Friday, August 31, 2007

Friday, August 31 in the news....

  • Gasoline prices could rise to about $9 per gallon if the United States withdraws troops from Iraq prematurely, U.S. Rep. Jon Porter said after a trip to Iraq that ended this week. Rep. John Porter then accepted the award for best strategy to win voters at home and win over critics abroad.

  • About 100 Pakistani soldiers missing and feared kidnapped by militants in a tribal zone bordering Afghanistan have been found safe, a military spokesman said today. They were found fit fed and fighting for the Taliban.

  • China says its one-child policy has helped the fight against global warming by avoiding 300 million births, the equivalent of the population of the United States. Al Gore said that the United States should heed this message and kill all firstborn, but passing over houses which have a hybrid car in their driveway.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Wednesday, August 29 in the news....

  • Aussie Rules footy stars have begun to issue bans against Channel 7 after it broadcast details of players drug taking using allegedly stolen medical records. AFL players have also refused to buy their drugs from anyone who watches Channel 7 too.

  • President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad on Tuesday brushed off a warning by Nicolas Sarkozy that Iran risked being bombed over its nuclear drive, saying his "inexperienced" French counterpart did not know what he was talking about. "He (Sarkozy) only recently came to power and wants to find a place for himself in the world. He is still inexperienced," Ahmadinejad told reporters. He continued, "As for me, well, I have a few Presidential notches on my jock strap let me tell you."

  • The Foxtel network has been embarrassed after showing a documentary on Adolf Hitler written by Holocaust denier David Irving, who is banned from entering Australia. A Foxtel representative blamed its airing on Zionist producers out to make them look bad.

  • The conservative mayor of a Parisian suburb said he would suspend the use of a foul-smelling product to drive homeless people away from shopping centres after rights groups and politicians across the spectrum attacked the measure. The pungent smell was apparently French people walking past them with arms raised in the air.

  • Two Chinese brothers who tunnelled their way out of a coal mine collapse after being trapped for nearly six days survived by eating coal and drinking urine, a local newspaper reported today. They said it wasn't that hard because they're served that meal by mine operators for lunch on Wednesday's and Thursday's.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Tuesday, August 28 in the news....

  • A Japanese man arrested for making 388 prank phone calls to the local fire station between May 2006 and July this year said he did it because he was lonely. That broke the record set by Al Gore before he discovered global warming.

  • Child sex charges against a former Anglican chaplain of an exclusive Adelaide boys school have been dropped, more than two years after his extradition from Thailand. When asked what he was doing in Thailand, the chaplain said, "I was assuming a missionary position to show love to God's children there".

  • The Dutch government will spend $38 million over the next four years to prevent both the growth of Islamic fundamentalism and right-wing nationalism, an official said Monday. They announced the plan in an Amsterdam cafe, which explains why they also set aside $2 million to import Cheetos.

  • Foreign firefighters and aircraft joined the battle Tuesday against blazes in southern Greece, and officials expressed optimism that wildfires burning some of the country's lushest landscape could be brought under partial control. Greece has tired of the worst wildfires in memory, devastating large swathes of the country and killing at least 64 people, but it has grown more tired of people calling it a Greek Tragedy.

  • Police in China's capital said Tuesday they will start patrolling the Web using animated beat officers that pop up on a user's browser and walk, bike or drive across the screen warning them to stay away from illegal Internet content. The punishment for persistent disobedience is expected to be execution, which includes for police who continue to harass Communist party officials doing it too.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Saturday, August 25 in the news....

  • A wealthy Russian tried to buy a U.S. B-52 bomber from a group of shocked American pilots at an airshow near Moscow, a Russian newspaper reported Friday. When the offer was rejected the Russian was visibly disappointed, but told them to let him know if the White House goes up for sale.

  • A giant hole in the Universe is devoid of galaxies, stars and even lacks dark matter, astronomers said on Thursday. The team at the University of Minnesota said the void is nearly a billion light-years across and they have no idea why it is there. Tom Cruise informed them that it was an excavation site cleared on the orders of Xenu.

  • A financially savvy Tokyo housewife who made 400 million yen ($3.44 million) trading in foreign exchange markets was fined Friday for evading tax, a court official said. Her husband said she was the most awesome desperate housewife ever.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Friday, August 24 in the news....

