't gonna see each other again, despite what was said. It was like the Chuck Norris goodbye in Firewalker.



"Watch your back."

Friday, November 20, 2009

Coming soon.....

Tales from America: The Nate Chronicles.

Tales from America, Chapter II

We hit the malls.

Josh took me to the heart of consumerism in the West. I shopped. "Feeling so so strong best believe I want it all, it all!" A black kid said 'wassup', I looked away but Josh said 'what's up dude' back, he assured me that this was an aberration and that black kids in Franklin are too rich to be gangsta. My white self from Australia felt comforted because Kobe Bryant doesn't act like that and Josh is my guide of these black people in this foreign land.



WRONG TURN. They have stops where you drive in and stop. To eat!

After night fell. It was time for..... Nate. I didn't want to get out of the car at Nate's! I wanted to curl into a ball of butter!



How they greet me!

The problem with Tennesseans like Nate is that they think that white people are allowed to be assertive still, but that's played out! I did not once see him praise a person of colour who has immigrated to Anglo-controlled lands so I think that needs to be reported!

Tales from America, Chapter I

It was a bright Autumn day in October, and the clocks were striking thirteen. Well early afternoon American time then.

There it was, Cincinnati. I felt the glow of love. Actually, just sighted a bunch of suburbs out the window that looked so well ordered. Then there was the huge Wal-Mart we flew over, I knew this was Heartland America, because unions would kick Wal-Mart's arse if this was Los Angeles or New York City.

I hit the ground and there was the Chk-Fil-A, I wasn't hungry. I wasn't hungry! I still have regrets. I WASN'T HUNGRY. Oh man I need to forget not trying it.

So it took 38 minutes from Ohio to Tennessee. Delta got me there. Then I had to figure out if this Josh character was gonna show. He did. In a huge truck. It was like, "Hey there Aussie, I'm an American libertarian but I guzzle petrol like a Dick Cheney conservative motherfucker did you think I didn't?" So I got in that big arse truck and we rode.

We rode.



I got to my hotel, in downtown Nashville, it was like Elvis was still there cause this was old and I was a New Jack Swinger. But I stashed my luggage and then was like, let's eat, in America this is code for, let's eat. So me and my American Interpreter hit the foodspot and by that I mean Five Guys. If you called a restaurant Five Guys in Australia you'd be called a poofter, but in America it was some good burgers! I got my burger from a black guy with Snoop Dogg hair, I said "motherfucker you are a future diss track in a playa's song don't you know this?" but only in my head. Those were some good burgers!

After trying to jump in the driver's side of the truck, for the second time, I then went to a college pub. A college pub! And it had a perfect blondie in orange baseball cap serving drinks. Oh yeah where's Girls Gone Wild I know America! But here was the sticker about this so-called pub, they billed you at the end of the night! Man this place would be out of business after a few hours in Australia! After me and Josh had finished barracking for the New York Yankees on the big screen, we had to go up to pay our bill, like be honest and s**t! Man wouldn't work in Australia.

So we got rolling, it was gonna be a big Saturday with college football....



Saturday cruising, a house in Franklin.

Arriving at Josh's house it was typical American suburbia, except without Corey Feldman listening to heavy metal in the house next door greeting me. We did not waste any time breaching the Man Cave for college football! His old man called it the Man Cave, twas not me!



American beer and college football on a Saturday afternoon.

Josh's family were the typical American sort, sure materially well-off but it was the exceptionalism without admitting it. 'The door was always open' as his mum said, this you don't get in Australia without the 'if you want to get bashed c**t' on the end of it.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Conversations Between America and Australia: An Expedition to Civilisation's Cultural Culmination through Westernism

Exhibit #26 - Treaty, yeah!

Jamie
In Australia, I learnt today, Liquorland opens at 9 AM, on a Sunday.

Josh
liquor stores in Tennessee aren't open at all on sunday

Jamie
Yeah I said to the local chick today, this is Australia, some go to church, others go to Liquorland
I hooked up an Abo for his tawny port, 13 dollar cheap goon bag wine
He was 30 cents short, before he took it back I stepped up to the plate in my charity drive. You won't see me at the Children's Hospital come Christmas, but a local Abo need some money for grog? I'm Santa.