  • The navies of India, Japan, Singapore, Australia and the United States will hold war games in the Bay of Bengal next month, the first such joint exercises by the five nations. In the war games India is attacking the hottest curry, Japan is taking on Megaman and Wario, Singapore is hanging drug smugglers, Australia is fighting in a pub, and the USA is trying to deport Mexicans.

  • The US Federal Reserve injected 17.25 billion dollars into the financial system in three actions Thursday, the latest in a series of moves designed to ease a credit squeeze in global markets. Some observers said the Fed was acting like the principal investors in the next Kevin Costner action film.

  • The government of Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki will become "more precarious" over the next 6-12 months, U.S. intelligence agencies said on Thursday. The Iraqi Prime Minister knew it was a disturbing and serious issue when they used a word that he knew the President of the US couldn't pronounce properly.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

More Thursday, August 23 in the news....

  • Australian pop singer Dannii Minogue is embroiled in a new sex scandal involving an old video of her kissing a bald lesbian. The younger sister of Kylie was wrongly pinned with the claims though, as it turned out the person being kissed was Peter Garrett.

  • The Pentagon has cut armored vehicles due in Iraq in 2007. Meanwhile, Al-Qaeda has cut arms off hostages due to premiere on the internet before the end of 2007.

  • Excessive amounts of lead paint on toys and other children's products led the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission to issue a recall of more than 300,000 Chinese-made items on Wednesday. The recall includes about 250,000 SpongeBob SquarePants address books and journals because they may have excessive levels of lead paint on their metal spiral bindings. President Bush held onto his SpongeBob address book as his wife went to take it off him. Only after much coaxing and the promise of a new one did he let go of his end.

Thursday, August 23 in the news....

  • A step-by-step guide to building a body like President Vladimir Putin's was available to readers of a Russian newspaper yesterday. Official photographs of the 54-year-old leader holidaying in southern Siberia last week showed him fishing with his shirt off to display a well-honed torso. Under the headline: 'Get a body like Putin's', the daily published an exercise guide by a fitness instructor. The article was almost as popular as the week's before, 'Rid your enemies like Putin'.

  • US rock group the Eagles will release Long Road Out of Eden, their first full studio album for 28 years, in October, Universal Music Group said today. The band's Their Greatest Hits 1971-1975 is the best-selling album in recorded music history in the USA - Michael Jackson's Thriller used to top it, but none of the bandmembers of the Eagles decided to sleep with little boys.

  • Aussie motorists are becoming more aggressive and increasingly selfish, new research shows. The study was conducted by a group of people who can't drive.

  • Austrian garbage collectors rescued a Polish man from the jaws of a rubbish truck after hearing his cries for help, it was reported overnight. The homeless man thanked them and said the last time this happened the collectors laughed and he had to escape himself, but that was in Germany.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Wednesday, August 22 in the news....

  • Vladimir Putin announced ambitious plans to revive Russia's military power and restore its role as the world's leading producer of military aircraft yesterday. The remarks follow his decision last week to resume long-range missions by strategic bomber aircraft capable of hitting the US with nuclear weapons. Patrols over the Atlantic, Pacific and Arctic began last week for the first time since 1992. Putin said the patrols would continue and that just like 1992 there 'ain't nobody humpin' around'.

  • A top Taliban commander said Al-Qaeda mastermind Osama bin Laden is alive and well, according to US-based analysts monitoring extremist publications. "All praise be to Allah, he is extremely healthy and active," the commander Mansour Dadullah said in a video interview. "He does paintings now, they are very good, if you don't buy them he'll kill you".

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Tuesday, August 21 in the news....

  • Former Socceroos coach Frank Farina has been involved in the dramatic apprehension of an alleged bag snatcher in Brisbane's trendy inner-west. Coincidentally, the person stealing the bag was a fan of the Italian soccer team.

  • Half of dogs and cats in the UK are now overweight, according to the RSPCA. Gym membership was also down among cats.

  • The BBC has dropped plans to show a fictional terror attack in an episode of Casualty to avoid offending Muslims. Muslims thanked the show's producers and in return said they would not bomb the TV studio to avoid offending the show's viewers.