Josh
god bless you

Jamie
He patted me on the shoulder, and now he has my back!
He was already cut, could smell it on his breath, some nasty cheap shit, he tried reading my name on my company shirt, he fell short, so I spelled it for him.

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Conversations Between New South Wales and South Australia: An Expedition to Civilisation's Cultural Culmination through Westernism

Exhibit #3 - Then the angel said to me, "The waters you saw, where the prostitute sits, are peoples, multitudes, nations and languages. The beast and the ten horns you saw will hate the prostitute. They will bring her to ruin and leave her naked; they will eat her flesh and burn her with fire. For God has put it into their hearts to accomplish his purpose by agreeing to give the beast their power to rule, until God's words are fulfilled. The woman you saw is the great city that rules over the kings of the earth."

Jamie
Terminator 2 changed me, it was that movie that spoke to things school wasn't teaching me, it dislocated me from my reality a bit, it helped

Blake
All i saw was a damn fine action movie

Jamie
That it was. That it was.

Blake
arnie at his best although i think predator has almost the same amount of arnieness

Jamie
Predator rocks, and so does Red Heat and Raw Deal

Blake
he and carl weathers having the flex off just made it in the annals of beefcake awesome

Jamie
Yeah. So roided up

Blake
it gets results

Jamie
Indeed

Blake
and those results are tiny balls

Jamie
miniscule

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Conversations Between America and Australia: An Expedition to Civilisation's Cultural Culmination through Westernism

Exhibit #25 - A little that a righteous man hath is better than the riches of many wicked. For the arms of the wicked shall be broken: but the LORD upholdeth the righteous. The LORD knoweth the days of the upright: and their inheritance shall be for ever. They shall not be ashamed in the evil time: and in the days of famine they shall be satisfied. But the wicked shall perish, and the enemies of the LORD shall be as the fat of lambs: they shall consume; into smoke shall they consume away.The wicked borroweth, and payeth not again: but the righteous sheweth mercy, and giveth. For such as be blessed of him shall inherit the earth; and they that be cursed of him shall be cut off.

5:40pm Jamie
Oh you're here. How about that. Josh usually gives me a heads up and dares me. But he's a banksta these days. Changes!

Vox
.....

6:11pm Jamie
You still here? That's gotta be a record.

Vox
.....

6:57pm Jamie
I'm certifying the record now.
If Guinness calls.


Vox
.....

7:05pm Jamie
They will. I hear the phone now.
It was marketers. Soon. Guinness.


Vox
.....

7:15pm Jamie
Wow. Just wow. Like Usain Bolt.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Conversations Between New South Wales and South Australia: An Expedition to Civilisation's Cultural Culmination through Westernism

Exhibit #2 - Freight Train Heart

Blake
Remember that in all things you do the root cause is concerned with your swinging sausage
thats right i have become a feminist


Jamie
oh no
It was the Ace of Base wasn't it


Blake
i realise that beneath every thought was the realisation that i wish i could crack macadamia nuts with my wang
Either that or i have been drinking Listerine again.


Jamie
its got some alcohol in it, but leave that for the Saudis, they get desperate

Blake
I hear they are dryer than Dicky Dawkins wives.
Inglourious Basterds comes out in a couple of days so its all good


Jamie
yeah I want to see that, Tarantino told the Jewish studio execs that it's okay to pick on Germans now. I'm sure that will work out nice for them.

Blake
it will kick much ass

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Conversations Between Canada and Australia: An Expedition to Civilisation's Cultural Culmination through Westernism

Exhibit #1 - Hail our Great Queen in her regalia; One foot in Canada, the other in Australia.

Jamie
I figure with the amount of work I'm doing the response is already under way, plenty of the basketball players I love work way harder than I am just starting to do, every day

Sarah
That's normal for pro-athletes. Usain Bolt!

Jamie
Yeah, they look great. I don't want to work that hard, but wouldn't mind some of that conditioning, in body and face

Sarah
You'd be hotter than a roasted butt of ham

Jamie
Wow, that's hot

Conversations Between New South Wales and South Australia: An Expedition to Civilisation's Cultural Culmination through Westernism

Exhibit #1 - Nationalism is both a vital medicine and a dangerous drug


Blake
...in the words of the simpsons "God bless the pagans"

Jamie
haha
I'm totally hammered sorry


Blake
kick ass

Later on.....

Jamie
I'm sobering up, about to go back to bed. Man I will regret this later on today, right now I don't care.

Blake
true
I just had a bacon and egg roll and it did me wonders


Jamie
I'm gettin' Red Rooster later

Blake
red rooster is good
make sure you get some pinapple fritters and kick ass BBQ chicken


Jamie
oh man pineapple fritters, how Aussie are we?

Blake
about 8.432 out of ten
unless you are wearing footy socks and a blue singlet
then you move to 9.172


Jamie
Dammit.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Conversations Between America and Australia: An Expedition to Civilisation's Cultural Culmination through Westernism

Exhibit #23 - Some people are like seed along the path, where the word is sown. As soon as they hear it, Satan comes and takes away the word that was sown in them.

Josh
Titans game is on in an hour

Jamie
That sounds good if I gave a shit about American football

Josh
Fag

Jamie
We don't inject roids up the butt here

Josh
Of course you dont

Jamie
You should watch an Aussie Rules game one weekend since it's free now, instead of being another Ignorant American

Josh
Okay

Jamie
I knew that would rile the Ron Paul inside of you

Josh
Uh huh


Exhibit #24 - Again Jesus began to teach by the lake. The crowd that gathered around him was so large that he got into a boat and sat in it out on the lake


Josh
Football time!

Jamie
Not for me. What are your plans, got food and drinks ready? That's a must.
I went the Coke and pizza from Marcellina's, topped off with a cornetto, not sure if you get them, but like ice cream in a sugar cone, don't get much better


Josh
I ate some shrimp and grits about 30 mins ago

Jamie
soooooooo redneck

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Conversations Between America and Australia: An Expedition to Civilisation's Cultural Culmination through Westernism

Exhibit #21 - Excuse me. Are you the Judean People's Front?


Bruce
I see you!

Jamie
That's cool, you've probably got work to do, I just wanted to let you know that since you're my token Jewish Facebook Friend I take great liberty at thinking of insults that are not directly derived from Life Of Brian, and I look forward to using whatever my mind comes up with.

Bruce
I appreciate that.

Jamie
No worries, hook nose.

Bruce
anyway ... yeah ... i need to go
heh


Jamie
later, heeb

Bruce
laterz

Jamie
I love this already!

Conversations Between America and Australia: An Expedition to Civilisation's Cultural Culmination through Westernism

Exhibit #19 - Let Us Trade By The Promises Broken

Jamie
so did you tell me you were at traffic court while the judge was giving your sentence?

Josh
no
I told you that whilst waiting in the room
there were around 40 total cases


Jamie
You are like China over there
I don't go to court for that s**t, pay a fine


Josh
I got traffic school
so it doesn't go on my record


Jamie
F**kin' commies
And we drive on the proper side of the road here, you people are weird, go to Britain or here and you'll learn


Josh
yeah...

Jamie
I feel so at home seeing Britain, it's like the motherland! They are exactly like us but a bigger stronger and somewhat f**ked up version

Josh
and rainier

Jamie
yeah! They rained out the third test of The Ashes, we're not happy, they need f**king domes over their cricket grounds
It's freakin summer over there and they rain out a third test?


Josh
cricket is gay

Jamie
you copied from it to make baseball, you just didn't play cricket cause we hated you

Josh
ok

Jamie
Yeah bitch! Americans weren't popular with the British Empire


Exhibit #20 - Accademia di Belle Arti Firenze


Jamie
you're so spontaneous with your mastery of the english language!

Jason
New Englander learned long ago not to waste things.

Jamie
Like abandoning the Empire?

Jason
HELL YEAH! Unfortunately, New Englanders got soft when they embraced liberalism.

Jamie
You're a typical bunch of Poms

Jason
um...Poms? Sorry, what is that?

Jamie
Okay New Poms then.

Jason
umm...ok

Jamie
You put New in front of everything

Jason
yeah, ozzies put shrimp on their barbees

Jamie
How is Paul Hogan, treating him well?

Jason
I don't know, don't you know him personally?

Jamie
Nah he left. Went to the States, but you only had an affair with him, and he wound up in divorce court as a defacto American, he stayed.