  • Billionaire investor Warren Buffett may buy parts of beleaguered mortgage lender Countrywide Financial Corp, some investors are speculating, according to The Wall Street Journal. Buffett wouldn't confirm the speculation and said when it comes to buying parts of another company he would see what money falls out of his pockets when he takes his pants off and shakes them upside down.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Sunday, August 19 in the news.....

  • Opposition Leader Kevin Rudd has admitted visiting a New York strip club during a drunken night while representing Australia at the United Nations. Mr Rudd yesterday issued a statement to The Sunday Telegraph, confirming he went to the club. But he said he could not recall what happened at the night spot because he had "had too much to drink". With these revelations Kevin Rudd has claimed the legitimacy to lead the nation, purporting to be a drunk among drunks.

  • The Taliban's reclusive leader, Mullah Mohammad Omar, in a rare message on Saturday called on Afghans to shun their differences and join the militant Islamic movement's campaign to drive Western troops from Afghanistan. Unfortunately, the message will take some time to get out, as the man delivering it is riding a camel around to the villages.

  • Russian and Chinese military forces started wargames on Friday, using a joint land and air assault on a mock town held by "terrorists" as a showcase for their military capabilities. For their next war games they are waiting for the Americans and British to give them ideas on what to claim as a threat next, upon which they will then use the advanced technology they stole from them as well.

  • Iran's elite Revolutionary Guards said they would not bow to pressure and threatened to "punch" the U.S., in their first response to Washington's plan to list them as a terrorist organization, newspapers reported Saturday. They also threatened to 'steal the USA's girl' and to 'puff their chest out', also Iran claimed to be 'doing weights hardcore'.

  • Jim Cramer, the CNBC television host who led the howls for the Federal Reserve to cut interest rates, got his wish today. "They obviously heard us, they acted," he said on the air. The Fed lowered the interest rate on loans to banks by 0.5 percentage point, to 5.75 percent. The surprise action came after weeks of debate between investors looking for looser credit and economists who argued that a rate cut could hasten inflation. Jim Cramer said it would take him all but 5 minutes to find good value cocaine and prostitutes in Manhattan now, rather than a credit crunch two months.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Friday, August 17 in the news....

  • Contractual obligations mean the Federal Government is promoting a sports drink criticised by health experts. Gatorade has been identified by dentists and nutritionists as rotting children's teeth and contributing to childhood obesity. The sports drink was made famous by Michael Jordan in the 1990's, which means Aussie children on the playground are drinking Gatorade then sticking their tongues out, knocking their opponent out with their breath, then falling flat on their chubby faces before reaching the hoop for a dunk.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Thursday, August 16 in the news....

  • The US Federal Reserve said Wednesday it may pump more money into the jittery financial system when the stock markets open for trading to meet increased liquidity demands. The Fed pumped a total 64 billion dollars into the financial markets in operations on Thursday, Friday and Monday to soothe investors' fears over a credit crunch tied to the troubled US housing sector. The Fed said it played a much needed reassurance factor for the investor class over the last few trading days while laying the foundation for ongoing devaluing of the currency that the poor and middle class enjoy so much through comprehensive inflationary price rises paid for with their seldom changing wages.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Wednesday, August 15 in the news....

  • Six Italian men were shot dead in the German city of Duisburg early on Wednesday in an execution-style killing linked to a mafia feud. Most Germans shrugged their shoulders at the killings, questioning the reasoning behind them, particularly why Italians prefer wasting their time on mafia-related business rather than trying to take over Europe.

  • Kenya's main opposition coalition has split into two factions ahead of a presidential election in December, boosting President Mwai Kibaki's chances of re-election, politicians said on Wednesday. Kenya's governing party continues to hold an ace up its sleeve too, with statistics showing sandwiches were widespread across the country.

  • Scotland's governing party set out its plans on Tuesday for a referendum on independence but the main opposition parties vowed to block any move to end the 300-year-old union with England. Meanwhile, Mel Gibson has proposed to fly over from California, get out the tequila, and challenge Prince Harry to a fight in a nightclub on the border to decide the issue once and for all.

  • Japan said they will resume direct aid to the Palestinian Authority after boycotting a previous Hamas-led government for more than a year, a Japanese official said on Monday. The PA thanked them, but declined, saying they still had no use for karaoke machines.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Tuesday, August 14 in the news....

  • A hunter and herdswoman from Arctic Russia hopes to claim the title of the world's oldest living person following new research, Interfax news agency reported today. The woman put her longevity down to good eating habits and avoiding criticism of Russian leaders from Stalin through to Putin.

  • Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki will convene a political summit on Tuesday in hopes of ending Iraq's deepening governmental crisis, he announced Monday. The invitations vastly overestimated the seats available on expectations many attending will be dead by then.

  • Less than two weeks after Mattel Inc. recalled 1.5 million Chinese-made toys because of lead paint, Mattel is set to announce the recall of another toy involving a different Chinese supplier as early as Tuesday. Meanwhile, Santa Claus has had a surprising outburst at his suppliers, telling them, 'any of you motherfuckers supply me with that dangerous commie-made toy shit and you're fixing to get slapped like a bitch and dumped by Rudolph in a 19th century graveyard in Siberia'.

  • Chicago is looking at taxing bottled water to help close a city budget gap. If that works it will tax flushing toilets next.

  • Convicted terrorism supporter David Hicks wants to disappear into the Australian bush after he is released from jail later this year, his father Terry says. He believes the outback is the best place to set up a terrorist camp outside of Afghanistan.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Monday, August 13 in the news.....

  • Karl Rove, President Bush's close friend and chief political strategist, plans to leave the administration at the end of August, the White House said Monday. It is uncertain what he plans to do next, but Rove said once you've sunk the President of the United States of America to the lowest approval ratings since the Jackson 5 ruled the Billboard charts, how can you top that.

  • A longtime member of Bush's inner circle, Rove was nicknamed "the architect" by the president for designing the strategy that twice won him the White House, and also because he was able to fix up sugar cookie nights in the White House kitchen without Laura finding out.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Sunday, August 12 News with Views....

  • 'No more panzers'. In Hamburg, a bike made out of hay consumes the time of locals in modern day Germany.

  • 'On your orders General Lee'. At the Redneck Games, a Southerner leaps into a mud pit with all the courage of the Stonewall Brigade.

  • 'Virginia has voted for secession'. Some rib-lovin' rebels wait and hope the Daisy Dukes are coming off.

  • 'You should build em like this'. An upside down house is visited in Poland as orders are placed for the homes in Tornado Alley, USA.

    'That's not true'. Iranians build a big-arse Persian carpet to hide the underground nuclear facility.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Saturday, August 11 News with Views....

  • 'Hair not decided'. Unfinished in the Netherlands, President Bush thanks Europe with a statue recognising his love of their cultural contributions to America.

  • 'It's not what you think'. A Cuban man spreads the Gospel.

  • 'That's so 1996'. An Afghani woman surveys the shopping district in Ghazni, west of Kabul.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Friday, August 10 in the news.....

  • Italian police have arrested 14 suspected mobsters in Sicily following an investigation that revealed links to organised crime in New York. The investigation was undertaken to uncover new plot lines for the next NY gangster film.

  • A chunk of an Arctic glacier broke into the sea and triggered a huge wave that injured 18 people on a sightseeing boat, almost all of them British tourists, Norwegian officials said. "The glacier calved (split off) and a big wave washed over the boat," Elisabeth Bjoerge Loevold, acting governor of Svalbard, told Reuters. "Then the whinging started, like 'bloody bollocks can't go anywhere without it flooding' and 'what a great holiday this is, back to floods, bollocks this is, bloody bollocks'".

  • A Mississippi town's animal control officer says he's been flooded with calls about a kangaroo that's been spotted on the loose. An Australian wildlife officer commented on the situation, saying if true the kangaroo should not approach Americans as it is unsure how they may react.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Wednesday, August 8 in the news.....

  • In Sydney, a Bulldogs rugby league player Damon Alley-Tovio has been charged with assault, stealing a car and drink-driving after an incident at a hotel in the city last week. He is expected to plead Rugby Player when he faces court.

  • A New York City Bill is set to ban use of the words 'bitch' and 'ho'. P Diddy and Jay-Z are set to make Johnson City their new home base in New York State.