Sunday, August 02, 2009

Conversations Between America and Australia: An Expedition to Civilisation's Cultural Culmination through Westernism

Exhibit #13 - The Cloned Path Of Celebrity


Jamie
I started watching Road Trip Beer Pong here, not sure what to think so far

Josh
Never seen it

Jamie
So far the skinny guy is back, and they have a total Ashton Kutcher looking hack in Stifler's role, right down to the GQ beard

Josh
Uh huh

Jamie
It's disgusting how far they'll go to replicate Ashton Kutcher, I actually thought it was him at first

Josh
Isn't he still doing movies?

Jamie
Oh and I just realised, the lead actor is a Hayden Christensen hack. They're going for an Elvis performance at Vegas with a second Road Trip movie, I guess movies can do that

Josh
They can

Jamie
Ashton wouldn't do this with his big Twitter celeb now, it's a sequel to a middle of the road teen movie, he would laugh if handed the script
But not his look-a-like, oh no


Josh
You're not a big twitter celeb
Although bogut does talk to you


Jamie
Yeah, how much do I f**king rock, the BOGEYMAN.


Exhibit #14 - An Alert Travels From Hesperia's Forbidden Fields


Jamie
Oh before I forget, this blog is the main Aussie libertarian blog http://blog.libertarian.org.au/ Vox might be interested in it, they recently reviewed Jonah Goldberg's book too, of which I participated in the comments there

Spacebunny
Cool, thanks, I'll check it out

Jamie
If I was sending that to Vox I'd prefer a remote-controlled four wheeler I can zoom into his quarters with a big sign and a painted middle finger on it, with the link below. That should get his attention.

Spacebunny
you might be surprised...

Jamie
Circle it around... add some nerf rockets to it....

Spacebunny
now you're talkin'


Exhibit #15 - The Scots at Culloden. The British at Bunker Hill. The French at Waterloo.


Nathan
Julie got an Iphone.
my world is collapsing around me


Jamie
ah, Joe Farah got one too, his was the coolest revelation "Papa got a brand new iphone"

Nathan
how embarassing.

Jamie
Joe Farah is style baby! He dyes the mo and lets the rest grey

Nathan
you love mustache men

Jamie
that's a heck of a moustache


Exhibit #16 - Sloth And Excess Reign Across The Land Of The Victorious


Jamie
I just heated up some pizza from last night

Larry
ah... sounds good. I'm very full from my quesadillas.

Jamie
what are they

Larry
A quesadiila?

Jamie
we don't do mexican here, hardly anyone has heard of mexican

Larry
It'a tortilla with cheese and in this case chicken.

Jamie
what's a tortilla

Larry
a tortilla is a flat round piece of bread.

Jamie
okay like a pita bread?

Larry
noo.. flatter

Jamie
must be pretty flat

Larry
very
you think you want to get fat on American fast food?
NOOO you want to get fat on Mexican food


Jamie
I don't know. they're not exactly my vision of USA fatness

Larry
seriously... you'll go nuts for mexican food

Jamie
yeah but it's not yank shit, I don't see fat Mexicans, I see fat Anglo-Saxons

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Conversations Between America and Australia: An Expedition to Civilisation's Cultural Culmination through Westernism

Exhibit #10 - Punxsutawney Vox


Jamie
Oh! Vox is up again!

Josh
stalker

Jamie
Stalk time!
he hasn't responded yet....
I can wait forever....


Josh
what did you write?

Jamie
Referenced above Air Supply song since he still hasn't responded, once, to me, at all, ever

Josh
ah
he's on live now


Jamie
Pulled out the 'I talked to Duran Duran' angle

Josh
you did?

Jamie
Yeah didn't work, yet....

Josh
try mentioning boobies, soccer, italian shoes, or umbrella drinks

Jamie
he's gone!

Josh
you scared him away

Jamie
dammit, I tried not to!


Exhibit #11 - The Elusive Artist


Jamie
hello sir, good day.
I'm designing a video game. It's called LIVE CHAT WITH VOX
two players


Vox
Hey Jamie, can't talk now... writing.

Jamie
woohoo! No that is all, I didn't have anything after that

Vox
pax



Exhibit #12 - The Ways Of Understanding Hath Parted


Jamie
I got Vox

Nathan
oh hell!
well done sir!


Jamie
I waited I waited and then BAM, livin the dream, I did it. I can retire. But I won't.

Nathan
I need to read this conversation.