  • Britain has confirmed its second foot and mouth disease case. The second case was within a 10-km radius protection zone from where the first case was confirmed. The U.S. was going to offer assistance but President Bush overruled saying they already think he has a confirmed case of foot in mouth disease over there.

  • Georgia has accused Russia of firing missiles from jet fighters at one of their villagers, when told of the accusations Russian President Vladimir Putin said "They prefer poisonings?"

  • Preschoolers preferred the taste of burgers and fries when they came in McDonald's wrappers over the same food in plain wrapping, U.S. researchers said. The research was conducted after it was discovered how the crew on the set of Michael Moore's movies improvised when a McDonald's wasn't in range of the scenes shot.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Tuesday, August 7 in the news....

  • A German fund has stopped withdrawals after clients removed 20 percent of their money since the end of July amid concern about the U.S. housing market. Apparently the fund is called "Vhat? You vill not take zee money, ein Cherman Fund, vee keep".

  • A Sydney home has smashed the record for the most expensive home in Australia, selling for almost $30 million last night. Sending the city's real estate circles into a spin, the property known as Routala in Point Piper sold for between $28-30 million. The couple who bought it said the government's first home owner's grant of $7000 helped in the decision-making process.

Monday, August 06, 2007

Monday, August 6 in the news....

  • Petitions in London, protests in Cologne, a court case in Marseille and a violent clash in Berlin -- Muslims in Europe are meeting resistance to plans for more mosques. Fat Muslims face a double-whammy with resistance also mounting against new McDonald's restaurants.

  • A local Adelaide man allegedly tested so high for alcohol that police roadside testers took him straight to hospital. The 48-year-old man's car was stopped at suburban Rosewater on Friday night where he allegedly blew 0.368 - seven times over the legal limit. When asked what he had been doing the man replied, "Just living in Adelaide".

  • French President Nicolas Sarkozy lost his temper with two American news photographers covering his vacation Sunday, jumping onto their boat and scolding them loudly in French. The photographers said it was just like being tourists in France.

  • An American member of al-Qaida threatened foreign diplomats and embassies across the Islamic world in a new video Sunday, saying they would be targeted as "spy dens." Meanwhile, an al-Qaida member of America threatened himself.

  • Two Australian soldiers were wounded during a 'contact' with the Taliban in southern Afghanistan earlier this month, the Defence Department says. One of the two Special Operations Task Group soldiers wounded during a patrol in Oruzgan Province had been sent to a medical facility in Europe where he would also have access to quality pubs.

Saturday, August 04, 2007

Saturday, August 4 in the news....

  • A man called Moses who tried to part the waters of an Idaho creek for a real estate development project violated the Clean Water Act and should go to prison, a federal appeals court ruled today. The judge presiding over it was the honorable Pharaoh.

  • The South Sydney Rabbitohs rugby team tough men headed by John Sattler say they were stunned by part-owner and Oscar winner Russell Crowe's attempt to revive the club by telling players he loved them. "It's a lot of bullshit," Sattler said, "but none of these guys are built like some pissant concierge in New York, so regardless of what they do he's gonna love them".

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Thursday, August 2 in the news.....

  • Russia has put a claim on the North Pole. Scientists today prepared to send two mini-submarines under the ice to mark the sea floor with a Russian flag. The USA reminded Russians who had the flag on the moon. And Canada reminded them both who had the flag in Canada.

  • Dozens of loudspeakers have been installed around Sydney's CBD to tell people what to do in the event of a major emergency like a terrorist attack or Aussie Rules becoming more popular than Rugby.

  • The war in Iraq could ultimately cost well over a trillion dollars - at least double what has already been spent - including the long-term costs of replacing damaged equipment, caring for wounded troops, and aiding the Iraqi government, according to a new government analysis. The Bush Administration said it is a good investment in the future, with the President himself noting how you sell low and buy high.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Wednesday, August 1 in the news....

  • A grandmother accused of selling heroin on the streets of a Los Angeles suburb with her 11-year-old granddaughter as a lookout has been arrested on drug and child endangerment charges. Her drug dealing is set to tip off a war among rappers from the city all claiming it's their grandmother.