Jamie
Yes. Yes you do.

Nathan
Then share it you drunk aussie poofter!

Jamie
I did, I put it on my blog
Are you rednecking out on me
I can only explain a square


Nathan
did you put it on Tell'em to get stuffed?

Jamie
yeah
You're as fast as an Ethiopian swimmer at the Olympics


Nathan
it ain't showing up bitch

Jamie
It's the top blog entry, even you can't miss it, oh well, I'll post it here...

Nathan
Pax...
only Vox would talk that way


Jamie
He is like a goddamn Michael Jackson figure ain't he
I bet he walks away from people saying "I love you all, goodbye."

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Conversations Between America and Australia: An Expedition to Civilisation's Cultural Culmination through Westernism

Exhibit #3 - The John McCain Legacy

Josh


Jamie
I can see her getting old like McCain, those teeth in a jar beside the bed

Josh
shutup

Jamie
combover and everything

Josh
I CAN'T HEAR YOU I'M NOT LISTENING!

Jamie
those weird jawbone lumps....


Exhibit #4 - Boston's Tea Party Mascot Party


Jason
if you have skills, you can be the Boston Celtics mascot.

Jamie
haha, you're a funny guy, that's why I'm gonna kill you last

Jason
no joke, they're hiring.
pays probably 90k a year, not a bad salary


Jamie
Interesting, I'm sure they can find a drunk Irishman in that town to do it.
I wouldn't enjoy getting slapped and kicked by an excited Kevin Garnett, scary guy


Jason
KG is not normal.


Exhibit #5 - It's A Man's World


Jac
ever seen one of these?



Jamie
No I haven't, I'm not into bikes

Jac
homo

Jamie
I prefer to dance like Michael Jackson

Jac
I said what what, in the butt

Jamie
And I like Oprah if someone like Will Smith is on the show

Jac
who's like will smith?

Jamie
Dave Chappelle, Ryan Reynolds, Andy Samberg

Jac
never heard of 'em.
So, when you show up in the South what do you want to kill first?


Jamie
Nothing, I love all animals, so my brain cells

Jac
what about doves? they're really just pigeons and those are pretty much just rats with wings. You don't love them, surely.

Jamie
Doves are used at weddings to symbolise hope and love.

Jac
there is a delicious irony to shooting something that symbolizes peace.
good eatin' too.


Jamie
I'll take your word for it.


Exhibit #6 - Whitey MC Ebonics And Expressionism


Jamie
What's up Op?

Phil
Yo whats up

Jamie
Late NYC night, all the city lights must be shining outside

Phil
it's a beautiful night here.
Low 70's with a nice breeze..


Jamie
Only low single digits in celcius here overnight, probably 3 degrees been the coldest so far

Phil
Not up on conversions but 3 sounds cold

Jamie
Fahrenheit goes higher, 100 over there is about 40 here

Phil
I really dig that crows hat you sport in that one video

Jamie
All my hats are Crows hats. I got a beanie, and two caps.
I'll be coming to the USA, NYC, not long away.


Phil
Well if your ever come through gimme a holla.
The old school clubs are gone but Im sure we'd wreck da town


Jamie
NYC is such a centre for urban culture, I can't miss it, always wanted to go

Phil
I love this city and can never leave it... niggas dont know.

Jamie
I'm the same with Adelaide, in the past I would just go driving around, looking at places, seeing things change, stop off eating, just playing music with the windows down till the sunset.

Phil
There's mad love here...


Exhibit #7 - America, The Plundered.


Jamie
When I get to NY I'll have to set aside time to hassle you.

Jason
no problem, i'll show you around
and I assume you'll hit up the rednecks down in tennessee?


Jamie
Definitely. I'll grab a rebel flag to take back here.

Jason
no one in australia will know what it means, right?

Jamie
Oh there's some, but they use it for lame retarded organisations, like neo-nazis, not realising the irony of flying a flag from a country that defeated the Germans in war

Jason
stupid skinheads, i hate that bs!
someday i plan on visiting Australia, too expensive right now, and all americans are broke.


Jamie
Yeah not cheap, and with the US Dollar going down long term more so. Good times for me.

Jason
haha, it'll only get worse. Biden said the only way out of bankruptcy is to spend money. Fools. God warned against the "wisdoms" of this world.